Anti-thosePeople

 They say from the day we are born, we are born with fresh minds. And from that day we start to form thoughts on how we understand the world.

Some say that though we couldn't talk, we could communicate. (Us, when we were toothless humans-kids, so adorable) Thats why when a kid has shit in his diapers he will cry. A certain cry and just like that we will know that the kid has shit.

And when a kid is hungry. She cries, and that's the way she communicates.

When did life become a competition? Did directors open us to a world where friends-with-benefits is a legitimate kind of relationship? Did writers convince us that the more girls you have done the more of a man you are? Did wedding planners convince women that the bigger your wedding, the better you are?

When did life become a competition?

Life became a competition when she was cheated on. Life became a competition when some guy made some woman feel like she wasn't good enough. 

And just like kids look at the world, understand it and decide. Every time I cry in a super market, I get a toy car. Every time I hurt myself I get everyone's attention. Every time I dance this way that guy stares. 

When did life become a competition?

Life became a competition when she was seated at the cafeteria with one of her friends. And they went on with there normal life, talked about guys, shoes, dresses, ice cream and how nice the chicken was.

Then a guy, who was my friend. Stood up from our table, walked up to that girl and asked her...

"hi"

The girl smiled. I think she thought that the guy was approaching her. She must have thought the guy was going to drop a pick up line. She would find it corny. But it was alright. She had this look on her face. I-have-been-waiting-for-you-to-say-something. Say anything, come on, say anything am going to take you home.

"hi"

Both dames stopped eating and looked at the guy.

"so you both have both ice cream and juice?"

The girls smiled innocently. Yes.

He started laughing as if he couldn't contain himself. 

"how can you be so stupid, they serve the same purpose."

And these girls didn't even know what had just happened to them. Everyone was staring at them. The guy was laughing, and he even pretended he needed to hold there table not to fall. He was so spectacular we all laughed. 

And everyone else around started laughing. They didn't know what they were laughing about, but laughter is contagious. No one but us knew what we were laughing about, but everyone knew what they were laughing at but not knowing what they were laughing about.

In a matter of ten minutes, the lives of two innocent girls changed.

When did life become a competition? Life became a competition when those two girls got laughed at. It's then they formed this perception that, there are people who are better than others. And it's been fucked up from that time onwards.

So at some point I liked one of those girls. But she is no longer the girl I used to know.

She makes everyone who isn't wearing heels as good as hers feel like crap. She doesn't date guys who don't drive. She doesn't eat any place where they don't allow visa. She doesn't say it, cause saying it would be just mean. But she acts it.

But I don't blame her imagine. We are all kids. We all still have fresh minds, until someone publicly humiliates us, and we react like any human will do when engaging with the world. 

We are just trying to find our lost reputation, we are just trying to be somebody, we are just trying to gain our lost pride, we just want our respect back. It's all right. Am just trying to write my wrongs, my reputation is going with it. But the sign of a growing man is his ability to feel guilt.

But how the fuck do you go to some innocent girls, seated comfortably with minds un-polluted and decide to make yourself look better, stronger, more confident, daring, by humiliating them. How fucked up are you? How stupid are you? Why can't you fuckin find another way of making yourself someone, that doesn't involve crushing others. Ruining them for life. That's just plain stupid.

Yes... And then you wonder, here is a guy, who writes about how anyone who guards your gate as employment, anyone who polish your shoes for a salary is the scum of the earth. We all have come from hard places, we all might be faced with worse, but how we come out of it, is what makes us who we are. So am not fuckn erasing any shit I wrote before this. Those f*** retards should realize that all these posts are connected. And if I f**** up my life for doing this. I will know I will have made at least someone an angel.

Cause when two innocent girls sat there, and they were socially attacked, I wasn't there to seat next to them. Make everything better. And I would have dammit, I fuckn would have. Would you have? Have you ever? No, I feel sorry for you, you haven't lived until you have saved a life!

Slut Personality.

 Today's post is inspired by something everyone has. Yes, you, you, him and her. Everyone around you has it. Personality. Some are said to have more personality than others. 

Today's post is inspired by a slut. 

We were a group of pals. But one of all the girls stood out. Her hair is like doll hair. It has curls at the end, has a tint of brown and man is it breathtaking. 

She always holds her head straight, looks straight ahead. And her beauty is breathtaking.

Have you ever meet such a girl? Her jeans fit perfect, her figure is perfect. Her jeans fit well, just below where they're meant to fit. Her stomach sinks to her cookie jar, just perfectly. Everything about her is neat. Her eyes brows, her make up. Her lip stick. She is perfect. If you unwrapped her clothes, you can already tell that there is no way her lingerie would be unsightly. When you have such confidence everything is perfect about you, the way you smell under there. Your milk isn't in small cubes, it's creamy like mucus. 

So she got into the car with her friends. And just like that I could tell she was it. The way she stared directly straight ahead into nothing. Her lips her placed perfectly and her lipstick red was always on, even when she ate it didn't leave her lips. She has that skill.

Her eye lashes have something done to them that makes them look pretty. Her eye lids are colored to match her outfit. Pink. She is a doll. She has learnt how to be a doll, plus her natural genetic beauty.

You look at her, she isn't smiling, she looks straight at nothing, I think that's the appeal of blondes. It's like she realizes she is a trophy, she is comfortable with it, she lets herself get seen. 

"hey. Can you ask the guys in the next table for drinks, they have keringet water."

And everyone around our table is too timid to ask for water. We are shy, we can't just talk to people we don't know. What if we get rejected.

"throw a flower at him" I say, like it is a joke.

She actually goes through with it. She breaks the flower off its stalk. She leaves the flower vase flower less. She actually throws the flower at the guys seated on the next table. They ignore it. 

But she persists.

"hey, I see you have two bottles of water, can I have one..."

The guy turns. He looks pissed. But imagine she doesn't care. You can see it in her face, it's like she is too full of life to care. So what if he is pissed. The next time i do it i will not be pissed. She is too beautiful to care. He gives her the water.

And just like that I know. This is a girl who is thoroughly social. Why? Cause she has grown up beautiful. So obviously, everywhere she has gone, people have been kinder to her than everyone else. Men have thrown themselves over cliffs for her. That's what makes her so gut-full. She can just throw flowers at random people. She just doesn't care!

If we were in a new town, she didn't know anyone. Guess who would be the first to build a large social network. Her. Cause she hits a guy with a flower, she asks for water, she smiles at strangers. She is just alive. And therefore, out of all the girls I am with around that table. She will definitely be the first to get hit on. By not one guy, many. Why? Cause when we were together. She threw a flower, and asked for a keringet.

I bet when she walks into a club. She would do something similar. Like steal a seat from an already occupied table. 

"hey, someone is there..."

"when they come back I will return it."

"he is just coming back..."

"am here aren't I, I will let him have the seat."

Then the poor guy comes back, sees this gorgeous girl who he is told has his seat. What do you think happens? Let's assume that guy is even your boyfriend, what happens?

"hey... You seating on my seat."

Boom. There we have some conversation. Say hi to my friends, trust me someone will hit on her. In that short dress, with those piercing eyes, with such perfection inspired by a personality that is geared to make sure she looks perfect all the time. Her eyes, her eye lashes, her dress, her shoes, her nails, her hair, her attention to detail. How could one of those so many men try not to slip there number to her?

And that's what happened. 

So her pretty looks, her outgoing personality, and drama. Her loudness, immediately makes her take the spot light. Wherever she goes.

And these other girls wonder, why her, why her. Come on. Look at her. She is the loudest. There is no way you can be in a room and not notice her. Her heels makes noise, she doesn't feel shy about it, cause she is too concerned with living.

She isn't afraid to get into class late, she gets there late. And she makes noise as she gets in. The lecture stops for a second. You feel like you wouldn't be possibly be that loud, you couldn't be that oblivious to the attention you are drawing, how dare she cause such a scene, every time. It's that scene that makes her powerful.

All eyes on her, she runs the show, and that is just the beginning of her appeal. And when she is that loud, and that pretty, every guy thinks. She is definitely out of my league. Definitely. So they don't bother.

But she bothers, she steals your seat. It's like she is giving you a chance to complain. She is giving you a chance to talk to her. This beautiful powerful doll. And as you try to complain, you slip your number to her. Cause no girl takes care of her looks like she does. Besides, she is the girl every guy wants. Guys are competitive. She is a prized trophy. If its not love, it's to show off, if it's to show off, it might turn to love.

Come on, in one night. Half of the men you've seen have asked her for her number. There is going to be at least half of the half who have something impressive to offer.

And what happens then...

She lets him in. And she let's others in. She drops one after the other, cause unlike other girls, she has more opportunity to cheat than the rest.

The rest would cheat. But they don't, cause. Hey, lack of opportunity!

"am seeing this guys now..."

"but you were seeing this other one."

"ah, that one doesn't like buying me drinks"

"you can't be serious... Wewe ni slut sana"

"am pretty and I know it."

We get boring. She is the kind of girl, no other girl lets near her man. Cause she is competition. Who has the time to keep her hair that perfect, not just perfect, who has that eye for beauty like she does. If she took you to a saloon, and recommended something, you better take her advice. Cause half of the time, she has the talent for beauty. That's what it is, the best person to ask how to be a duck from is a duck.

When you keep telling her. Keep off my man. As a joke, but you know you are serious it's cause you know she is competition. You feel it. There is evidence. 

So she leaves the table. Cause you guys bored her.

And you wonder where she is. The next time you see her. She already has got some people who offered her smokes. Yes, and she is inviting you. And you can already tell those guys she found smoking, those chics she found smoking are all offering her that cause she is beautiful. She is good to look at, just that she gets everything easier. Plus the fact that she throws flowers around, steals seats no matter how mad you are. You have yourself a volcano. A girl with such personality you can't handle.

But at the end of the day, that's not the person you want to be with. Cause you will never be at peace. You will always be calling her asking her if she is at home. Most of the time she isn't. Her place is the spot light, not at your place with a bottle of something, just the two of you. And you know the drill when she goes out without you to watch her, you know the drill. That's why you are mad. You know she isn't yours, she belongs to the world.

She will actually complain about you asking her to do that. Seat with her, just the two of you with a bottle. In her world; who does that!

But at the end of the day, that's not the person you want to be with, cause first of all everyone has been with her. Then, you will never be the only one with her. She is with everyone. 

Lovers Fought

 When we started off, I didn't talk much. You complained a little. But I started writing things that would make you know how I feel. They talk to communicate, I write to tell you how I feel.

This is a part of me. I share it with the world, but I share it first with you. Every post lands in your email. 

"it's alright you can post it."

And that's when I publish it. Then throw it around social media for people to eat it. 

Before you were here there was a girl who used to receive my posts while they were private emails, and when she said...

"it's alright, you can post it."

That's the only time I posted it. I used to write about her, she loved to read about herself. We weren't in a relationship. We were friends with that benefit.

You came along, and I gave my heart to you. And things started to change. I stopped emailing her. I started you. And just like that I drew away from her, and drew closer to you.

We only have so much space for close relationships. When one becomes less dependent on everyone else, they become dependent on that one person they are with. I depend on you swiri.

I wrote something last night, I really felt strongly about. I know I called you in the middle of the night and asked you to give me your opinion on it. You told me you got to sleep. I had to literally beg you to read.

"baby, be cupcake, be as sweet as those and check it."

"but it's four in the morning."

"baby, please I love you."

"am so sleepy"

"baby please, I love you, please read it"

"tomorrow when you wake up, you will find that I read it"

And it took ten minutes maybe. I even asked you to take a glass of mango juice. I know when you take a glass of sugar at night you get that sugar rush that keeps you eyes opened. You didn't. I know once you did, when we were starting this.

I left everyone else. It's just you and me now. I feel bad cause there are this two things I hoped from you when we got together;

one, is that you would be true to me.

Two, is that you would read my posts regardless.

Swiri I don't like many things, I just want you to support my course even though sometimes it feels like you don't believe in it. That's the best way to tell me you love me. I know one of the best ways to tell you I love you is not going to bed without saying GoodNight. And haven't I adopted to it? Even though I don't understand it.

What I know is that you really love it when I take my time to say goodnight. All I know is that you really love it when I say good night.

Maybe that's why there are vows. I promise you what you want me to  promise you. You promise me what you want to promise me. And this is why I want you to promise me...

That when it's late at night, when it's bright in the day, you will take your time to edit what I write, cause the third most deepest part of me coming after my thoughts and feelings, are these words.

I know they might not mean much to you. But here I live hints of the deepest part of me, parts you can't see until you really look. Parts you can't feel unless you really read and think about what am trying to say. I hide the deepest parts of me in the open honey.

And I feel a little disappointed, it's almost as if you are saying No to me when you say. 

"baby am sleepy..."

And it's not adding to the fact that you only promise me three days to be with you in two months. What do I do the rest 50+ days am not with you. What the fuck do I do? And I love you? Just three days.

This is where this post would end if it was not you.

But you see with you, I see my end of the story, and I see yours too. I try to put your interest first, the best way I know how.

And putting your interest first is realizing that, maybe asking you to wake up at 4am to read my email is asking to much. Heck I also get mad when I get phone calls at that time. 

I put your interest first and realize, maybe I lost my spark, maybe it's cause I don't write to you enough, and you feel like these words are dull. 

Maybe I write about other people, and you secretly hate it. Maybe you don't agree with what I say sometimes. It's only human, and maybe that's why sometimes you don't want to read what I write.

Maybe you feel you are the only one who has to take flights to come see me, I never quite take trips like I used to back then we were younger, when our love was new and unstable. Maybe you secretly hate me for that and you don't feel as eager to be nice to me.

But I know deep inside you feel the same way I feel. I know deep inside you love me. 

"I don't want to do this any more..."

"am tired"

"you want us to break up"

"i dont want to talk right now"

"what are you going to tell me about waking me up late night? Making me read your work only to find you dozed of before I tell you what I thought of it?"

"nothing"

"nothing?"

"nothing, you're not going to say you are sorry?"

And the line goes dead.

Babe, am a guy. I am a man, I don't like being told what to do. I know you are used to being a boss. But even so, when am wrong, don't talk to me like that. I don't know what's happening to me, the older I get the more I feel like I have a beard & it means something. 

But it leaves me feeling like crap, regardless. It leaves you feeling like crap. And it doesn't even take more than half a day for each one of us to re-reach out to each other.

You try to call, like I can see endless missed calls on my phone right now. I don't want to pick up cause I know I will not explain what I feel this well on phone than on paper. You on the other hand, I know you will best tell me how you feel on call that's why you can't stop calling.

But baby, can't you see, we love each other. You can't do anything but call and make up. I can't do anything but write to make up. We are on the same page, we just react different, cause we are different. We are on the same page, we love each other. We want each other. So if it's my ego that is going to get deflated, my sense of pride is going to be dissolve. Then so be it.

Here goes nothing...

"babe, am sorry. Am sorry I woke you up, am sorry I made you read something that might have been boring at 4am."

At the end of the day, it's my love for you that matters. So whether I am wrong, whether you are right. Whether am right you are wrong, all that matters is that. I want you. I need you. I love you. I care for how you feel more than how I feel myself.

Am coming back home swiri, leave your hands wide open. Am coming back there.

The part I would like to kill

 When does life get so complicated? When does life begin to get this way? Will I not get a break? Is this piece of hell never ending? Slice after slice. When will I feel like heaven again?

Or is it life has always been complicated? Is it that as we get older our eyes get opened? We are no longer shielded from what happens around us. Is it going to get worse? The older we get? Or is it going to go back to how it was blissful?

Who feels like they are just surviving, like they are just fighting? Who feels like happiness comes like medicine. You can't take more than one pill a day, it's measured?

I want to kill a part of me. I want to kill the part of me that makes me aware of me. I want to kill the part of me that makes me coil up. I want to kill the part of me that makes me care what people say about me.

I want to kill the part of me that decides that with the years pass by, I will kill eighty percent of the contents of this blog. Pretend I never wrote those words that I felt the most but are not appropriate.

I want to kill the part of me that makes me a coward. That makes me afraid of standing up like a lion and pound my chest. Roar. 

But am afraid of killing that part of me, cause to me fear is a warning sign that tells me, you aren't ready. I want to kill that part of me, but am afraid if I kill it, I will have no fear. And fear to me is the warning sign that tells me.

Bobby, you are not the kind to stand before a crowd, you will get nervous, butterflies will fly in your stomach until you wet your pants!

I want to kill the part of me that fears. But if I kill it, I might lose my life, because fear is the warning sign that tells you. You can't drive that fast, you might get an accident. Fear is what keeps me from 240km per hour, fear is what keeps me at 100km per hour.

Fear... 

It okay to be afraid I want to believe, cause it is fear that protects us. Fear is what takes us back to the gym, tells us we got to build some mental muscle, some physical muscle to tackle the day before us. Fear can make us prepare.

But am at a point where fear has seized me, rooted my feet to the ground, taken away my joy. I want to break the chains. Am I strong enough?

I want to be unafraid. Cause at the end of the day the people who watch your actions don't add any value to your life. But maybe they do...

Cause there was this girl, she didn't care what anyone thought of her, and she carried a bad reputation as close to her as her shadow. No one wanted to be seen with her, people just wanted to be with her when it was at night, when her shadow wasn't with her, her bad repuatation wasn't with her. At dark night when no one sees that you are associated with her.

See, I am afraid of that too. I bet you are too. Imagine if people fled you like a disease. I know you don't care about people say but imagine if people fled you like a disease. And ones reputation is like the ghost of you that goes before you, defends you when you not around.

When you aren't around a crowd of people discussing you. It's your reputation that defends you.

And that's the thing I want to kill, the things I want to do will kill my repuatation I promise. It will drag it into the mad. And I do care about my repuatation a little bit. But am not having fun. I don't know the value of my reputation for now. Is it opening for me doors? If I knew, I would know what extent I would go protecting it. But I don't know what extent I will go protecting it cause I don't know what it is doing for me.

I think the question I should ask myself is is what I am ruining my reputation for worth it? The question is, am I ready to lose my reputation for what I want?

Or should I do what I want to do but hide it. Keep my reputation intact?

When did life get this complicated. They say ignorance is bliss. I see why they say that now. I see children. They scream when they want to, they run in meetings, they play, they do whatever they want oblivious of everyone else. They go to the ones they like they run away from the ones they don't like. 

But when we get older, we settle. We settle for everything cause we understand something's are impossible, but is anything ever impossible. 

I am going to take steps, kill my pride, I might reduce myself to nothing in my quest for what I want. And I hope I will find something great, and it will be worth the reputation I drive through the mad. 

...at the back of your mind.

   I believe in the subconscious like you believe you will have a beautiful family one day. I believe in the subconscious cause when the television is On, but you aren't looking at it but instead concentrating on reading this blog, or texting. If I turned off the television and ask you what was on it, you will have a rough idea. 

That's why I am still in law school, but am going to court, am spending time in law firms, cause I believe in the subconscious. I believe my mind takes in more than I really think it does. Please start believing that, cause its one of those things that just believing in them makes you destined for greatness.

There is something called a bond. For a second think about the model of the car that best suits you, can you imagine it, can you see yourself driving it into town... Can you see yourself turning the steering so that you can park it, now your sweet car is packed in town, you packed it in town, then the Municipal Council idiots clamped it cause you didn't pay parking fees; being a person of high temper you broke the clamp, or you removed the wheel plus the clamp, put it in the boot and screwed the spare wheel in, then drove away, escaped but someone reported you. They snitched!

Your name, your car number plate will be put on something called black-list in the Municipal Council City council office. It's usually a notice board.

'____ *insert your car number plate here* Wanted for vandalism of Government Property of Municipal Council'

Hilarious right. Ati sasa a padlock and clamp is property! Yes it is. And you will get arrested, assuming they arrest such people, and you will call me to defend you in court cause even the language they use there is very technical, let's not even start on the procedure.

What happens next?

The bond thing. I will ask the court to release you on bond. Bond is the car log book you leave at the courts registry, or the title deed, or the pay-slip that thing the court will accept you leave there as insurance that you will not skip town, fail to attend court when the time for discussing why you broke government property, 'a mere padlock and a chain'. 

You are just reading a story right? Is that what your mind tells you right now? You are just getting entertained right? But let me ask you something simple... What is a bond? Wow. You can explain it... Okay, let's ask another, what is government property? Is a Parking Clamp government property? See what i mean? Our mind takes in more than we give it credit for.

Now that we know this, isn't it time to use it to our advantage?

We all want certain things, we want love, we want wonderful relationships, we want cars, we want castles, we want personal assistant, we want chefs to make us prawns in our home kitchens, we want to run our business in profitable ways. We want someone to wipe the sh of our **** after we seat on the toilets.

Then how do we get all these?

I think the first thing is to want these thing, wanting something you don't have is a product of imagination. At the moment, I will leave the reality I see with my real eyes, take a mental trip to day dream land and imagine myself kissing my girl, I will imagine myself jumping onto a horse, riding it really fast she gets impressed her heart skips for me. Then after I imagine that, I will make the decision on how to create a plan on how I can bring that imagination into reality. And that's when I decide to call my girl. 

"babe, I miss Naivasha..."

"really?"

"I thought you would say you missed me."

"I miss Naivasha."

"come on!"

"we go horse riding."

"I will kill all those horses, tell me you miss me."

"I love you"

"then after horses we go to SoPa"

"I love that place"

"I miss you, I love you. See you in Naivasha Saturday."

"there pepper steak is really awesome."

"bye."

"bye."

And just like that, from the database I have collected of hotels since my childhood, I am able to make a decision about which hotel will best suit us, which town will best give us that relaxing atmosphere. And with that I make a decision to turn my imagination in reality.

You can deny it all you want, but it doesn't make it untrue. We all hold certain facts in our minds, different ones, and those facts are what we use to make decisions. And thats what shapes out lives. And most those facts make up our subconscious mind, things we think about but we don't realize we thing about.

Stuff you inherit from your family, the ones that came before you. That passive income is a must, not a luxury. You can't just depend on a salary to live, you have to have an income on the side that comes in regardless whether you are in hospital, fired, retrenched or too bored to work. But if you don't have that, imagine it, then after imagining it, create a plan to make it happen. Yes... The first thing you will come up with is real estate, good idea, collect rent at the end of the month na kazi yako tu nikushuta shuta. 

But that's what everyone does to get passive income, but since you haven't bothered to watch business news, engage with business people, learn about it through observation, reading, practice and thought. Your database on business is shallow, you don't know what a corporate bond is, what a treasury bond is, so even if you were to create a plan on how to create passive income your plan will be shallow. And therefore even though you want a constant passive income, I might beat you on the race to create one cause I let myself learn though thinking, observing, practice, but most of all cause I believe in the power of the subconscious.

Do you remember the thing I was telling you about the subconscious, the mind taking in more than you think it's taking in? 

I've always wanted to write something on paper, as a hobby, but translate it into something that can sell like hot cake on a book shelf. And I created this blog partly to get experience. 

People will tell you... You are writing about love too much, you are writing about this too much... This post is boring... This one changed my life... This one did that... This one does that... And then there are the statistics... With every post I write, I learn something, with every post I write, I gain experience, and I make a conscious effort to analyze what I infer. Some of these I think about consciously, some subconsciously. 

I always wonder why I am so eager to write on weekends, I have never known why, but after carefully trying to find out why. I found out that it's cause I get new viewers on weekends, so I try to emphasize on that to get as many as I can get. But I never quite think about it consciously, it's stuff that is at the back of my mind. 

When you upload such a photo, usually the tone of your inboxes turn into naughty, when you update something funny usually people jump to comment, we don't think about these a lot, but at the back of our mind we have thought about it, made a decision to update that, because we want this. We have learnt the system, we have learnt Facebook, we have learnt google plus, we have learnt twira, so we will definitely make better decision than a new user, unless of course e have studied it before experience, right?

If you ask me, it's time you decided what you want, and be imaginative about it, then it's time you came up with a plan on how to get it. At first your plan might be shallow, cause all you will be doing is copying other people's plans. Wear a short skirt to make him want you! After knowing the game better, you realize, leave the skirt alone, for him to want you he needs to be addicted to your company. 

Once you get into the habit of for example seating in court writing a post like this, your eyes, your ears, your nose, your thoughts, your sense of touch will catch more things than you think, they will form an information database in your mind, that will help you make better decisions to win your cases more than a newbie.

Like...sometimes advocates move up country for cases, sometimes advocates have the court clerk numbers on speed dial just to find out if a judge or magistrate  is seating, sometimes that is helpful cause your client might get arrested on Friday for breaking some Parking Clamp, and he will be in a cell. But if you had the court clerks number, you could call the clerk, to ask the judge to make an apperance in court for five minutes even if it is on Friday afternoon, and allow your client to leave there car log book as bond, so that he doesn't spend the weekend in a cell for something so small.

That something no one learns in law school. That something you learn when you seat at the court room and stuff registers in your subconscious. 

Cause at the end of the day, whether it is fashion, love, relationships, religion, life or even cooking. You aim at something that is not a state that exists in real life, it's only a state you imagine in your mind most of the time of something better, and once you aim at something you make a decision on how to get that something, and that decision will be guided by the level of knowledge you have, and the level of knowledge you have depends on your database of information, and your database of information depends on how much quality stuff you have put in your mind through your five senses, sight, touch, ears, taste, thought. 

We are all making decisions, you might want to say am not good enough, am not smart enough, am not... But most of these things we think we aren't good enough at- we are not good enough at cause in that area we don't make as good enough decisions as people who are better in those areas than us. Why don't we make good decisions, cause we have not established a large enough database through absorbing information through our five senses.

If it is to flirt you want, create a database, watch with your sense of sight all you can, hear with your ears, touch with your hands, feel, absorb all the information you can through experience on flirting, and I bet you right, when you are saturated, you will make the perfect decision through your subconscious, when to smile, when to laugh, when to kiss, when not to kiss, how best to care. What do do with your tongue... 

I believe in the subconscious, I have tried to logically explain it. But the phenomenon that I will never quite understand is love, and how I feel when I see my girlfriend. 

I believe in understanding the subconscious, I don't believe in understanding love though, I believe in feeling it. I rest my case.

Luv

 It's love, that's what it is. You watch people that have it easier than you do. Yours is stronger, it's so strong. But you are strong, so you hold on, but you think about how others have it so easy.

There they are walking in the street, going around woth there affairs, there they are in shops, there they are laughing, talking, walking together, maybe they aren't even in love and they have each other. They aren't missing each other, they don't realism toture of missing someone.

Missing someone's so much tht the lines on this don't have to be perfect, this becomes sort of like that bar of chocolate you over eat when you are sad, this words become like that stick of cigarette your friend holds at the bar, you never smoke but you feel something in yourself you just want to release, so you grab it from his hand, and you pull all the smoke into your lungs.

This is intoxicating, this emotions are, love is, you feel stuff in excess, excess pleasure, you just care so much.

She hurts, you hurt more. When she says...

"I hurt my hand today..."

You ask 

"what happened to our hand..."

She laughs,

You ask again,

"what happened to your hand..."

She says it's okay for you to say our. And it kind of feels like she said its okay to get out my panties.

If I ever get fucked up, baby it will be you, my alcohol is not alcohol, I even don't like that sh, I wasn't raised that way, my alcohol babe is you. My alcohol is this unstable heart of mine. The love I feel for you.

I have always known the girl who I will love is the one who is going to fuck me up, yes, she is the one who is going to fuck me up, cause look at me now, I said I will not swear, and here I am swearing, fuck. Fuck, fuck? Fuck!

And it's not professional, it isn't good character to curse, it's unbecoming. But hey, whatever. Yes? No?

Who care if it's 1am in the morning, and I don't think I will be sleeping tonight, six in the morning will get me here, and my alarm will scream until it blows up but I will not wake up. But someone is going to hit my door until am up, and am going to be a zombie the whole of tomorrow, cause I will be as sleepy as fuck! A, I still cursing.

So my reputation babe I will lose cause of you, cause I can see myself one day, right there in the street, you walking with your friends, we have been fighting cause I don't pick up calls and all that shit you handa me for.

And you know what I would do, I would just walk up to you, and you know how it is, old people don't watch movies, heck mamaz the old ones don't get mini skirts and that shit. And for sure those babas will not get why a man will just walk up to a girl in public knowing very well you could reject my apology and get embarrassed.

They will not get it, but I get it.

Cause it's late at night, I have work to do, am not doing it. I've been told I should edit this posts, but I don't give a fuck, think of it as tht bottle of something something you take large amounts of to numb yourself 

I don't care how long this goes you will notice my last post, law, success, law, fun, adventure and some point all of a sudden, I break up and write Dear Princess, Perfume, Cupcake. 

Am so tired, 

But today is another day, I have to live where I just hear you voice on the phone, tomorrow is another day I will have my favourite meal without you on the other end of the table.

Tomorrow should be the day when I die inside, tomorrow should be the day when I say, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, so what if I become a judge and I have ruined my reputation with all this nonsense called love,

It's what really makes me feel stuff. Everything else doesnt have that ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh -effect 

Tomorrow I lose it, tomorrow babe, I die, I don't care what the f everyone things, anyone thinks, am not going to look at this as weakness, I will look at it as a path to the best moments of my life, tomorrow am going to be brave. 

Tomorrow am going to tell you,

I love you.

No more pretending that I don't think abiut you,

No more resisting thoughts of you,

Tomorrow is time I let you really in my life,

Tomorrow I decide,

You will really be part of me,

I will really be part of you.

We have been together,

But I have been in denial,

Cause this feels too deep.

And am a guy.

And you know what deep I prefer.

Am yours now.

Am not going to fight it.

If I seem to eager, if I seem to clingie, if I just want to call make you laugh, make you smile, I will do it, I know I have learnt alot, too much of something is dangerous and what not. But it's time I took experiments, it's time I didint play had to get, it's time I have in. If you leave leave! If I open up and you still find me fun, let it be. Cause baby, tomorrow, pillow talk, spending time with you however way posible is wht I will be most about.

Cause I need to see you, cause when I see you, I can then function, I can do my work and sh. Is that a way of my heart telling me you come first!

I love cause this is fun. Most people die not feeling what love is, babe. Thanks. Hehe and once, I almost said thanks after we shagged. You were too good! 

Love

It comes a point when a man gives up. See, men aren't like women, for men it's about sex first. That's from where our love grows. Am just saying what I think, I know sex is wrong before marriage. But hey. 

So, why is it that men are the ones who have to lose out in a relationship, I mean from the first day you hook up. Dates, seated out somewhere under umbrellas, with steak on the table, prawns, wine glasses. And as a guy, you have to pretend you aren't thinking about hitting it! 

But it's all cool.

It's been days, but it's okay, cause am in love. 

So I have to go through night after night wanting, and not getting.

I have to walk around, watch, knowing I could, it only takes a hello. And it's a done deal in a day or two, or hours.

I wish you were here, you don't know how badly I wish you were here. I used to find fun in simple things, I used to find fun in squash, I used to really love lawn tennis. My tennis shoes are never dusty nowadays, no red clay from the court. 

Just a red heart in pain, I just want you here. I miss you until its painful. I would like to cover myself, I would like to cover myself in files. Today i was supposed to draft papers, plants, defenses, you know stuff for court.

But I looked at the computer screen, the wall paper, and I saw you. And I wondered why the hell I was seated there. Why do I need to draft some stupid paper well. You already impressed, I already have you. To tell you the truth, I felt like fuck it!

I woke up, this morning, you were the first thing on my mind. Long ago the first thing on my mind would be, what is the perfect tie to go with this shirt. It's got to be just right, cause I got to impress someone. But I already have you, the fight is already over.

So I don't think my tie matched with my shirt today, and I was cool with it. But to tell you the truth babe, I don't even think that's the thing, I think you just defined my life into two;

One, The moments am anticipating to be woth you.

Two, And the moment am with you.

But am with you for very few hours usually, and sometimes when am woth you am always thinking, I have to see you off. As soon as I hug you, I can already see it coming. 

You say good bye.

The waiter takes away the plates.

And damn your eyes look so beautiful I want to cry. And the way yu talk, and the way you laugh. And when it starts getting dark and it's time to go home, your eyes form this glear, like they are shiny, problem is that they are tears, a film of tears that makes your eyes even lovelier than ever. But it's time for me to rise up, it's time for us to pull the seats, it's time for us to leave.

And I look at you in that navy blue mercedes, and when you tell me you have to be home on time, and I almost wish it wasn't it cause then you could just call home and tell them your car broke down, you can't travel back home. And baby I love you, when I open the door, you slide into the drivers seat, I put my head into the car, kiss your lips, then pull the seat built, tie it on you. Start the car for you, so that I can open the window, I hug you one more time. Then I close the door gently, not to hurt you and I hate myself for shutting the door, letting you go home, and all I want is you to be with me, am sure I make you feel like home. 

And when your door is shut, I swear I cry it's just that my eyes usually are invisible, I poke my head into the car through your window, the I decide whether I will kiss you on your lips, I decide your cheek cause we are at a public parking spot.

Under those tress at the sports club that blossom and shower the yellow flower like things, but after kissing your cheek, I can't stop, I start to feel like I don't care whose watching, I know we in Kenya yes, we not in a movie. But who cares, what if we public kiss. And I hold your face kiss you like am feeling pain, and my muscles cringe. 

And I walk away but always come back, say bye bye bye bye again and again.

Why did I put myself through all these? Where did the days go when I sued a mirror in the morning, making sure I was alright. What happened to the days when I went to the bank to withdraw instead of using the atm? Those days when I loved those pretty women who were behind those glasses at the bank. They were so fly, until you? 

What happened to those days when I hang out around hoping to meet someone, hoping to meet people, hoping to see women in short skirts, wht happened to my wanting to have ever woman. What happened? 

Did I get happy? Are you all in one? When did you love me so much that I would rather be miserable late at such hours of the night writing this... Thinking about you instead of doing something fun, like hooking up with someone. Is it that I can seat here in bed sleepless, miserable cause I haven't seen you in day's. Days. But it feels better than anything with anyone else, everyone else.

Babe am f up. 

But it's alright, ama wait.

Cause I know this weekend am going to take you somewhere out of town, am going to take you some place where the hotels are more popular than the clubs, am going to take you to a place where pick ups are jeeps with no roofs. I am going to take you to that place where the road is Tarmac and wavy, and never ends.

Do you remember I took u there last time, and we raced, but you had an unfair advantages, I almost overturned when I hit tht pothole, but you wouldn't know that cause you were ahead of me.

But its cause I let you be ahead.

No I let you, no? Yes? Whatever. 

You can driver ahead all you want babe, I will behind here, spanking it, the best stroke, pressing those two horns. Until no one is horn- e. anymore.

Can't wait for the weekend, I want to live for today. But I can't, I just can't. I just can't live for today. Have you ever been at a time in your life when thoughts about the future are better than today's fun? Come on, you haven't gotten so lost thinking in the future?

You ask me why I don't write to you lately? Here it is... I don't want to write about you, cause its painful. I know it's wrong to say its painful, but am being truthful, I miss you so much it's pain. 

I miss you, I miss your head, I miss you b you b, your c, your l. I miss you to tears, and I miss you until I have no time for anything. It's late tonight, it's really late, I know I have to wake up early tomorrow, I will still wake up early. You just called and told me I need to sleep. I need to sleep cause if I dnt, you knowing me,I will still wake up early, and when you don't sleep early, you become a bitch, on edge angry the whole day.

Tomorrow, I will be angry at every beautiful women I see, I will see a girl in sun glasses when am driving to work, and I would hate her cause she is not you. I will see a girl with light skin, I will kick something on the floor as I walk angry cause she is not you. I will see a big ass, and it dancing under some jeans, and that makes me more mad than you think, cause its not you. I will wish it was you, cause if it was I would just walk up, tell you I love you.

Then kiss you, half way through the kiss, I will lift you as I grab it.

Tomorrow, I will see some girl on the wall, and a guy with his hand on the wall, there face close, and I will wish it was you and me there. 

And you know what I would tell you.

I would tell you. 

Baby, tonight, am going to cook for you, am going to roast potatoes, make nyama choma, am going to open a bottle of wine, am going to wear the shirt you got me, I will hope you would wear the bracelet I got you, and the watch. And I would love if you spilled your lipstick on my wine glass and on my lips.

You know the green umbrella I have on my balcony back huko coast? Yes. Right now, it's probably past mid night. But I would out two seats there, two shiny plates, silver knives and spoons, slow nice music in the back ground,

And we will laugh looking at the stars, in shorts and tshirts, I would kiss you. You would kiss me, the trees would be noisy, the wind will blow your hair, and the little balcony lights will make your eyes sparkle. 

And this time I will not wrap a gift roughly like I do. This time, the presentation will be as good as the gift. 

A box that opens, that is tied together with a ribbon. 

And you will blush when you open it, then you will scream and jump up and down forget the food, drag me to bed with just two things. 

The wine bottle, no more drinking from the glass, 

From the bottle, and kissing. 

I would lift you, pin you on the wall, your head will switch the lights off, my hand will carry you as the other holds your hair, oh your hair is always long and never oily. What's the trick? And it smells great like you do. 

And whether I will need to drop your clothes, or just reposition them

Whether you will be the one who grabs rubber from my pocket

Or you undo the zip I grab the rubber 

But I got to make sure you don't fall.

And it will just be tuesday night. It's just Tuesday night. What happens on Friday, saturday morning, afternoon, what happens. Girl am crazy over you. 

You don't know how ridiculous you sound when you tell me, why I don't write to you, about you anymore, why I don't thinking about you. What you should be asking, what times dont I think about you? 

And I would tell you, the only times I don't think about you is when I write.

Am trying not to forget everything am about, cause everything am about is you baby. It's you, I can't wait 

To see you

This weekend 

Love.

Angels in Bentleys

I like to believe that I cannot be influenced, that birds of a feather don't flock together. But i know am perfectly wrong, am like the people I hang out with, and you are like the people who hang out with.

No? 

Believe me.

This blog you read, the number of hours you spend on it, it influences you. Trust me it does, it starts with your mind, then your actions, like suggestions, then it shapes your your behavior. And I really hope I haven't turned anyone into any thing but an angel... Sijui ever-horny... heart breaking... bad person... 

I am sorry for anyone I have made feel inferior, we are all equal, we are all human being, we all go back to dust, doctors, lawyers, toilet cleaners, we all go back to dust. So even though we made you feel bad, like you weren't hot enough, pretty enough, smart enough am sorry. 

I just adopted to how I grew up. That's why I am so screwed up. I had someone do work for me, okay, I have had lots of people do work for me, and you know what I have done. I have just refused to pay them. Why?

Cause the whole point of business as we know is to oppress, make people work for you, under pay them, get more profit. Build an empire, drive sleek cars, carry posh designer bags, in an aim to make yourself feel better than others.

"nice bag..."

"thank you."

And I feel good for a second, but then it just seats there in my room, I don't even need it. Am not saying its bad.

But, hey, the rewards you get from having nice things never compare to the feeling you get when you really help someone.

I know, I could always say I got influenced, I was born and the people around me spread there ideas to me, I grew up knowing, I have to be king, the music I listen to tells me, you got to be a paper-chaser. The news you watch, the movies I watch are centered on devising the best pyramid schemes of accumulating everything and leaving everyone with nothing.

There was a girl once... She was on my bed. She told me...

"Our boss called us to the office, we are five employees."

And then...

"he asked us to give 20% of our salary to an end year party..."

And then...

"he asked anyone who opposed to raise there hand."

"why didn't you raise yours? They are already under paying you!"

She said because she would be asked to explain why she didn't give up her salary, and her voice becomes small when she talks in public, she was too afraid to talk.

I could tell, she was the only one whose salary was reduced. And she couldn't oppose, why? Cause she just couldn't. It might look like something trivial to you, but imagine some people would rather starve rather than shout make noise. Just cause you are strong, don't think everyone is strong, don't trivialize people's fears, there weakness. 

If it were me, imagine I would cause a scene. Come on, how dare he! But that's the thing, we all grow up differently. By the time I was in nursery school teachers used to call me a doctor, I had my hair combed for me, my shoes brushed, and that went on until, forever. Till I could do it myself but they still went on doing that for me.

I shout at people, I feel entitled, you know how pathetic I look in other peoples eyes. There is this guy who washes the car I drive, he is an old guy. I have always wondered why he gives me that eye when I drive away from the gate and he is seated there.

Thinking about it, I think he thinks, such an arrogant little idiot. Next time I promise I will not call him, I will not seat there wait for him to rush to me, I am the young one, he is old enough to be someone's father. Whether he cleans the loos or washes the dogs, he deserves my respect, cause am a filthy little brat. Walking around with an air of entitlement. Entitled to what, I will die one day, I will be dust. And at the end of times, what will count is the good deeds I have done, plus who I believe in.

..am not that, am being hard on myself intentionally, so that you can see that most of us think just up to where our noses are. 

I don't think capitalism is bad, I don't think wanting nice things is bad. But from what I have read, the more luxuries you love (those rap songs are not helping) No you think they don't influence? Where did you learn about Gucci and Bentleys, come on!

It's a balance, and I hope I balance. If am going to build myself an empire, I must build it as I build the people who help me build it, no constant salaries where I work, commissions all the way. It's ridiculous, it maybe even unproductive, but it's time we challenged all this hog-wash that has been put in our heads.

These hog-wash --> if you ain't got money take your broke us home! If it ain't about the paper, I can't hear you!

Come on? Have we become this stupid? We are people, as in. How do you think people feel when you make them feel like sh? How do you benefit? You hurting people! Bring your broke us here, let's party! We humans, if you not talking about paper, talk to me about having no paper, it has to be adventurous, the hustle and all.

Bobby, you are hurting people, how do you just not talk to her cause she isn't beautiful? How do you give out your boxers for washing? Can't you just have the dignity to put them in the machine yourself? Why do you just leave used rubber with come on the floor? You expect them to pick it? Why do I just decide to shout at that waiter? 

No Bobby, you not a kid anymore, you can't just walk around picking people's toys, just cause the people you call friends have grown up learning that greed is good. 

That's why on Sunday, Bobby will go to church, cause that's the place where pathetic people like him need to be, with idiot superiority complexes, there are blind people, they are sick people, people have tooth aches, they can't help themselves. People are being sued, and they have no one to defend them, and Bobby just wants Bentleys, really... I got to move on.

I have to go to church, seat on those pews, day dream a couple of prayers, hope Heaven gives me the perfect balance, when to build things for myself, and my children to come, and when to take time off, go keep a blind man company, teach a lame man how to play Play Station. Show a child how to read, defend a lorry driver who hit a Mercedes but couldn't get a lawyer good enough to make the judge see he was on the right. 

I got to go seat on those pews, just to seat, even though I will not actively listen cause I have too much on my mind, I will passively listen. Cause trust me, there are people I have wronged, there are people we have oppressed. And they are sweating to Heaven that there oppressors burn for the wrong things they have done to them. I need to be an angel, we need to be angels, angels in Bentleys. Hehe

Do you think you are stressed cause you think only about yourself. Do you think the moment you try to solve someone else's stress you will realize where true success is?

Men want S, women want C.

It's not easy being a man. I can see women standing on tables, throwing their hands up in the air, shouting at Bobby! How dare you say that? News flash, I dare say that. And I will put a chair on top of a table you stand on, so that i stand higher than you and repeat it again.

It's Not easy being a man!

And here is how I support what I claim. Women seat down and look pretty, it isn't rocker science seating down and looking beautiful, if you want it that bad, pick up make up, get a hugging-dress, nicer colors, do your hair, learn some flirting body language. 

"hi... You look so hot."

Thats a guy who has been thinking of the day he will be brave enough to walk up to you and say wassup. No, he doesn't seat down and attract, he stands up, walks half way to where you are. Then freaks out and walks out of the door, goes beats himself up about how much of a loser he is. Just saying hi. Come on, I will do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow never comes tomorrow. It comes months later, maybe six months later. And that's when he walks up to you and says...

"hi, you look hot."

After six months. He is sweating like a pig, he is nervous as fuck. And you turn. You look at him. You say hi. And you look away. You don't want your friends thinking you know this guy who walks around sweating nervous telling random women they are hot.

"...can I have your number?"

And now that makes you feel, what the fuck! Creep! And so the girls stand up with their other friends and exchange tables. From far at the corner, you hear men laughing, and that guy is going to have to go face his friends. And we are guys, we don't give others tissues when they get dumped. We laugh them, we don't talk facing each other, we talk facing the television. So we will not try to comfort each other. We will laugh at each other, and at some point when one of us notice enyewe that guy has been injured. Those girls walked away from him like he was a disease...

And what will we tell the guy.

"it's easy man..."

"it's easy..."

A tap on the back, finished. Then you go cry in bed alone. Hehe you will never love a girl again. But no, as much as you swear that, we aren't like women, we are driven by sex. Sex rings in our minds like a rich guy rings in a chics mind, no wait, more. Imagine we don't have to think to get a bonner. You see a hot girl, tight skirt, bouncing behind, and all systems erect, even when you not thinking about it. So half of the time, any guy who likes you comes to talk to you, know he will want sex sometime. Simple. If he is attracted to you. It will work sometimes, but most times it will not. Then when he doesn't he will understand that all he needed to do was start a neutral conversation. Like...

"hey stranger, does this shirt make me look gay?"

"hey, girl, I want to buy perfume for a girl any suggestions..."

Then he will watch women literally jump of the seat to give him advice, cause thats what women are helpless to, giving advice. And if he knows how to turn the conversation from that to flirting, he will pick all those telephone numbers. Then he will dog on all those women, like he just discovered women! A monster!

But before that, it was... "I've come here to have fun with my girls, stop bugging me."

It's not that easy being a guys, not that easy, cause it takes a couple of years to understand that women are different, and they don't get that you just see someone and you have decided, I will go say hi to her, then I will get her number, then we will have sex. 

They are complicated, but then they think they aren't. They want to get to know the person, they want to feel safe, even strangers need to be friendly strangers. But guys, hmmm I don't think that ever crosses their mind.

So anyways, there was this girl. We used to hang out kitambo pamoja lots, back in the day. We had fun, we had fun on the back seat, we had fun in the bedroom, we had fun on the car bonnet, we had fun lots of places. We almost became a thing cause a fling usually leads to serious thing when it's stays too long. But we didn't, I broke it off.

Then I fell in love with someone else, and I become a thing with someone else. But people who jazz your life don't just fade away, you call them, I called her. I called her to hook up.

So I packed outside her school like I always do, and obviously she makes sure every damn person at the school entrance notices that she is the one who is getting picked up in that car.

She walks slowly, she hits her high heels harder on the floor, she swings her hand bag, she drops stuff, she comes to the drivers side, she opens my door, she bends and hugs me.

In my mind am thinking, come on, am picking you, c we are going, why can't you use the damn co-drivers door for once, you seat down, we hug in the car. Why do you cause a scene? But I let her. It makes her happy.

So she walks round the car again, she opened the rare door, she puts her hand bag there, she then finally opens the co-drivers seat. We drive off. As if that's enough, she keeps opening her window completely. Wewe, they are tinted for a reason! I don't want people to see both of us in the car, I like privacy! But I let is slide...

Cause men, that girl. She is just fun to be around, she f inflates your ego like sh. As in the way she looks at me, it makes me feel like I have bigger balls than everyone else. And when you feel you have bigger balls than everyone else, you will act like you have bigger balls than everyone else, and if it barks like a duck, walks like a duck, looks like a duck, probably it's a boss.

But then that's not even it, you know head, yes, getting head. You just lie there and she does her thing. The thing about head is that when someone gives you head, it's almost a selfless act, it's her saying, I will give you all the pleasure you want and not want anything in return. 

"what should I get him? A wallet? A belt?"

No, that's what you get him. Head. Why I think it's selfless, and it's so nice, cause its the only time when you will just be lying there, and have an orgasm. And orgasm with no work. Relaxed! Woi!

"you remember those days, you used to love it Bobby..."

Oh yes, I did.

"where are we going?"

"we going to court..."

"why?"

"just to hang out, you don't want to keep me company?"

She looked at me, she laughed sarcastically. And it made me feel bad, she had never made me feel like that. I just crushed. But she was accompanying me, so I let it slide. We sat there for thirty minutes, she logged onto twira with my phone. And she twitted the whole time.

She only raise her eyes when she heard one of the witnesses talk about fake money, treated money that was used by Kenya Anti-Corruption Commission to trap some government official taking a bribe.

"they used a hidden cassette player and a mic to record the conversation..."

She whispered into my ears. 

"shhh yes."

"wow, kumbe Kenya is not that backward."

On our way back. 

"we pass by Nakumatt, I want chocolate..."

"No, we can't get chocolate today dear."

"Bobby, I want chocolate!"

"no... We can't get them now dear."

"okay, stop at Nakumatt I want to get Panadols."

That's what she said. 

"you have a head ache?"

I took my eyes off the road to look at her for a second. She was lying. I think she figured if it was a head ache I would have to stop and get her some Panadol, then chocolate, yes and it's never chocolate. It's always like a gift box, sijui a designer water bottle, and any other sh she can find relevant to pick. 

I decided I will drop her straight to school.

"so why did we go to court by the way? Jobless Corner?"

Wtf?

"hehe (to hide that awkward comment) I want to learn the system better than any other law student."

And she laughed, oh she laughed. She laughed so much, she laughed mpaka I felt it. So I dropped her back to her school, pretended everything was okay, she did the hand-bag-thing-at-the-backseat, walk-to-the driver-seat-slow show-off-routine. I let her.

And when she was out of the car. I crushed. My heart fell down to my foot, and I drove away the fastest way I could. The girl who made me feel like I was the man, the girl that made me feel like I was worth selfless blows on her knees for hours made me feel stupid.

She made me feel like, hey, yes, you are looking at becoming a great lawyer, but you still in law campus, you not even in f Kenya School of law, you haven't graduated, and here you are trying to put too much effort. Why cant you be like everyone else? What if you miss it all. What if? Then what? All that work you have put? Everyone now knows what you want to do, just fail and watch them laugh at you. 

"she laughed"

And the pain I would feel if the whole world laughed at me wouldn't even compare to what she made me feel. So you know what, I decided women want chocolate, men want sex, love probably comes after. So maybe we should be kinder to each other?

No one knows the future, everyone wants something, and it requires commitment, no matter how odd and ridiculous what you want seems, no matter what, everyone will always trace there accomplishments to, perseverance to fight on, patience to disregard the way that girl laughed at me, and hope. Hope is what you see abstractly in your mind, not what you can physically see. 

And I have the energy to make it happen. She can laugh all she f wants!