It's not easy being a man. I can see women standing on tables, throwing their hands up in the air, shouting at Bobby! How dare you say that? News flash, I dare say that. And I will put a chair on top of a table you stand on, so that i stand higher than you and repeat it again.
It's Not easy being a man!
And here is how I support what I claim. Women seat down and look pretty, it isn't rocker science seating down and looking beautiful, if you want it that bad, pick up make up, get a hugging-dress, nicer colors, do your hair, learn some flirting body language.
"hi... You look so hot."
Thats a guy who has been thinking of the day he will be brave enough to walk up to you and say wassup. No, he doesn't seat down and attract, he stands up, walks half way to where you are. Then freaks out and walks out of the door, goes beats himself up about how much of a loser he is. Just saying hi. Come on, I will do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow never comes tomorrow. It comes months later, maybe six months later. And that's when he walks up to you and says...
"hi, you look hot."
After six months. He is sweating like a pig, he is nervous as fuck. And you turn. You look at him. You say hi. And you look away. You don't want your friends thinking you know this guy who walks around sweating nervous telling random women they are hot.
"...can I have your number?"
And now that makes you feel, what the fuck! Creep! And so the girls stand up with their other friends and exchange tables. From far at the corner, you hear men laughing, and that guy is going to have to go face his friends. And we are guys, we don't give others tissues when they get dumped. We laugh them, we don't talk facing each other, we talk facing the television. So we will not try to comfort each other. We will laugh at each other, and at some point when one of us notice enyewe that guy has been injured. Those girls walked away from him like he was a disease...
And what will we tell the guy.
"it's easy man..."
"it's easy..."
A tap on the back, finished. Then you go cry in bed alone. Hehe you will never love a girl again. But no, as much as you swear that, we aren't like women, we are driven by sex. Sex rings in our minds like a rich guy rings in a chics mind, no wait, more. Imagine we don't have to think to get a bonner. You see a hot girl, tight skirt, bouncing behind, and all systems erect, even when you not thinking about it. So half of the time, any guy who likes you comes to talk to you, know he will want sex sometime. Simple. If he is attracted to you. It will work sometimes, but most times it will not. Then when he doesn't he will understand that all he needed to do was start a neutral conversation. Like...
"hey stranger, does this shirt make me look gay?"
"hey, girl, I want to buy perfume for a girl any suggestions..."
Then he will watch women literally jump of the seat to give him advice, cause thats what women are helpless to, giving advice. And if he knows how to turn the conversation from that to flirting, he will pick all those telephone numbers. Then he will dog on all those women, like he just discovered women! A monster!
But before that, it was... "I've come here to have fun with my girls, stop bugging me."
It's not that easy being a guys, not that easy, cause it takes a couple of years to understand that women are different, and they don't get that you just see someone and you have decided, I will go say hi to her, then I will get her number, then we will have sex.
They are complicated, but then they think they aren't. They want to get to know the person, they want to feel safe, even strangers need to be friendly strangers. But guys, hmmm I don't think that ever crosses their mind.
So anyways, there was this girl. We used to hang out kitambo pamoja lots, back in the day. We had fun, we had fun on the back seat, we had fun in the bedroom, we had fun on the car bonnet, we had fun lots of places. We almost became a thing cause a fling usually leads to serious thing when it's stays too long. But we didn't, I broke it off.
Then I fell in love with someone else, and I become a thing with someone else. But people who jazz your life don't just fade away, you call them, I called her. I called her to hook up.
So I packed outside her school like I always do, and obviously she makes sure every damn person at the school entrance notices that she is the one who is getting picked up in that car.
She walks slowly, she hits her high heels harder on the floor, she swings her hand bag, she drops stuff, she comes to the drivers side, she opens my door, she bends and hugs me.
In my mind am thinking, come on, am picking you, c we are going, why can't you use the damn co-drivers door for once, you seat down, we hug in the car. Why do you cause a scene? But I let her. It makes her happy.
So she walks round the car again, she opened the rare door, she puts her hand bag there, she then finally opens the co-drivers seat. We drive off. As if that's enough, she keeps opening her window completely. Wewe, they are tinted for a reason! I don't want people to see both of us in the car, I like privacy! But I let is slide...
Cause men, that girl. She is just fun to be around, she f inflates your ego like sh. As in the way she looks at me, it makes me feel like I have bigger balls than everyone else. And when you feel you have bigger balls than everyone else, you will act like you have bigger balls than everyone else, and if it barks like a duck, walks like a duck, looks like a duck, probably it's a boss.
But then that's not even it, you know head, yes, getting head. You just lie there and she does her thing. The thing about head is that when someone gives you head, it's almost a selfless act, it's her saying, I will give you all the pleasure you want and not want anything in return.
"what should I get him? A wallet? A belt?"
No, that's what you get him. Head. Why I think it's selfless, and it's so nice, cause its the only time when you will just be lying there, and have an orgasm. And orgasm with no work. Relaxed! Woi!
"you remember those days, you used to love it Bobby..."
Oh yes, I did.
"where are we going?"
"we going to court..."
"why?"
"just to hang out, you don't want to keep me company?"
She looked at me, she laughed sarcastically. And it made me feel bad, she had never made me feel like that. I just crushed. But she was accompanying me, so I let it slide. We sat there for thirty minutes, she logged onto twira with my phone. And she twitted the whole time.
She only raise her eyes when she heard one of the witnesses talk about fake money, treated money that was used by Kenya Anti-Corruption Commission to trap some government official taking a bribe.
"they used a hidden cassette player and a mic to record the conversation..."
She whispered into my ears.
"shhh yes."
"wow, kumbe Kenya is not that backward."
On our way back.
"we pass by Nakumatt, I want chocolate..."
"No, we can't get chocolate today dear."
"Bobby, I want chocolate!"
"no... We can't get them now dear."
"okay, stop at Nakumatt I want to get Panadols."
That's what she said.
"you have a head ache?"
I took my eyes off the road to look at her for a second. She was lying. I think she figured if it was a head ache I would have to stop and get her some Panadol, then chocolate, yes and it's never chocolate. It's always like a gift box, sijui a designer water bottle, and any other sh she can find relevant to pick.
I decided I will drop her straight to school.
"so why did we go to court by the way? Jobless Corner?"
Wtf?
"hehe (to hide that awkward comment) I want to learn the system better than any other law student."
And she laughed, oh she laughed. She laughed so much, she laughed mpaka I felt it. So I dropped her back to her school, pretended everything was okay, she did the hand-bag-thing-at-the-backseat, walk-to-the driver-seat-slow show-off-routine. I let her.
And when she was out of the car. I crushed. My heart fell down to my foot, and I drove away the fastest way I could. The girl who made me feel like I was the man, the girl that made me feel like I was worth selfless blows on her knees for hours made me feel stupid.
She made me feel like, hey, yes, you are looking at becoming a great lawyer, but you still in law campus, you not even in f Kenya School of law, you haven't graduated, and here you are trying to put too much effort. Why cant you be like everyone else? What if you miss it all. What if? Then what? All that work you have put? Everyone now knows what you want to do, just fail and watch them laugh at you.
"she laughed"
And the pain I would feel if the whole world laughed at me wouldn't even compare to what she made me feel. So you know what, I decided women want chocolate, men want sex, love probably comes after. So maybe we should be kinder to each other?
No one knows the future, everyone wants something, and it requires commitment, no matter how odd and ridiculous what you want seems, no matter what, everyone will always trace there accomplishments to, perseverance to fight on, patience to disregard the way that girl laughed at me, and hope. Hope is what you see abstractly in your mind, not what you can physically see.
And I have the energy to make it happen. She can laugh all she f wants!
