This is a part of me. I share it with the world, but I share it first with you. Every post lands in your email.
"it's alright you can post it."
And that's when I publish it. Then throw it around social media for people to eat it.
Before you were here there was a girl who used to receive my posts while they were private emails, and when she said...
"it's alright, you can post it."
That's the only time I posted it. I used to write about her, she loved to read about herself. We weren't in a relationship. We were friends with that benefit.
You came along, and I gave my heart to you. And things started to change. I stopped emailing her. I started you. And just like that I drew away from her, and drew closer to you.
We only have so much space for close relationships. When one becomes less dependent on everyone else, they become dependent on that one person they are with. I depend on you swiri.
I wrote something last night, I really felt strongly about. I know I called you in the middle of the night and asked you to give me your opinion on it. You told me you got to sleep. I had to literally beg you to read.
"baby, be cupcake, be as sweet as those and check it."
"but it's four in the morning."
"baby, please I love you."
"am so sleepy"
"baby please, I love you, please read it"
"tomorrow when you wake up, you will find that I read it"
And it took ten minutes maybe. I even asked you to take a glass of mango juice. I know when you take a glass of sugar at night you get that sugar rush that keeps you eyes opened. You didn't. I know once you did, when we were starting this.
I left everyone else. It's just you and me now. I feel bad cause there are this two things I hoped from you when we got together;
one, is that you would be true to me.
Two, is that you would read my posts regardless.
Swiri I don't like many things, I just want you to support my course even though sometimes it feels like you don't believe in it. That's the best way to tell me you love me. I know one of the best ways to tell you I love you is not going to bed without saying GoodNight. And haven't I adopted to it? Even though I don't understand it.
What I know is that you really love it when I take my time to say goodnight. All I know is that you really love it when I say good night.
Maybe that's why there are vows. I promise you what you want me to promise you. You promise me what you want to promise me. And this is why I want you to promise me...
That when it's late at night, when it's bright in the day, you will take your time to edit what I write, cause the third most deepest part of me coming after my thoughts and feelings, are these words.
I know they might not mean much to you. But here I live hints of the deepest part of me, parts you can't see until you really look. Parts you can't feel unless you really read and think about what am trying to say. I hide the deepest parts of me in the open honey.
And I feel a little disappointed, it's almost as if you are saying No to me when you say.
"baby am sleepy..."
And it's not adding to the fact that you only promise me three days to be with you in two months. What do I do the rest 50+ days am not with you. What the fuck do I do? And I love you? Just three days.
This is where this post would end if it was not you.
But you see with you, I see my end of the story, and I see yours too. I try to put your interest first, the best way I know how.
And putting your interest first is realizing that, maybe asking you to wake up at 4am to read my email is asking to much. Heck I also get mad when I get phone calls at that time.
I put your interest first and realize, maybe I lost my spark, maybe it's cause I don't write to you enough, and you feel like these words are dull.
Maybe I write about other people, and you secretly hate it. Maybe you don't agree with what I say sometimes. It's only human, and maybe that's why sometimes you don't want to read what I write.
Maybe you feel you are the only one who has to take flights to come see me, I never quite take trips like I used to back then we were younger, when our love was new and unstable. Maybe you secretly hate me for that and you don't feel as eager to be nice to me.
But I know deep inside you feel the same way I feel. I know deep inside you love me.
"I don't want to do this any more..."
"am tired"
"you want us to break up"
"i dont want to talk right now"
"what are you going to tell me about waking me up late night? Making me read your work only to find you dozed of before I tell you what I thought of it?"
"nothing"
"nothing?"
"nothing, you're not going to say you are sorry?"
And the line goes dead.
Babe, am a guy. I am a man, I don't like being told what to do. I know you are used to being a boss. But even so, when am wrong, don't talk to me like that. I don't know what's happening to me, the older I get the more I feel like I have a beard & it means something.
But it leaves me feeling like crap, regardless. It leaves you feeling like crap. And it doesn't even take more than half a day for each one of us to re-reach out to each other.
You try to call, like I can see endless missed calls on my phone right now. I don't want to pick up cause I know I will not explain what I feel this well on phone than on paper. You on the other hand, I know you will best tell me how you feel on call that's why you can't stop calling.
But baby, can't you see, we love each other. You can't do anything but call and make up. I can't do anything but write to make up. We are on the same page, we just react different, cause we are different. We are on the same page, we love each other. We want each other. So if it's my ego that is going to get deflated, my sense of pride is going to be dissolve. Then so be it.
Here goes nothing...
"babe, am sorry. Am sorry I woke you up, am sorry I made you read something that might have been boring at 4am."
At the end of the day, it's my love for you that matters. So whether I am wrong, whether you are right. Whether am right you are wrong, all that matters is that. I want you. I need you. I love you. I care for how you feel more than how I feel myself.
Am coming back home swiri, leave your hands wide open. Am coming back there.
