Or is it life has always been complicated? Is it that as we get older our eyes get opened? We are no longer shielded from what happens around us. Is it going to get worse? The older we get? Or is it going to go back to how it was blissful?
Who feels like they are just surviving, like they are just fighting? Who feels like happiness comes like medicine. You can't take more than one pill a day, it's measured?
I want to kill a part of me. I want to kill the part of me that makes me aware of me. I want to kill the part of me that makes me coil up. I want to kill the part of me that makes me care what people say about me.
I want to kill the part of me that decides that with the years pass by, I will kill eighty percent of the contents of this blog. Pretend I never wrote those words that I felt the most but are not appropriate.
I want to kill the part of me that makes me a coward. That makes me afraid of standing up like a lion and pound my chest. Roar.
But am afraid of killing that part of me, cause to me fear is a warning sign that tells me, you aren't ready. I want to kill that part of me, but am afraid if I kill it, I will have no fear. And fear to me is the warning sign that tells me.
Bobby, you are not the kind to stand before a crowd, you will get nervous, butterflies will fly in your stomach until you wet your pants!
I want to kill the part of me that fears. But if I kill it, I might lose my life, because fear is the warning sign that tells you. You can't drive that fast, you might get an accident. Fear is what keeps me from 240km per hour, fear is what keeps me at 100km per hour.
Fear...
It okay to be afraid I want to believe, cause it is fear that protects us. Fear is what takes us back to the gym, tells us we got to build some mental muscle, some physical muscle to tackle the day before us. Fear can make us prepare.
But am at a point where fear has seized me, rooted my feet to the ground, taken away my joy. I want to break the chains. Am I strong enough?
I want to be unafraid. Cause at the end of the day the people who watch your actions don't add any value to your life. But maybe they do...
Cause there was this girl, she didn't care what anyone thought of her, and she carried a bad reputation as close to her as her shadow. No one wanted to be seen with her, people just wanted to be with her when it was at night, when her shadow wasn't with her, her bad repuatation wasn't with her. At dark night when no one sees that you are associated with her.
See, I am afraid of that too. I bet you are too. Imagine if people fled you like a disease. I know you don't care about people say but imagine if people fled you like a disease. And ones reputation is like the ghost of you that goes before you, defends you when you not around.
When you aren't around a crowd of people discussing you. It's your reputation that defends you.
And that's the thing I want to kill, the things I want to do will kill my repuatation I promise. It will drag it into the mad. And I do care about my repuatation a little bit. But am not having fun. I don't know the value of my reputation for now. Is it opening for me doors? If I knew, I would know what extent I would go protecting it. But I don't know what extent I will go protecting it cause I don't know what it is doing for me.
I think the question I should ask myself is is what I am ruining my reputation for worth it? The question is, am I ready to lose my reputation for what I want?
Or should I do what I want to do but hide it. Keep my reputation intact?
When did life get this complicated. They say ignorance is bliss. I see why they say that now. I see children. They scream when they want to, they run in meetings, they play, they do whatever they want oblivious of everyone else. They go to the ones they like they run away from the ones they don't like.
But when we get older, we settle. We settle for everything cause we understand something's are impossible, but is anything ever impossible.
I am going to take steps, kill my pride, I might reduce myself to nothing in my quest for what I want. And I hope I will find something great, and it will be worth the reputation I drive through the mad.
