In class years ago. Rain pouring outside. My fingers covered in gloves. My toes still freezing even in shoes. And it's not the day I had to wear cold socks cause the sun didn't come up and they didn't dry. It's just a fridge day and the sun simply refused to warm my heart up.
I can see the teachers mouth moving. He is talking about something. I am looking outside the window. Wishing the sun would come up, cause it is really cold. My face has sank in my hand. I am day dreaming. I am drawing something in my notebook as I think. I don't know what am drawing but I will shade it and it will form something.
I didn't know sometime in the future I will feel that cold. I thought those days were over.
But here I am, sadder than Adele's songs.
I remember the tear that felt warm at the back bottom of my eyes. What an overwhelming sensation. I never thought she was that kind of a person. I didn't know she was that kind of girl. I didn't know any girl was that kind of girl. I thought such cruelty was a reserve for men, who can be heartless but we still have souls.
She was pure truth when I met her. In fact I was the first to have her love. She let me in. I let her in. The world is a cruel place, it can throw bricks at you. But I could stand in front of her. I wouldn't hesitate to save her. To protect her.
I thought she would do the same. Protect me.
I sat on the bench at some field in some private country club. She was wearing a heavy red cable knit sweater, with large collars going up to the large melons on her chest. Was it black or red? The sweater?
I must have forgotten. Cause since I found out what she had been doing behind my back, it's very easy to remember her in red sweaters, or black. Red means stop, red is the color of blood, black is the color of darkness...
I went through her inbox and letters. And suddenly I was in a black room. On the floor was my heart. Red blood oozing off it, it jumped up and down like a tortured animal, screaming about to die. Someone save it, anyone? I had been torn apart. My heart could barely breath.
I wanted to shout at her, but I couldn't. My throat had a tear. I tried to clear my throat but words wouldn't just come out.
Who were all those men? Who were they? That knocked at her door while she was in her bath tub? And she let them in. Who were all those men? I was sharing her with? That knocked at her door, while she was in the bathtub, that she met at her door with only a towel on. And every time after she shared what was mine with another, she went back to shower but went back again and it was a weekend marathon.
How could she be so bold about it? How could she? Talk about it amongst her friends. The ones she introduced me too.
And as we sat down over coffee all of us, celebrating what we had. Everyone around knew I was the one being taken for a ride. I should have been crying not laughing as we all sat back on those seats enjoying the golden sunset in the cold with hot chocolate drinks and friends and love.
I remember I wore a maroon polo shirt that day I found out. It is still my best fitting shirt. I remember the pair of loafers I wore that day. The ones that tanned with age, comfortable pair. But I can't wear those anymore. They feel like they are bad luck. Cause the day I found out about the real you, was my most unluckiest day. I think about it as I walk in the streets, and I take steps slower. My heart beats so slow if I think about it too long I think it would just stop beating.
The world come crumbling down. The wipers tried to wipe the rain from the windscreen that night as I drove home. But it was raining too hard. My eyes were too wet. They made everything a blur. You made my world a blur. You burst my bubble. The world has simply not been the same to me. All that you did made me change the way I love. Do you know that? You caused it... I walk down the streets as I think about that, and sometimes I forget and slow down in the middle of the road, and cars hoot but I can't hear. You made me feel what death feels like. I thought you meant the best for me.
But now I know better. Today, I might think am doing very fine. And a second later, I discover something I didn't know, and the lights go off all on me. The twinkle in my eyes dissolves in painful balancing tears and the only thing I can see is a heart on the ground with blood all over it. Ripped mercilessly apart.
I know it's not okay World, I know it's not okay World, you are the worst place I have ever been in. And you are the only place I have been in. No matter who promises what... No matter what I do... No matter how sure I am... You always have a sickening surprise for me... Cruel damn World...
I know what I have to do to escape you, take a trip up to the skies... Sit in the skies with the stars when you make me mad. And I will stay up there cause stars always twinkle even on a dull night. And when I feel better...
I will come down to earth. And I will continue to fight with you. Sometimes you will win, and I will be sad. Sometimes a girl will depress me, and my world will fall apart.
But sometimes I will win world, and she will show me love. And I will not anticipate misfortune when I have fortune. I will enjoy that fortune. Live in the moment. Who knows, maybe I will win forever...
But if I lose sometimes, I have the stars to look up to, Always!
