Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Dear miss nkT

 I've done enough come on. I've done enough, am tired. Aren't you? Am I going to start all over again, like today didn't happen, like the day before today didn't happen, and the day before before the day before last fuckn year. 

Am tired. 

I wish I had the courage to tell you exactly I feel right now, a minute of care and hate. Hate and nice feelings. But that's not logical. If I start telling you exactly what I feel right now. 

You'd start thinking. He is horny. Wrong?

Your start thinking. He is having a bad day?

You will start thinking, maybe he is having a bad day. 

You are wrong, I don't drink that much. I don't have bad days that easily. I don't get pissed of that easy. Probably what I feel girl is the result of entertaining a lot of bullshit for a while.

It's time I vomited all the shit you've been feeding me.

Since when I kept running my fuel tank dry trying to reach you and hug you.

Maybe I have gotten tired of you not carrying jerk about me. It's all about You, You, You. Do you see how it's all about you.

To find out what I want, what I like, you look at yourself. Dear, how the f do you think you will find answers about me by looking at yourself. Are you kidding me?

Come on, even a good friend knows that they have to be around there friends long enough, often enough, for them to know them. To know what would be a perfect birthday present for them.

Why are you taking a short cut.

Why are you looking at the mirror looking for me. Am across the f table. Am the guy who ruined his loafers looking for you lost in the streets. Those shoes don't like rain!

Why are you looking at the mirror, you will not find me there. Am across the table, my hair is wet, I've been rained on, trying to reach you. My cell phone battery is weak, endless missed calls and text on your cell.

Why am I the one to f start all conversations. I break the ice one more time, and it's your phone I will break instead.

But I shouldn't break your phone. Cause most things we do when we are emotional are bad decisions. But I could break up that piece of shit you keep typing on, talking on the phone with and buy you another f better one! But I don't. Cause that's arrogance.

So I will let you get into my car, with your long hair, covering your ears. So that when I say Hi.

And you reply, Hello.

I will not notice that the first person you talk to when I pick you up is your phone. But it's cool. Am a guy. Am supposed to be easy woth this. Am not supposed to bitch, cause its not manly. Besides, bitch is a female dog. And lionesses are more powerful than lions when they have calves. 

Am good. Am not going to bitch, infact, am going to act like I don't feel jerk.

And this is the fun part.

To make all this pain go away, I will change myself. I will become the biggest jerk you and every other woman in the world will ever get to know. I will never be on time, I will cancel appointments when I feel like, I will write post, leave them in the middle, I will write something about you, and somewhere in the middle I will make it about another woman, or a cow., giraffe, depending on my fuckn mood.

Why? Cause you f don't know how to be a good friend, you f don't know how to be a darling, you are so f fool of yourself. 

I am never nice to you, expecting you to be nice to me. In fact even after this, I will still be a nice guy, cause I don't think you are worth changing myself for you. I will snap a little bit, then go back to my usual self, cause you aren't the one who is going to make me a grumpy old piece of...

I am not being nice to you, cause I want you to reciprocate. But am being nice to you cause my heart was built like that, to love, to care, it was made with sugar, spice and every f thing nice, and am not going to ruin it cause you f look at your mirrior to try to find out about me!

Anyways... I know as much as I try to fight this, somewhere deep inside me I know, the way you treated me will affect me, I might become colder, I might become meaner, I will try not to, i will try not to do that, I will try not to build up a wall around myself. 

But regardless, f you!