Monday 30 April 2012

Guess what? It does.




It was on Wednesday. She was on leave, everyone was at work so we hooked up. They say sometimes boredom is a great aphrodisiac, cause you are with your ex, lights are out and there is nothing else to do.

She was lying down. She didn't swallow. She cursed a little though, as she ran to the sink to spit it out. But her cursing wasn't clear. It's bad manners to talk with a filled mouth.

"why are you that mad?"

The sunset was orange and partly golden. She couldn't have been that mad cause of you know...

Instead of dropping her home. I took a surprise turn at a hotel Bontana. The good thing about big fancy hotels is that hardly no one is there during the day or rather the people you know. So no one will question the person you are with, cause people who party in sound proof hotel rooms...

"can I have a fanta orange."

I ordered.

"I will have a black ice."

She ordered. I was younger than she was. But now I felt like a total kid. Ladies will take their order first for the rest of their life. I however had the black ice, she had the fanta. And I was serious.

Besides, she wasn't going to try drown her stress in alcohol, it's counter productive. She had to tell me why she was stressed. 

"...you have swallowed my dear, you have no dignity left"

"what did you just say?"

"nothing."

"...are you forgetting you were literally on your knees trying to get me to do that for you!"

"so what's stressing you?"

I knew only such a bold comment would make her see her stress as less embarrassing. Let's be honest. Aren't problems embarrassing?

"Get the bill I will show you..."

She instructed me how to drive. I didnt know where I was going but take the next left turn, take the next right turn, go straight. She wouldn't reveal where we were going. But I drove since she was getting a kick out of it. And my intention was that she be happy. Besides she is my friend.

"are you serious? I know this place, Players Theater."

"how?"

"we used to be brought here to learn piano on weekends, I virtually spent my child hood here."

I drove in and parked at the field. It's funny how different you see things when you grow up.

"why are we here?"

She held my hand took me behind the building. Planted a kiss on my lips. I didn't want to open my mouth, for obvious reasons.

She went there for practice. She was in a band. And they didn't have enough gigs. That was what was stressing her. I even didn't know she was in music. I am the worst friend ever. I thought.

I pulled her hand. We went to the car.

"where are you taking me?"

"it's my turn now, you had your turn before, let me drive, just trust me..."

We stopped at a florist shop. It is the only florist shop I know in town. If you have a wedding, that would be the place you got your flowers. I bet she thought I was getting her red roses or some other shit like that. I could see her almost selecting. So, I talked to the guy, he showed me the flowers. He told me that most people buy roses from him for weddings but business has been a little slow. I told him I will try tell a number of people about his shop. He was very happy. I also told him about my friend. I told him she was a musician and she sang at weddings with her band. I gave him a bunch of his cards and told him. Watu wakikuja kununua flowers for a wedding. Whether he could suggest to them some live music from a band.

I have never been hugged like that before. That man decided we were a couple and we were good people. He was touched by what he thought was love between me and my friend. I had to buy just one stick of flower from him. He decided he was going to help us out. He took the cards. We left.

"Bob, that was really sweet..."

"...you know I put your interest first, am not trying to be a bad boy, that charm is weak, am trying to be a good boy, am being an angel. Do you like angels?"

"yes, yes, yessss."

She thought I was taking her home. We stopped by a wedding planners office. They mostly did cooking for weddings. We had a chat with them. They assumed we wanted to get married. We didn't let them assume that. They told us they are very busy every weekend. Some months actually they had like four weddings to cater to in a day. And I told the wedding planner I wanted a job. She laughed cause we went to primary school together. I pretended I was serious, but in mind I had done the calculation. Three four weddings a weekend, that means about two gigs for her band in a week. I gave her some business cards, she told me she will do what she can.

We went back to the car.

"Bob you dont have to do this..."

"what do you want us to do, it's Wednesday everyone else is busy?"

To tell you the truth, I think the happiest moment one can ever have is when they make someone else happy. Such paradox and not an oxymoron statement. 

As we drove her bladder got full. I guess it was from the soda and what not. We were very far from her home which is along the Nakuru Nyahururu route. We had to stop, it had reached that point it was either she did it in the car or on herself, or she did it outside. I encouraged her, though her biology was what I think did most of the encouraging.

She opened the co-drivers door. She squatted. I waited for her to start. You know how loud women are when they pee.

Then I made fun of her to pieces as she did it.

We got back to the car. But to the back seat. We even didn't do it on the back seat. We did it on the floor of the back seat. You know Range Rovers don't have that bump for the chases on the back seat. Do they? The car I was in had, that's where she was arched on, and I was trying to move the car sideways with my thrust as I watched for any charitable person who would stop offering help thinking we are stuck. You know Kenya, no one trust anybody. We did it in peace to pieces.

Her phone rang. 

"yes, yes..."

"we can do love songs..."

"this weekend?"

"yes, that can be possible."

"okay. Thank you."

I didn't hear the other side of the conversation. But she undid her seat belt and kissed my cheek a good one. You know how chics have this idea that if they kiss a dude really good it says thank you very well.

Guess what, it does.

Sunday 29 April 2012

A Painless Break Up

It was a painless break up. My shortest relationship lasted four days. They say follow your heart, right now I am going to tell you every reason not to.

We met at a restaurant. It had umbrellas and seats. She sat alone, I sat alone on the table thereto. I pretended to be very busy typing something into my Qwerty. She also pretended to be very busy reading a novel. I know she was pretending cause when you read something nice you don't keep noticing people passing by.

My eyes were steadfast on my phone, hers were in the book. But even with our heads facing down, the corner of our eyes met each other.

"I like Sydney Sheldon..."

She smiled and offered...

"I like her to."

"she is a he, no, sorry, he is a he. Don't you know?"

"you aren't serious...his lead characters are all women..."

She offered me a seat. We sat together. She was also traveling, who knew we would end up seated next to each other in the plane.

She was beautiful, her bosom was large. I wanted to settle down, all my friends had anyways. She wore a hat, it covered part of her hair. She looked borderline nice. She is one of those girls that you somehow felt looked nice today but you couldn't tell how they would look wearing something different. But I had been alone for sometime. I wanted someone. Besides, she laughed nicely. And during take off, she seemed calm, I wasn't. I never am.

We took a bus to town. That green or was it blue bus that stops at Kencom or somewhere thereabout in town literally took a route we had never seen before. It was like that part of Nairobi was not Nairobi. It looked nothing like a city, the passengers boarded with chicken, buckets, mattresses and some cockroaches. The road was dusty, people had mud around their shoes. The road felt old. The bus felt old. The smells were bad and moved as slow as the whole place. Everything overtook us even people walking!

We both vowed to never use a bus again. But at least we spent longer together that day. But still, too long.

On that basis, on the basis that we needed to remind each other never to use that bus again to town, we exchanged numbers. 

At one of those parties where you rent a house at the beach, you attend where everyone is someone, and you know no one, but everyone would know you if you devised a new way of smoking shisha. Everyone got to know her. The manner in which she smoked got her popular. Suddenly everyone was talking to her, that smoking style was coined in her name. 

It was wonderful. Oh it was. Especially cause all of a sudden I was alone at the party. No one to talk to. She was at the corridor, surrounded by around four men. They were laughing at her jokes.

I paced around. I sat watching television. Until I got mad.

There I was step, after step after step. To the corridor. I pushed everyone of my way. And planted a kiss on her lips, in the middle of everyone, in the middle of her sentence, my tongue seized the middle of her lips.

I literally talked her into heading with me upstairs. In one of those rooms at a party. I talked her into it. And I talked her into playing with my head like she was having a soar throat.

I slept. 

I don't know where she went afterwards. In the morning all I know is I woke up alone, the people cleaning woke me up telling me, if I wanted to stay I would have to pay for another day.

I later got to know she left for home.

"hello... You left?"

"yeah... Got tired."

"what time..."

"I can't remember,"

"why didn't you tell me..."

"let's meet tomorrow and talk about it."

"by the way can I ask you something?"

"sure..."

"no, let me not ask, I know you will get mad"

"no, chic, just ask I wont get mad,"

"you will..."

"no, I will not argh..."

"fine. I'll tell you."

"can... You hook me up with him?"

"are, you serious? I didn't know anyone there."

"can I hook up with him?"

Line dead*

I don't know what the hell happened after that. But I remember sitting at some restaurant in town with her across the table and a relationship between us. We were together romantically. We had been for four days.

And to be honest, I hate how her boobs looked without her bra. I hated how her shoulders looked in a bareback, they were a bit crude. I didn't like the golden bracelet she wore on her arm. It looked too gold. I loved the way she talked, but I hated the way she felt. Her body felt watery, too watery like it was weak. I didn't like being seen with her most times, when she got wet it smelled. It's not like she didn't shower but I just didn't like it. I knew I didn't like all these but I still went on disregarding what my mind told me, instead I followed my heart.

I learned team work from that, that as much as people ask you to follow your heart. You should support the teamwork between your heart and your mind. It's goes against the norm of culture to not do what your mind tells you. But haven't you even yourself seen the results of following your heart without thinking?

It was a painless break up. When something that is nothing and has always been nothing breaks, you feel nothing. 

Saturday 28 April 2012

Be live.





Climb out of bed at 2am in the morning. My throat is dry. My notes are on replay in my mind.

Know how music plays on replay in your mind. Cases, and sections of Act and the constitution replay in the same way. They haven't ever played like that, but am making them play.

Just like you don't need to think to recite the words in a song, I want the basic knowledge to flourish in my career to be second nature to me.

I wear something warm, a coat, I wear a pair of pants and my gloves. I pick the car keys and I drive slowly to town.

Two, three more years to go before am a lawyer.

I stop just outside the court room. I get out of the car. I look at the old building. No one is around, the watchmen are asleep. I touch the soil with my hands, I sit on the tarmac right there in the parking lot. It doesn't matter to me that I jumped over the fence.

I look at the building. This is where I am going to shine. I tell myself. I will make it here. The wheels to the hottest car I will drive will touch this gravel. I will be interviewed here. It doesn't matter whether my pants are getting soiled by the soil.

Am here, where judges and advocates, and magistrate thrive, where law lives, where civilized fights go on, a battle of wits.

It's almost my time. I touch the ground, I can feel it, I touch the walls, i believe it, its real, I walk to the court rooms, I touch the doors. The door is open, It is here. Concrete jungle.

This is where I will divide, conquer and thrive.

"hey?"

"whose there..."

The guard point his touch on me.

"Wewe ni nani?"

"what you doing here?"

"this is the court, tutakufunga in jail..."

I look at him and smile.

"I will be working here..."

"hapa ni pangu boss."

And I stand up from the stairs I sat on.

"I am Bob"

In a few years utaskia hiyo jina sana. He opens the gate, but I still jump over the fence. I don't need anyone to open for me the gate. I am coming in by myself, and I will thrive by myself.

They laugh.

I say bye even though they don't say bye back. Goes to proving Ino one will demotivated me, I get into the car. I drive back home counting the lights in the streets. They are in the thousands. I soil the steering with with soil from the parking lot. The leather seats too.

I drop my coat on the floor at the door, I kick my shoes out, I remove my trousers, they form a sort of foot print to my room. They will be picked up so I don't care. I have to much heart beat in my mind to care. My time is soon, and I will conquer.

I lie on the bed. I leave the curtains open. I want the stars to shine on me, they match the twinkle in my heart.

It feels nice doing what you love, even though you have fucked up, and the future isn't promising, if you decide you believe in better, and you can be the best. It will come...

I believe.

Benefit.



It was at four in the morning. Where was the idiot? I was out breathing warm air into the cold misty air and it could show. Where was the bustard... It was four already.

I rubbed my hands together. I took my gloves out of my peacoat, I popped the collars up to protect my neck from the cold morning wind. I kicked a worm in the soil with my boots. The early bird wasn't going to catch the worm? Not under my watch.

"wacha naenda kumchuka, pole kungoja."

I addressed the crowd of men standing waiting with me.

I got to the house. In my anger, I picked the car keys to the big car. I got in the car. I revved it hard so that the air con would cough up hot air faster.

The road was muddy, it must have rained the last night, the houses were congested, but reasonably arranged. This idiot I was to pick had his phone off. I was going to drag him out of his house. I knew where he lived.

So no wonder the gate was opened. There they were two huge dogs in a distance. They were staring at me barking. I was half way into the compound. Why the fuck didn't they make me aware of their presence whilst I was at the gate.

I was doing the math, if I ran back to the gate and out of the compound, would I be fast enough for them not to catch me? Yes. I would be fast enough for them not to catch me, but to have enough time to just tear me into pieces of meat as I attempted to run. They wouldn't stop me, those dogs wouldn't, they would bite me, watch me try to run, bite me again.

Until, mister over there got out of his house. Boy did I ran his way, and that's how I escaped the dogs.

"wewe, sasa what times this you are waking up?"

"unataka kunichomea pesa..."

Then I saw the wife and the kid. I couldn't talk to him like that in front of them.

"Boss, si everyone is waiting for you..."

"all the workers told me mdosi amelala... Nani ukweli. But I hope you had a good night."

"Pole... By the way this is my wife."

"hello"

"hi, sasa me am your husbands driver..."

I even showed a little fear around the dogs. It was quite easy. I did everything to show the wife and kid who were lingering at the door that this guy who worked for me was the man. A man has to be a man at his house.

While we were in the car.

"sasa you didnt tell me you have a wife and toi man, ai pole..."

"hakuna shida, you said you were my driver."

"yeah, but don't make me pick you up from your home again... I will deduct fuel from your pay."

He laughed at my jokes, sometimes I wonder whether am humorous or he laughs at them cause it's me.

We were at the farm. He met with his watu-wa-mikono. I sat in the car listening to music for about an hour as they slaughtered. Men with knives at 5am in the morning. Animals turning into meat. Transport vehicle packing at the gate. Meat being packed into sacks and weighed.

"were are done, let's go get them stamped."

I rubbed my hands together. I reversed. I let the lorry move ahead. I followed it. I was watching my meat.

We got to the slaughter house. They offloaded the meat. I stayed in the car. They took sacks at intervals and brought them back. There were kids in neat and dirty uniforms walking around. Ahh I didn't miss school days. There were other kids around the car. One tried to mess with the crown on the bonnet. I had to get out.

"we are done, next step the hotel"

"why there today?"

"they are paying better per kilo..."

"you dont mind a cheque?"

"ai, check hapana, the last time I waited three months..."

"no hii wana sign immediately."

"...you sure?"

"yeah."

"ah, sawa basi."

"by the way, nimefanya a little trick hapo..."

"huh?"

"c you know hawa check nyama yote..."

"oh"

I was tempted to use the front door into the hotel. You know, common practice. This time I used the gate at the back. And the customer care is different there. Same car, same hotel, same guards, different service. At the back entrance to hotels, they talk to you, offer instructions and shout. Park there, reverse here, leave way here for the lorries, yadi yada yidi.

I was given a badge with a name tag. I didn't wear it I held it in my hand.

I supplied the meat to the hotel, cause that's what my budge said. Supplier.

"next building second floor is where the accounts office is."

"okay, good, you already have your cut?"

"yes. Tumemalizana, call me when the others are ready to be slaughtered"

 I was in the office. It had employees only. I could tell. I asked for my cheque from the accounts guy. He wrote it half way then got a phone call.

"excuse me, sasa Mr.Bob, you meat isn't stamped, we can't write you your cheque?"

"there must be a problem."

We argued for a while. What I really felt like doing was grabbing the laptop lying on his desk. I wanted to yank it from his table so that it's wires disconnected while some snapped into half. Then I would slam it on the wall furthest from me. That way everyone in the office would know I wasn't ready for bullshit.

But then that would be unproductive. Most people get angry, and they react, but how you react is important. You will erupt and their will be tomorrow, and tomorrow this idiots in this office will be following me up with cops claiming I vandalized the companies assets or something. Stupid fancy words, it was just a laptop I banged cause I was angry at...

I was angry at the wrong person.

"hello?"

"hello?"

"Nyama, was not stamped? Hii ni habari gain naskia?"

"c but I was with with you?"

"Nyama, was not stamped? Hii ni habari gain naskia?"

"ah come on, c you knew about it?"

"Nyama, was not stamped? Hii ni habari gain naskia?"

And my tone was getting more serious. What did he expect I would do? I felt I needed to pretend I didn't know what was going on, even though both I and him knew what was going on. I was angry.

And I was releasing my anger in a productive way. I was telling the guy, hey I was there when you fucked up but I am pretending I didn't know you didnt have the meat stamped. So that next time when you screw up. You will not expect me to clean up your mess. He got the message. From the repetition of...

"Nyama, was not stamped? Hii ni habari gain naskia?"

I decided to direct my anger well even in the office. I told them I was to be somewhere at 9am, and I hate being made to wait. They needed to know that. And they heard it from the noise I made in the phone. They wouldn't delay my cheque then or in the future, then I finished off with a little humor. Humor is a powerful disarmament weapon. You can say all the shit you can but make people laugh, they forgive you.

"Asante."

Somehow the guy sorted it up from his end. I picked my cheque. It was a few minutes to 9am. I was in time. I left the keys to the big car on the table where we keep keys. I picked the keys to the small car. At least I wasn't going to get into trouble for that.

"ey, get up, twende..."

"lawn tennis?"

"yeah."

We were at the club at a little past 9. Had a mzuri breakfast. Played some tennis. We would chill out most of the day there. Good steak by the pool, nice pudding to cream the feasta, coffee to wash it up so that I keep awake in spite of all that food during the afternoon. We must swim. Ah, it's a good life.

I can hustle too. For those who think I am...

When you get angry, know their is tomorrow. Ask yourself, is the way you are channeling your anger productive? Will it shape up the bad habits around you for the better? Will it change the way they relate with you for better? Or are you just fucking up?

If you are just fucking up angry, that is fucked up. No, wait you are fucked up.  Their is always tomorrow. Benefit. Turn your negative emotion into something positive.

Friday 27 April 2012

Her Life Style.

Living alone is kind of like solitary confinement, especially on weekends. Weekdays there is work, so you get to see people, even though it's people you hate.
But in the house on weekends you can go for a whole two days without seeing a human being. Especially when the house help doesn't show up. The only people you interact with are Tom and Jerry, or Garfield, and he is a cat.

I had to remedy that, that is why I was in a matatu to Nyali. I was going to see a she friend. I was going to break the monotony. I was going to have a little fun.

Her house is on second floor. I counted as I went through the gate seeing her seated at the balcony which over-looked the car park as well as the gate. She must have been having the time of her life there. A cigarette in her hand and some wine on the table.

"Bobby..."

She cried out loud when she saw me. She ran back into the house. I knew I would meet her at the door.

It was a friendly hug. I hadn't seen her in a while. I didn't know she moved, but she was there then.

"wow, nice place you got here."

The floor was black and polished to shine like your shoes are. The whole floor. The seats were a blend of leather and velvet, so there were somewhere somewhat like swede but not quite cause you could spill red wine and it could drip off, but then when you sat on it it was softer than leather.

She told me about her periods. I made fun of her thoroughly, I told her about how being a guy is hard. Chasing after women. She asked me to quit chasing, cause hot people don't chase, they build themselves to be chased after. It is more productive. I told her what she told me was bull shit. But I knew it wasn't, and I would think about it later.

"you don't want wine?"

"it's really nice, I've let it air for two days in the fridge..."

No am fine. I went to the kitchen. Oh, this girl is so cool. People think am cool, yes? No. Okay, but I think she is way cooler than I. There was nothing in the fridge but a lonely green apple chilling in that whole big neat fridge, one bottle of wine which was half done, and a bottle of Konyagi, which makes lips dry. I hate it. But they lie there and they looked nicely organized.

"water?"

"...on the telephone chair,"

You have seen scotch bottles haven't you? With the short fat glasses that they go with. That's how she serves her water. With an ice bucket. She has no juice, soda, it's just water, porridge and wine. And I felt like I should throw all the clutter in my house, just sit down at the balcony and sip fresh clean water off nice glass with a tong to pick the ice cubes and talk about music that isn't as commercialized as popular music.

"...I just got an email, you know there is a Tsunami Alert Warning?"

"what! Where?"

"in Mombasa,"

"you lying, google it..."

"...we are right at the beach."

Do you think it will be that big? No. Where will you ran to if it were to happen? I don't know? The winds are strong by the way. Should we leave? We go to town? Okay.

In thirty minutes about, at around Coffee O'clock we were at Aroma Cafe. I had never been, but she always gets wind of nice places before everyone does. She is like the Kenyan Concierge.

We ordered one plate of I can't remember what but i remember it came in a plate with a large bowl on top of the bowl. She is the kind of girl that makes it cool to share a plate of fries or whatever.

"excuse me,"

"waiter..."

"bring me a slice of white forest and the newspaper..."

What the hell. Newspaper? How now? And you know what, he walked to the door, handed the guard some of the money. And in a few minutes we had the Saturday paper.

There is friends with benefits, morally incorrect but popularly practiced around. But to tell you the truth, she is attractive, I dont mean her simple elegant style, but her lifestyle, yes, I might not approve of going all the way to the Mall to buy staws and a bunch of plentiful fruits, bottles of Vodka and what not.

Then spending the whole Boxing Day holiday season on a strict diet of vodka, movies, series, wine, cigarettes and chocolate. But man, is she attractive. She carries herself with such grace that her imperfections seem perfection. You want to complain about the things she complains about in the way she complains about them. Throw her love for Swahili Dishes and her perfect Swahili in the mix and you have yourself a girl that is true to herself, beautiful, original, completely one in a million.

A simple lifestyle, poise, incredible manners, informed taste, disregard for the conventional, short skirts and nice lingerie. Throw some cleavage over there. And that is why everyone hits on my friend. She is a piece of work.

18 forever...

It was one of those nights when it rains. It pours. You hate it. But when you are with someone you love it with the same intensity you hated it.

As usual, it wasn't the weekend, so I was cold. Work during the weekday, play during the weekend, be serious about your entertainment during the weekend, as you are serious about work during the weekday.

But then the wind was blowing, the rain was coming, the bed was lonely, it demanded company.

"hello."

"hey."

"...you know by the way you are so boring."

"why?"

"cause people say so, you never do anything spontaneous."

I knew she liked to see herself as the life of the party. So it would be easy for her to try to prove she was not boring by coming over. I had pricked her self esteem. So, in a few minutes I would be expecting her at the door. But...

"So?"

"So, you are boring..."

"then..."

Oh oh, it wasn't going to work. I bet it would have worked if she really cared about what people thought of her. But she didn't care that I saw her as boring. I had to find something else. It was about to rain...

"...you know my friend invited her chic over just now."

"yeah, I know the rain."

"it's like everyone is turning this cold weather to the best thing that has ever happened to their life..."

"I wish I to had someone to call..."

I wanted to offer myself. But I protect my ego. What if she said no? How would that make me feel.

"...come on, I don't want you to come over."

"I wasn't talking about you Bobby, argh... Bye!"

"no, no wait!"

I had to think fast she was almost leaving. If peer pressure wasn't going to work on her, no matter how much I tell her everyone is doing it... She will not listen. I know it works usually, that's why they say birds of a feather flock together. But I don't think it convinced her. She really didn't feel the need to fit in, so she didn't see it a good idea to come over just cause everyone was spending the night with someone.

"...you know you are going to be done with college next year."

"yeah... I can't wait."

"...is it worth keeping your name and being sad?"

"pardon?"

"I said nothing."

"...I heard."

"then why are you asking?"

"you...bye."

"you know we will forget you once you graduate?"

"really?"

"no one really cares, no one really needs you"

"stop being mean..."

I knew her button. She liked being needed. So I decided to change the topic, even though I knew her mind would not change that topic.

Then there was the knock at the door.

"I knocked at your neighbors, shoot."

"are you serious?"

"yeah, some old mama opened it."

"you know it's at 2 right?"

"you should have picked the phone when I called."

"sorry, I was asleep, want something to drink?"

"no, am good."

She was in her tights and that other dress women put over their tights. The short one, they can wear during the night but during the day it becomes obscene. See, how complicated women are? Even their clothes are complicated.

Obviously I let a boring movie play to fake my innocent invite. I hid all the nice movies cause then those you see to the end. We had to pause and play some music, and that's when I took advantage.

"show me how to dance."

She did her moves, I broke the physical ice. We were touching each other. Then soon we were back on the couch and she was sitting on me.

We did another round of changing channels before sitting in the living room became to tiring so we decided to take the chit chat to the bedroom.

We turned off the lights cause it was late at night. But there was some light so we talked music.

We started lying on each other still with all our clothes on. She sat on me, and oh do I love tights now.

She moved, right left and center, I felt like mr. down there would break my zipper. He didn't, but he wanted to vomit. I was choking out of pleasure. You don't even know how that feels, and the rain outside was hitting harder. We could scream and no one could hear us.

At moments, she bent over so that her chest was on my chest and my eyes were entertained, it was completely 3D, and I didn't need those ridiculous goggles to watch my entertainment.

"Do you have alcohol?"

"I have sparkling water..."

"I would really love something to drink?"

"come on, where are you going?"

"to look for something to drink."

"you will not find any..."

"you can't have condoms and no alcohol, I will find it..."

I lie there on the bed thinking what the hell. Trying to catch my breath and my trousers were still on, her clothes were on, but I was panting like I just Bolt-ed through a marathon.

She came back looking as sad as the sad yellow smiley.

She did things to me, with my clothes on that I can't even talk about. She did things to me with her clothes on I can't even talk about publicly. They felt out of this world.

When I dropped her to be with her friends at some club. I felt my bed was the loneliest place I had ever been.

But it's okay, cause, unlike her, you can't tell me, if you don't have drugs and alcohol in your house we aren't having sex in indirect ways. You can't call me a chicken intentionally to get me to do something trying to look brave in your eyes.

You can't tell me everyone is doing it hoping I will join the crowds on that basis.

The only power one can have over manipulation is, principles. The moment you start negotiation with me, trust me I will win.

She still tells me I am a nice guy. She thinks the reason why we didn't do is cause she asked me to drop her to some club with her friends.

If only she knew, that as much as I take a beer here and there, drugs... *clearing throat. I never keep such things in the house anymore, cause Baileys is with friends, and Baileys is not a friend.

If it was just me and Baileys in this house. Oh my. We would be in such a faithful relationship. I wouldn't leave bed in the morning.

I can't work this hard to waste away,I want to live forever, enjoy the fruits of today forever, so I am taking care of me and my liver first. So, if you want to drink lovely lady, meet me out, not in my house, and if you think pulling down your panties is going to change my mind. You are a few years late. Get a time machine and meet me at 18.

Tuesday 24 April 2012

Move...

It was at night, but it could as well be day. The car I was driving had two suns for head lights. It had lightening in the exhaust pipe, and thunder under the engine. The road had no traffic, so I eat it like fish with no bone, no need for caution. Clear road, just flying away.

At 2am the road is as smooth as jelly, no traffic, no distraction. Just lovely music coming out of the stereo.

I could see Nairobi on my side mirror, I could see Kikuyu on my windscreen mirror, my electronic maps told me Limuru was close.

I passed Limuru by a distance.

A little out of town, I noticed the road. I hear such places car failure is as good as the end of your life. If you got a puncture on that road that cuts through the forest, don't try to fix the car. Just get out of the car, get a hoe, dig yourself a grave. Robbers would have their brutal way with you.

I was alone, I could feel a chill run through my spin. I felt lucky. At that black death spot, I drove faster. 

"no, please don't stop."

"do you want to stop?"

I hit the steering as if it would urge the car to perform.

"come on, come on..."

I pressed the clutch in a desperately, I fiddled with the gear anxiously, i turned the acceleration key. 

I could see the night outside, I could see the darkness, I could see myself stop, I could see men covered in masks coming out of the bushes happy they have fresh meat. I saw myself dying, that's why I couldn't let myself switch on the hazard lights. To me that meant surrender.

The car jerked, good girl, and it moved, it was loud but it moved. Back to it's normal self.

Oh, had it decided to break down on me, I would be dead by now, I would have been sliced like met, everything I owned, everything I was wearing would be taken from me, the car would be dismantled to screws, the screws would be sold before they discovered my body.

The car stopped.

I tried to press the hazard. But all was off, lights off, electric door, dead, window off, everything electronic of. From a distance it was like the car wasn't there. The night was so dark. The car was so dark. If an oncoming car was overtaking, it would meet mine in a sudden head on colusion, and I wouldn't blame the driver.

If a car came from behind, it would be surprised to met mine right there on the road in a crush. And if the driver tried to escape, he would fly off the bridge. I was trapped.

I had two options, to let the car be my grave, wait to be hit while am inside, or to leave it, stand outside and die in the hands of a robbers knife.

I chose the robber. At least then I could fight.

So there I was, seated on the tarmac pavement looking at the car on the road from a distance. I could see drivers almost hitting it, especially busses and lorries, they would come hooting, angrily at the car that lay on the road. But then they would overtake it, I was glad they did, it's better than to watch it hit off the cliff.

Every time I saw men walking by the car, they looked into the drivers seat, the window was open, but the oncoming traffic lights kept them off. They were men that walked by the high way at 2 in the morning...

Sunday 22 April 2012

Men Don't Have Crocodile Tears



Men Don't Have Crocodile Tears.

I just played Adele's song turned it off cause it felt uplifting. I want company for my misery, I don't want a song that has higher positive emotion than my heart has cause it feels like you feel when someone has all A's in her transcript and you have Re-sits in all.

I have fucked up once more. I have. I decided to take my path therefore, my failure is my own burden. I cannot blame it on the boss cause am my own boss. Dammit.

But as much as I feel like shit. I cannot go on talking about how shitty I feel. How everything is fucked up, even the milk in the fridge has expired...and am thirsty for something to drink. Its a shitty day but being negative is retrogressive. But I want to be real, by the end of this post after all the bitching I must end on a positive note.

She thinks she is going to save me, she actually believes she is going to save me, how quit. Chic I will need so much saving by the time you are done with me you will feel like a trailer just run on you. I can't be saved, I fuck up every now and again. My heart is as unstable as lightening. I mood swing with the effects of a tsunami, only that I hurt myself the most, but don't think I dint hurt those around me.

Watch me, I can build your life, just by virtue of being close to me, I have everything but am needier than you think. If its an exchange, you are there for me, I am meant to return a favor be there for you, do you think I will keep the end of the bargain?

I sometimes close the world, I take to the cold streets, I wear black boots, I wear a scarf that could buy a car, I wear a jacket that feels softer to wear than the pink velvet of sex, leave the car walk in the streets and let the rain pour on me alone. Cause I feel I am here alone, and what better way of paying for your fuck ups than letting rain pour on you, it's like taking a shower to wipe off your filth, the filth of under performance, the filth of acting like a dush, ignoring calls from people who care about you, engaging in self destructive practices by condoning sadder thoughts than happy ones.

It's a fucked up world babe, you can't save me, it's tiring, it's not humanly possible to save me. Let's go out tonight, everyone drinks on me, find refuge in the masses, the more friends in my life, the more the better, fake ones, real ones who cares, if I make sure I do good to them, the whole lot of them, I know most are good for nothing, but when I fail, when am fucked up.

Out of the so many, one will save me, and when they get tired of listening to my troubles, when they get tired of saving me, another will rise to the occasion out of guilt, not love, return of a favor, to save me, but if no one does.

I have this sad songs, misery loves company, and is there anyone more miserable than me in the world? I don't think so? I am so miserable, it becomes talent. I laugh at such irony.

Breathing in, breathing out, I don't know what the fuck am doing fucking up my relationship, I don't know what the fuck am doing, and I know i will need her, I know I need her like I need air. And am fucking up, am fucking up everyday, she will leave? Can I feel her leave? Maybe she wants to leave but she doesn't know it yet? Maybe she already left?

Why the fuck are you with me? I can be an attractive mess, that I know. Damaged goods, people come, take what they want, and they leave. No one stays this long.

So today I covered myself in trying to understand myself, and I discovered that most of what is in books has the potential of being wrong. I tried to find out where the root of my creativity lies. All I got were explanations. So technically what books are are an observation, an analysis of the world, put in books.

So baby, what makes me happy is to find out what is in the books, cause I don't want to re-invent the wheel, I want to flourish so much that my work is written about. Writing trying to beat there heads explaining in theories why I am the way I am, why my work is the way it is.

That's what I seek, I seek it more than a career, I seek it more than fitting in, I seek it more, but problem is sometimes my obsession drives me to slowly fuck everything else in my life, it's like I get into a trance. I want to understand the whole world, start understanding from the efforts of others who have analyzed it in books and what not.

After that, I can observe it for myself, understand it, and make my life and your life, and those around me better. But in quest for that, sometimes I make you sad.

I don't give you as much attention, I make you feel a tear run down your face. And now when I speak about the things I know, I slowly start feeling detached from most of the people I know.

But am trying, am trying to deliver a punch line with a joke, I am trying to say good morning every morning. Good night at night.

I am not trying to tell you you are beautiful, that I don't need to try, it comes out naturally, I love your hair, I love the way you carry yourself, I love the way you pose when you stand, I love the way you react, I love the way your lips stick, lip bum, lip whatever tastes on my lips.

I love you babe. Am still here. The tear in my eyes says so, I believe it,  you better believe it, cause men don't have a reserve for crocodile tears.

steady, Steady...STEADY!



It was on a Saturday afternoon. I had just finished writing another post. I stared at the table. Should I? Should I not?

I did.

The pick up was down stairs already. They loaded the table plus my office chair in it. When you want something, you do whatever it takes.

I could see them scratching their heads puzzled, why I was taking an office chair, an office table to the beach? Public beach? Private beach?

Public beach. There are more people there. So I found a spot close to the ocean water. I planted my table there plus my chair. I was shaking, partly cause I was doing this alone. But don't you have to take a step in believing in yourself before anyone believes in you.  I didn't want to waste anyone's time, so I was at the public beach alone. No friends. No support us. My battle to fight.

I took my felt pen, drafted on the cardboard the way I know best. Displayed it on the table for people to see. And sat there hoping some people will come to me.

Five minutes felt like fifteen, fifteen minutes felt like a year. Thirty minutes felt like a decade. I smiled at people but no one came. But I couldn't give up. I was so frustrated, I decided, what the hell... What have I to lose? I might as well have fun with this...

I got out from behind the desk. There was a girl in a black and white sun dress, she was very curvy, almost heavy. She looked lovely. Her friend I can't remember what she was wearing, cause no one remembers number two. They were lying in the sand sun bathing. Didn't they have it easy.

"hi..."

"hi"

"lovely afternoon, I can see you are online...twira?"

...before they decided I was being a creep.

"so, my name is Bob and I am a writer."

"oh, okay."

Now they were both trying to see my face, they were bare feet in sand, the sun was shining in their eyes and I was standing in front of them.

"so, I came here to promote my work."

"you have a book?"

"not yet."

"we saw you seated behind that desk, we were wondering what you were up to?"

"yeah, that kinda didn't work..."

"I ran away..."

"you can stay here with us, I bet it more fun than behind your desk alone."

I took off my shoes to join them lying on the sand looking at the waters splash in small waves. The chemistry that happens when one feels the white sand with their bare feet happened.  At first I kept on worrying whether anyone wound steal my office seat and table. But you know good conversations, they make you forget about your surroundings.

They were in Mombasa on holiday. Such Nairobians they kept asking me whether they should join me behind that desk on the beach try to get some fans. Something to do with bikinis would help me. Laughter. The beach looked better I told them. Besides, I had gotten two fans now. And they loved some of my posts. I know this cause as they read them as I sat there soiling my clothes with beach sand, I could see them chuckle, giggle I was happy.

Two, is better than nothing. I told them. Just like two true ones are better than a hundred untrue ones.

Later that night, we went out with my friends. I decided to check-in my current location on all social media. I thought it would be an epic fail like the beach thing.

One hour, two hours, I forgot about my update. So, I see this girl walk in, I don't know why I noticed her, probably it's because she had worn nothing but a skirt.

Yes, creative women can pull that off, she had pulled her skirt to her burst, so it looked like a dress, a lovely short dress at that. She looked wonderful, she had pearl earrings. Her face had a touch of make up, she was looking all elegant and shit. Just like... Just like...

Just like the women I describe on my blog...

"hey, I know you..."

"hi. Yeah you look familiar..." I lied.

"no you don't."

She said laughing.

"I read your blog"

I died. I died again.

She gave me a hug. She told me she hosted a show at some weekly event. I offered to attend. But she told me...

"you will complicate stuff for me."

"why?"

"cause I like the co-host"

"what does that have to do with me?"

"he will start asking me, who you are etc"

I bought her a beer, though she wanted to buy me one. It was a good night, no matter what.

I was taking a leak. Still could feel the buzz noise in my ear. That's what happens when you leave loud music for the rest room at a night club, can you relate?

"hey, dude, I read your blog."

"nice work."

"thanks man."

"but I found the earlier ones hard to understand."

He left before I could inquire more, what did he mean he didn't understand my earlier posts? Bad writing? Have I grown since? So back to the bar. Same guy offers to buy me a drink, I accept.

"black ice..."

"dude you take black ice? Seriously?"

Guy leaves. Takes a round in the club. Guy comes back after I was done with the drink.

"Bobby, c you buy me a drink?"

I figure. He bought me one, so its only fair I buy him one.

"bar tender, give him whatever he wants."

We buy each other drinks like two, three rounds before he starts pushing the girls crowded around me away. All my friends are like what the hell? I start feeling uncomfortable, we've been buying each other drinks so I can't just chase him away, I know the music is loud but dude, you don't have to speak so close to my ear!

I excuse myself, hoping he will leave. I had gotten that desperate. At first when you want someone to leave you are subtle, after a while you get tired of them you become obvious.

I was taking a leak again. Lot's of drinks, need for the washroom, relate much?

"you see what you have done?"

He had a bandana in his hand. I didn't know what he meant, and frankly I didn't care. But we had bought each other beers.

I promise you women find it hard. If that's what they go through, you Accept a drink from a stranger, but then you later find out, after taking the drink you can't just tell the guy fuck off, however creepy. You can but it doesn't just feel right.

To tell you the truth, I didn't enjoy the music afterwards, I was just seated at the bar the rest of the time glad my friends were there. I felt trapped. I was glad when he left. Oh I was.

I learned three things that day, never take black ice, or a cocktail in public especially when you are a guy. If you find brown bottles taste like piss. Just order a black ice, add a little Alvaro to color your drink. Let a brown bottle seat on the table. Otherwise, people will think you are playing for your own team.

I also learned that, I don't want to be like 50cent, he came up too fast. The fans he sort of had never enjoyed a long enough relationship with his character. So when he screwed up it was easy for them to pack up and leave like one night stands are. But guys like Lil Wayne, oh he had some very steady growth, I know am a fan, I have been for a while, he sings shit sometime but I let it slide, come on, why wouldn't I, I've been listening to him for decades. Am not close to being published. I want steady growth, like a long relationship.

I want to steal a heart at a time. And right now, every reader I have. I cherish. Even if it is just the two at the beach.

I will get there, someday, but not today, it's one heart at a time for me. Steady rise. I don't want to build my house too fast, cause then it might fall down as fast, I want steady, cause those ones last forever like words do.

Saturday 21 April 2012

Can I sit next to you?



I've been seeing this girl in school. Problem is she is always with her friends otherwise I would say hi to her. I have caught her checking out whether I am checking her out. She walks in front of me pretending she is looking to the left or to the right, but I know she is looking behind. I make sure she catches me looking at her.

So this day the moon decided to fall in my hands. She was seated alone. My heart starting beating. I had been waiting for that moment for months.

Stop beating. I told my heart. You are going to make my voice sound shaky. Stop thinking my mind, if you think too much you are going to make saying hi to her too much a big deal and you have only this one chance. Don't blow it!

"hi..."

"hi."

Shoot. She is so beautiful. Her hair has such color. Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't run speechless. Think of something to talk about.

"waiting for somebody?"

"no"

"can I seat next to you?"

"sure."

I placed my bag on the seat. I sat next to her. We talked. I made her laugh. She even gave me the cheat-code to her heart.

She likes men who are confident. She likes men who are the best. They dominate. She believes she is hot. Therefore she deserves the best. So if she has to have a man, that man must be seen by other women to be the best. She likes doors open for her. If you invited her to your place it has to be hygienic, no rats, cockroaches or frogs lingering about. I was going to be the perfect man.

The next time we met, we were at Nyali Cinemax. I made sure to do everything right. I even tipped the attendant at the movie counter. I let her through the door before me just like the perfect gentleman she saw admires.

I got Soda and Pepsi, some pop corns. As we got into the cinema hall, when the guy who gives 3D lenses gave me one first. I quickly corrected him. Women first.

I held her hand as we walked in. She stepped on some guy. A huge dude with a girl. Now that was going to be tricky. When men are with women, they will fight. I had to act first.

"babe, take the drinks and the pop corns, go seat am coming..."

"No, she stepped one me."

"just go babe, we will settle this as men."

He had stood up. The Goliath of a guy. His chic was seated. Watching.

I started walking to the aisle, on the claim we should handle it there. He followed me reluctantly.

Once he was there, minus an audience, I knew his stupid ass will come down, cause what's the point of showing your muscle to a guy.

"by the way, pole that chic man, she's patiad me stress, haven't even tapped that. I don't want maneno with her, I just want to be over and done with, alafu you know polee, she stepped on you, but if we start handa-ing her, sijui she will want to go home and all..."

"easy, man, easy..."

"ahh you haven't tapped? Mazee, poleeee, poleeee."

"what do you say we head back watch the movie, try get head?"

"at the cinema, ahhh you guy, that would be tamu."

So we left back for our seats.

"what happened?"

"c you know me, am a man, I sorted it out."

"did you fight..."

"love, this is the 21st century, soldiers that fight with there hands win the battle but lose the war, the ones that fight with their heads win both."

When she laughed. I knew it was a sealed deal. She curved her hand under mine. But just to be sure.

"babe, let me head to the washroom..."

I quickly headed to Nakumatt the one close to the Cinema. I got a chocolate gift box, I got a small bottle of Baileys cream. I bribed the guy at the cinema door with a small mzinga to let me in with drinks.

When I got back, I didn't show her what I got until the movie was hot. After one, two, three kisses. I comfortably opened the bottle of Baileys, i got her attention from the snapping of the paper that wraps it. The sweet chocolate coffee smell flooded our atmosphere. I saw her back arch up from the eager.

"is that?"

"yes it is..."

"is that?"

"chocolate... Yes it is."

"for me,"

"yes for you."

I did everything right. I was the man of her dreams. We enjoyed the movie. She was happier than a cocktail.

But things didn't work out.

So, one time, when I was in school. I saw her again. She looked fine. She was in jeans, the blue but almost white. Her top was shouting blue. The color Facebook is. It had no fade, it's like she didn't wear anything that almost faded. She had more electronics than I do. iPad2 that made my iPad fill like it was a KAK 178old. Her phone had a stylus and what not.

Her earrings looked like the ones advertised on Msafiri. Her hand bag was blue clothe like a tent but finer, softer with a brown sitting like a Bently interior.

She pretend not to see me. She kept on staring at some Toyota that had a driver who loved his horn. The tinted window was rolled down. But I couldn't see inside. I guess when she realized I wasn't moving from where I was. She just ran to the car, opened the co-drivers seat and they left.

I was perplexed.

What a rude guy? Can't he park? Can't he open the door for her? Can't he be confident enough to pick her in public? I thought she liked the best? Wasn't that a small Toyota?

Ahh. Now I get it. Money, he must have given her money and I didn't. No wonder. That's why when I was dropping her at the club Rio with her friends she kept staring at my wallet that was on the dashboard.

She thinks that opening doors. Chocolates. Taking her out to nice places. Dormans and what not makes her smile. She actually does. I wish she knows what makes twinkle is money. NkT. Good digger doesn't even know she is a gold digger. I guess it is true what they say, you think you know what you love, but the truth is you are biased, the best person to ask what you love, are your friends and lovers. Those that are as close to you as your underwear.--for those who wear one everyday.

I felt horrible.

As I was walking back to class. I saw some other girl. Seated exactly where the previous one had sat. She was fly. If I kept on thinking about the past, I will not move on. So I walked up to her.

"hi"

"hi..."

"can I seat next to you?"

Friday 20 April 2012

Short and simple.


If he believes he is better than you, and trust me people rate people like that, if he believes he is better than you. Be mean to him, treat him like trash, and he will get mad but latter he will start to think. If she treats him like trash, it could only mean that she can get another one like him. He will think that and start to believe maybe he is not better than she is.

You wanted short and simple. There, happy now? Guess what, I don't feel good about short and simple. What the fuck do I do for the next thirty minutes which I would have spent writing this?

You won. I lost.

If we are all in love,then we are all fucked.



Let me simplify everything for everyone. Love is shit. And everyone that believes in it is simply fucked.

Now I elaborate.

You love someone right, it's not a matter of if they will fuck up. It's a matter of when they will fuck up. And when they fuck up, you get fucked. Believe me, no one is perfect.

But getting fucked is not that complicated. That's the thing, something so little like this girl I know who wants to settle down. Everything is okay, but the guy wants a kid the chic doesn't. Something to do with the blood group and what not. Cut long story short, guy left girl. Girl is hitting on me.

Eight year relationship. The moment the guy steps. Hey Bobby. What are you up to, at 2am, I know what that means. Think about it that could be your girl. You know she is crying, but in whose arms? And you would never know, cause I don't kiss and tell. She will suck my dic, and kiss you lips. Ask me where love is again? In the toilet. NkT!

You are in love right? I laugh at you. It's always an anticipation, am in love with you until you break the simplest of promises. When you do am throwing your clothes out of the window plus your bags.

She is breaking your t.v screen and any other breakable in the house.

And that moment will come, cause we all break promises sometimes. Only difference is that when you are young and in love, you suck up. You break a promise and you beg for forgiveness. But as time goes, arrogance sets in. I did that, so...I really don't care.

The only thing that holds water is sex. Sex never disappoints (to those who use rubber). Between sex and love?

Sex is simple, girl likes boy, girl has sex with boy. Boy thinks girls hair stinks, boy never has sex with that girl again. They become text buddies.

Sex is simple. One girl disappoints boy. Boy gets another girl for the night. Girl prepares breakfast, boy feels like buying girls shoes all the time.

Bring in love. Complicate everything. Girl wants to go out. Girl tells boy friend. Boyfriend says yes, like he doesn't know what clubbing and the nightlife is about. But boy says yes, then boy dies in his bed alive.

You think love is about someone to hold, any girl will hold you when you having sex. At least they are more assuring. They never fail to show up, cause if they don't you simply replace. But when you have all love in your space, if she is not available that day, you hold yourself.

If your life starts getting fucked up, things don't go your way, guess what, at some point everyone but your blood will leave you. It is upon yourself to get yourself up, not upon the one you love.

Cause the one you love loves you cause you are beautiful, and he tells you this, wait till you use the wrong cream on your face then it's all fucked up. Show me who is going to hold your hand.

Love? Sex? ---your choice.

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Who will win the election?



The highest office in Kenya is a sure path to turn your blood and the blood of your bloodline blue. The daughter of your child will remember that once someone in her lineage was blueblood. Royalty.

I particularly have nothing against self advancement, I advocate for it especially in instances where the self advancement also is good for the public.
You put the publics interest first, and disregard yours. That's what they say, but I believe you can out the publics interest first and yours too. It's just that people fail to think in my opinion. I could be wrong, but I at least believe in better things than they do, I dont believe in tribalism.

I think it's all about how people are brought up, what they think, what there convictions that should be important. If you truly believe that being a thief is more beneficial than being an entrepreneur then you can be sure you will become a thief when opportunity strikes you, or disaster does and you have nothing to eat. That said, if you believe that the only way you can get votes is by aligning people in tribal groups, as much as you advocate for good, when the circumstances arise, the opinion polls are not by your side...

"Mzee, if you want to win this, just speak in vernacular."

"Mzee, no one cares about ideals, that's the way it is..."

"you have already spent too much on this..."

"you can't loose..."

And if a person is not of conviction. If a person is not brave or intelligent enough to believe that the ideas we have are only correct until someone brings evidence that gravity isn't a phenomenal that applies everywhere, you can be on the moon where things don't fall, then we are screwed. If a man believes or shows signs of believing that everyone will always sink down rationality for tribalism they are wrong.

If there will be one that will be true from the beginning to the end. An aspirant that will convince everyone that hey, you guys are all fucked, you are all in debt, you are paying too much for fuel, it is very hard to get a rise, looking for a job is hard, you aren't getting enough vacation time, the hospitals are discriminative, the police persons are harassing you, and I am here, I have a plan to change all this, and you can ask me questions, I have a think tank of people working with me, and if you gave me your votes, we will solve all this. You don't believe me, check out my manifesto, you dint believe it, check out the detail plans, in one year, these are the decisions I will make about the accountability of the police service, at the end of my fourth month in power this is how I will ensure you have a job no matter your county, I have plans for each one of you. Vote for me.

If his message is convincing enough, to touch your heart, to touch the heart of the person living in a cartoon box, you can be sure that person will make president, but you see problem is, the people with the right ideas lack presentation, you can be the best but no one will ever know if you don't present well. Everyone will rush to the other option of the one with bad interests and good presentation.

This is the 21st century. People know what they want, give people what they want, or present yourself in a way they will realize you know what they want. The moment I promise to change your circumstances for better, the moment anyone realizes that you will benefit them, you have their hearts.

Think about it, we live in a materialistic society, we find happiness in consumerism (which I don't advocate for), we want comfort, we want prosperity, let your goal be known. Let this be what people see when they see you, let them not make a difference between you and this ideals. And I promise you, you will run a campaign like no other. YES WE CAN did it.

When times are hard, tribalism is noise, and no one wants to hear your noise when someone is telling me how I am destined for a great life, if they vote for them.


Someone should stand up for the challenge, aren't Kenyans waiting.

*share this with someone who is up for the challenge, they have my vote. Do they have yours...

Let's change Kenya,,,

Monday 16 April 2012

Paranoid.

When one is shaken up nothing really matters. 

There was the Tsunami prediction. I have heard of predictions before. It can't be very well calculated. So sleepless nights have been the order of the day, a little noise outside and at my window staring out. Deciding how I will keep myself safe.

I even asked my friends what they would do if there was a catastrophe such as that. I wanted to see who has the wittiest answer of them all. I would run to the kitchen get some food plus water, cause I hear people get trapped in blocks of fallen building for days.

You can believe the terror I have writing this, my hands shake, my superstitious are high. Family fm is on, cause that's where I have comfort. Cause they keep singing verses of the Bible in songs. I trust God, Jesus, man can gain the world but it's all worthless if he loses his soul.

So you have a chopper over the roof top, you have gained the world. You haven't been an angel. You haven't helped anyone, you haven't had a relationship with God, cause that's what He wants.

Then the earth shakes, windows start breaking, people run to the car parks to shield themselves, but you know no one really can no what happens no matter how bright you are. 

I can't know what happen, no matter how well I think about it, cause the worlds knowledge is good but to Heaven it's foolishness. School, capitalism, cars are important but this relationship is important and being good is cooler than being bad.

So, I am all scared about this Tsunami, so scared that it shook everything in my life but the most important things stood firm, Heaven and family, friends and what not, being good etc

And instead of just concentrating on how well I can handle disaster. I choose to trust God, cause when the earth shakes, water swipes away everything, no matter where you run, the windows will follow you, the stones will fall on you, even at the car park. Do the best you can and hope for the best. Just hope.

Now to call home, my folks, ask them what they will do if that happens God forbid, but I guess if I talk to them theough the whole process, God forbid they will panic less and know what's important if it happened God forbid. Run the best way they can, when I ran and I can't hide, I know whose name to call. Jesus. And hope He answers, I know He will cause I consider Him and my family's His people...

iQuit


I caught up with destiny. She is a brilliant woman, one of absolutely strong principles. You can't just seduce her like you can everyone else. But I managed to bend her over.

I wanted Destiny to seat with me in the future going through the love letters I wrote to her. And I made sure I didn't screw up by uttering such words as I LoVe YoU. Cause though many people believe in love at first sight, and those who don't walk a second time, when you tell one you love them on the first day. They walk away. So, I played my cards right with destiny.

I know what my destiny is. I defined it myself over time, I know the path my life will take, sometimes I might change the path, sometimes I might realize that some things are more important than others, and I will include them in my destiny.

You can be sure, I will not chase after cheques like everyone does, cause money is a bitch you can't have enough of. You get her, you turn your house into a palace, you trade in your iron gate for a gold one, and even after that you want more. Oh, I will make a chunk, and she that will be my wife shall enjoy herself, and my great grand children will remember my name plus my moms. No squandering, irresponsibility is cool on television, but in real life. It's just a fuckery you don't want to be in.

I will not let anyone hold a gun over my cheque threatening if I don't drop this she is never writing me another cheque. I will drop her like I would drop hot coal.

Cause I live today like there is no tomorrow, but every move I make is calculated. If you want to interfere with my plans show me better, don't show me a cheque, show me what can make my heart happy, show me something with substance that my mind will appreciate. Show me something that benefits me, impress me. I win wars, and when I fight in a battle I have the war in mind.

I believe am destined for greatness as much as you believe you are a gift to mankind. I believe I am destined for happiness no matter what like you believe everyone is lucky to know you. And if you don't believe that you better look into the mirror each morning and tell yourself nice things. What if they aren't real? Trust me you will believe they are real if you look into the mirror and tell yourself those things. Besides, it will make you happier, life is short. If you can't find happiness, create it. If you believe in something, it will be. I know you have always known that.

But there is something that am doing that keeps pulling me down. It's an addiction. It is a drug, late at night when no one is watching I get under my bed, pull out that needle. Rush to the corner of the room. I seat there for about two hours deciding whether or not to. And I spend maybe four hours high. So probably six hours of my day down the drain like that.

I disgust myself, cause it kills me. I feel more empty every time I get back to earth from that high. I have a shower but my disgrace doesn't shake off my body. At first it was fun, a one time thing. I started small. Now am hardcore. But no one knows. All you see is creativity right? Where is the root of it? I do this in seconds my friend. But if I do this longer, I might get caught. Spend my life in prison, cause it is illegal in Kenya isn't it, not many people know.

So how do I break my addiction. I accept right. I have been believing I can stop, truth be told. I have tried. But this is not happening. I know am destined for greatness, but am about to literally lose my mind, all my nerves, my senses for what? For a quick unhealthy high. It's not freaking healthy.

But today I quit. I have been wanting to quit for a year now. Servicing this addiction is time consuming, brain damaging, nerve wrecking, impossible. No.

But I quit now, today I close the chapter. Every time I feel like engaging again, I will do something else. Something that keeps me busy. I will not think about it, cause when you think about something, you lose, when you listen to another's argument, you get convinced, I choose to walk away, I choose not to fight temptation. No one can fight temptation honey. That's why temptation is as temptation is. You only flee from it.

I am not about to fuck my life over small pleasures. Life is short. Life is sweet, life has many pleasure. And I consider my mind plus my heart to be too witty to be emotionally manipulated by some stupid movies into believing that what they claim to be the sweet pleasures in life is universal. I will not follow the slavery my heart is subjected to. I will live my life.

Wake up Bobby, live your life, party today, plan tomorrow. Fulfill your destiny. 

Breaking the chain of my addiction.

I quit, 

The End. 

Sunday 15 April 2012

Be Brave.



I was seated at a table furthest at the corner at Mombasa's famous night club, Bella Vista. If you have been there you would know how loud their speakers can be.

Can you imagine the music gave me a stomach ache? Yes, the music was great don't get me wrong but I was seated next to the loud speakers which literally made me feel all my inside parts hanging and shaking like a tea bag does in hot water. I guess my stomach shook so much from the loud boom boom music that it made a cocktail of the food in my stomach. I was glad when it was 3am.

"dude, have a good journey man..."

"cool man,"

"remember to wear a Jimmy hat."

"say hi to your chic man."

"easy..."

The cab guy pulled the co-drivers door open. I sat on the back left instead. The next time I woke up we were at the airport. 

I was a little tipsy considering thirty minutes ago I was at a night club. So, having to remove my shoes, my belt, my wallet, my watch two times passing through the metal detector thingies felt like trying to run in water.

All glass everywhere, I saw her walk in. She looked like an angel who owned everything. Her head was raised so that she was able to look down at everything, especially the attendants. Her pace was slow, her heels were awfully noisy, she is the kind of girl that makes an entrance. Everyone at the waiting bay noticed her for a minute their was something wrong with all our eyes...they were stuck on her and couldn't move!

When she sat down, all eyes still following her, she undid her hair, she threw her head forward so that all her hair was in her face. Then she threw it back and massaged it back. I felt something in my trousers. Am sure I wasn't the only one.

To cream it all up, she pulled a second chair nosily next to her. Was she really going to put her legs on it?  

She did. Are you kidding me? How sexy is that? She was relaxed. It's not like she was the prettiest woman there, come on, this is not a club, this is the airport. Almost everyone is super hot and their confidence is over the roof top like penthouse parties. She wasn't pretty as such, but her dress was obscenely short yet appropriate, it had flare, like the little school girl dresses with lines that stretch when one moves. She commanded attention. And the fact that she seemed innocent to the entrance she made, she easily was the sexiest girl there. No, look at all the men, and the women, who wasn't trying not to stare at her? 

We walked into the plane. I hate the social stratification of business premium class especially when am on economy. It rubs in like salt on an old wound. Good thing she was also getting on the plane from the back door with me. I wondered whether we would seat next to each other? I would let her seat at the window if she asked. I definitely would.

But what I didn't know was that it was an image she was portraying. Underneath her fabulous facade she was the kind that hid behind chat rooms such as Mig33. She was the kind of girl too frightened to engage in real life. She hid in dating sites. Then she moved on to Facebook as she got a little older. Come on, who wants to say they found love on a chatting site? Her username sweetbutcheeks? How did you and your girl meet? You don't ever  want to admit it was over a dating site? Come on that shit is embarrassing. No, be real it is, no one is looking at you reading this, admit it. But its alright, you are far from being alone. You are always seated uneasy when people ask you how you met, right? But it was how she lived. She got frustrated. She met creeps, and she was still going to meet creeps. Online shit.

I really hate it when the hot air hostesses finally ask for what you want served cause I never hear what they say. Is it me or is it that they murmur? or is their little twang too much for my ears?

And people always look at you like a creep when you are like 'Pardon'.  Talk like a Kenyan, or if you choose to indulge in an accent, do a Uhuru-Kenyatta one, it's clear. The other passengers seated behind you are never friendly when you start taking your time to order right. Its like they dint have food at home. So, I did what any ordinary person would do, I pretended I got the options she 'whispered' to me.

I threw my eyes to the trolley, I saw a Delmonte Orange that I totally hate. 

"I will have a Delmonte Orange please."

She gave me the cashew nuts. And I tried to wash them down with the disgusting juice.

I couldn't see her. But I knew she was seated in front of me. So we would definitely meet as we walked out when we landed. Unless she decided to use the window out of the plane.

I really have grown, a while ago if you asked me whether I would buy a car or a house I would be quick to tell you a car. A Mercedes Benz s600 or ML 2011 model. Not those other ones people buy at the port with a registration number date that doesn't match with the year model. If you asked me whether I would pick ten pairs of shoes from City Mall or buy a set of ruby cufflinks I would pick the shoes, cause women see shoes first. If you asked me to pick an iPhone or a golden watch I would pick the iPhone. But I have learnt from my mom. The apple doesn't fall very far from tree. It sometimes wonders away but if always comes back to the tree.

I flipped through the magazines which people steal from planes. I found myself appreciating the houses more than I appreciate the cars. Cause mercedes benzs are for showy people these days. You walk through the streets in Kenya and you see a lot of rich people. But not wealthy. Ten years down the line, a car is almost valueless, remember ten years ago what car was the epitome of cars? How much is it worth now? What about houses? Build KICC rather than buy Bentleys. Why? Cause wealth is stored in things of value. Shopping at Sir Henrys is trying to buy status, cause where is the value? Owning a gold watch which the bank can recognize as wealth is how to be wealthy and not rich. And I remember I saw land in Lamu going for 400million probably a year ago. A year later Lamu is on t.v, the biggest port in Africa? It is going to serve 4 countries landlocked? With an electric train planned as per Vision 2030. And now I understand good taste, good taste is value. When the currency is weak, you buy the Monalisa, cause the Monalisa is a piece of Art that is going to always raise in value. If you keep it and pass it to your granddaughter, hope she will not be engrossed into the culture of consumerism and showiness. So that all she is rich but not wealthy. I admired tanzanite, and thought maybe what I should do is get some pure golden cufflinks. Value. Store wealth like that. 

I am one to shout religious words in my head every time the plane lands. Hope we land safe. Hope we land safe. Should i pull this brown bag and throw up in it? Should i? Should i? Stay under control we are going to land safe. We are going to land safe. We landed safe.

"someone is coming to pick you up?"

"are you calling someone to pick you up?"

"taxi?"

"taxi?"

"taxi?"

Oh they never give you a break. She was standing next to me, the hot girl. It was cold she was now in a sweater. She carried a smaller bag than I was. I feel envious when I see people travel light. I wish I one day am able to travel light. Without golf clubs, without extra bags. I always look like am moving. My friends always remember to make fun of me about this.

When a stranger stands thirty centimeters next to you it is invading personal space. She stood that close to me. Then knocked my bag down.

"sorry,"
 
I said then picked it up. 

She knocked down my bag again.

"sorry."

Then I picked it up again.

She knocked it down more violently.

I was thinking. What the hell?

I picked it up again.

She hit me with her bag. The police officers across the road with the dogs the size of calfs, that not only made one feel like peeing in their pants but also made one feel like they were carrying grass even one has never carried it, we staring at me.

I could see both the police men in their coats in the cold morning giggling laugher staring at me. I bet you if I was the one knocking her bags they wouldn't be laughing, i wouldn't be laughing, they would be in my space like glue on paper.

"heyyyyyyyy?"

She knocked me again and pretended to be very busy on the phone asking when the person picking her would arrive.

"what ups chic? Come on."

I moved away, she followed me. She did it again, I looked around to see whether people saw this injustice, but no one around seemed to care.

"I am not giving you my number"

"huh?"

" I AM NOT giving you my Number!"

"but I don't even want it, come on, stop shouting,"

"do you want to take my number?"

"noooo. I haven't even asked for it!" 

"okay then. I AM NOT giving you my Number!"

"I am not giving you My Number!"

"okay, just give it to me if it will make you shut up."

"zero seven, two seven..."

When I clicked save. 

"what's your name, excuse..."  She had left. She was no where to be seen.

I hate being the last one waiting to be picked up. Everyone had left. It is as if you aren't loved when you are made to wait. The cab guys make sure you realize this.

"taxi? Those people aren't coming?"

"let me just take you to town."

"...if I need a taxi I will ask you for one."

I could stand there for three days, cause that girl and her drama had left my blood running. I guess she had gotten tired of the whole idea of online this, online that, I bet in her mind she wished she would bold enough to find love in a more romantic place which is usually anywhere, a petrol station, the restrooms, in the bar, at the beach anywhere but never online.

I guess, she had put so much time, gotten so frustrated but her pride wouldn't let her let lose, be brave until that day at the airport. Even before that she knew what she wanted. She knew she wanted to be brave, she dreamed that. 

I guess that day she got so frustrated doing things the same way, she decided, hey, am at the airport, no one knows me here, I don't have a reputation here, so their is no way I can taint my reputation. I have nothing to lose. How about I just get lose, and make sure this guy asks me for my number....

I learn from her. It's always good to let us want things that we know we aren't brave enough to get, but we just want them, cause sometimes we might get so frustrated, and at that moment of frustration, rather than throw ourselves over the balcony, we will use that negative energy to do something as suicidal as shout out loud at the airport. Which ends up giving us more life than we ever had.

Saturday 14 April 2012

Next?





It's not an accident you are here, at this time in your life you were meant to be here. And at this very time I am required to tell you something about yourself. Yes you. Every time something bad happens to you you are meant to forget about it. But instead of doing that you keep playing the same horrifying event in your mind. It makes you sad. How much more of that can you take?

What makes you happy instead? Every time you play events in your life that you loved. So that they are on replay for a whole day, at the end of that day you end up happier. Why? Cause you don't have a photographic memory. If you had one you would remember all the pain like it was yesterday. Do you think you would survive? You might cry all the life out of you.

So, instead of a photographic memory what were you given? The power to decide what sticks in your mind. How do you decide what sticks in your mind? Repetition? Ever heard of revising notes make a good student. Same for your emotional health, if you revise, repeat or replay the things that make you happy in your mind continuously, you will become a happy person. And just like notes you don't revise you forget, painful experiences you don't replay in your mind you forget.

Told you you weren't here by accident. I know sometime all you want to do is quit. I understand how it feels to have to wait for so long only to find that the person you were waiting on doesn't get you. You cant work with them. You spend so much time looking for someone to fit what you want but after you have invested your all in them you find out they fall short, they aren't what you wanted. And it becomes a chain of occurrences. Here you are again, going through the same cycle.

Why can't you just open your eyes baby. Baby, am talking to you. Stop and think. Yes. Am talking to you. This paragraph is on it's own so that you see the seriousness of my saying am talking to you.

Why can't you open your eyes baby, you hate Monday mornings but you don't realize I am the solution. You hate cold nights and you can't see that am the solution. You want someone to respect you enough to not drag your name in the mud yet you don't see that it is me you are looking for. Every time you make the same mistake, you look out there instead of looking at me, and every single time I watch you come out of it worse than you went in. 

Now look at what he did to you, you say you don't care what people think of you, but by the fact you say you don't care what people think of you is evidence you have thought about what people think of you. If you truly didn't care then you wouldn't mention that you didn't really care.

You do care that when the people who got to know what you were up to still hug you but their smiles are fake. They smile so that their mouth is shaped like a 'u' for a second but for that microsecond it turns into a 'n'. You never notice but your heart feels it. And slowly people start to alienate you or you them. It's natural to leave fake smiles.

But how could you have known you were making a bad decision? How could you? You needed something. At the heat of the moment opportunity raised, and you thought hey let me treat myself a little. You treated yourself to an illusion, someone you didn't know.

And now am here, asking you? Why don't you be wise for once about how you do your things? You are a girl, by now you must understand as much as we are equal your standards are higher than guys. You must know how to do your things. You can't do them like a guy, men that do their things like girls are looked down upon. They lose. 

It's never too late to turn tables, I understand things are about to get really messed up, cause with who you are right now you can see him taking your name down to bring his up. I wouldn't do that to you. I know songs play late at night as you play with your phone with frustrating hope. I know everyone who wants a chance is everyone who you don't want to give a chance. And you can't bluntly ask cause when a hint is rejected we have this illusion that it hurts less cause that other person doesn't know you were hinting. But it's as good as a bold move anyways, but why make things hard. It's easier to hint.

I wish we would be together baby, cause you know with me we enjoy ourselves more than we fight. If we were to let things just be, probably, we would fight more than anything else. But we understand love cause ours is real. When you are in love you find yourself enjoying the other person more than anything else.

And when you are at a bad place it is because you fail to ignore the non-issues. As in, when she leaves a tea bag on the fridge, instead of you just picking it up and throwing it in the dustbin so that you can head to bang bang bang.

You decide to make it an issue. You start talking about it, till you fight. And you have no room for anything else. How do you expect you will go on fighting and doing nothing else? Didn't I tell you at the beginning of this that it is very natural to repeat a good experience rather than a bad one? do you want to build issues or other things? You know everything you talk about becomes an issue? Do you really have to mention it?

And when you like someone, you laugh more than you cry with them the one time you fuck up it's okay. Cause it is natural for us to defend those we like than those we don't? 

I told you I was the one who is going to satisfy you today. But you rather go look for someone else in the cold leave me here. But you are doing disservice to yourself. I get you. You don't need to teach me you. I get you. It's time you took a proper chance with me baby. 

And I am glad you have. Don't blame yourself for the past, cause you didn't know me in the past. Now you know me, you have me.