Its only fair that I to blame the way I am to the experiences I had when I was a kid.
A little about Bob as a kid. I was told before I could crawl up a chair or even seat on it by myself I was terrified of pain. I was terrified of falling. That's what I was told, what I remember was- why the hell were the electric switches put so far up? I wanted to spray them with my water gun. I guess now I know.
I also know that I used to be terrified of sitting in a basin shaped as a bath tub climbing up Milimani and sliding down pretending to be driving. Slippers put the other way around to serve as break pedals. Yeah, like there are break pedals for basins that roll down a hill full of rocks to the foot of the mountain!
I don't think I ever entertained such sport.
I sometimes question why I have to have everything that I want. Why? Somethings I don't need. Is it a self esteem issue? Is it that I feel deserving? Or is it a habit I I have had all my life?
But that's easy to explain. There are theories around it. What I don't understand is walking into my apartment happy. So energetic, just to seat down and all of a sudden become mad. No external factor at work. It's not that I haven't gotten a phone call I was expecting, just out of the blue I become furious.
And I think that's why my DVD player stopped working. I might have slapped it a couple after it refused to play fast enough. Sometimes I feel like am dead, I get into this state I feel like am ruined, I feel purposeless, I feel useless I feel like shit.
I remember when I was a kid, I had those moments, I would walk around to where the workers kept their tools, I would pick them and start throwing them all over the compound. I made a trail with bags of cement, i really loved wasting those. I remember guys from kplc were upgrading the power grid to 3face or something.
I broke those eggs that hang on the power lines. Oh how glad I did that now. I hate kplc, I don't think anyone should buy their shares.
Am sad, my thoughts are disoriented, I feel like jumping out of myself, but I can't do that, I can't escape the way I feel, these are my feelings, they are crap, they are horror, but they are mine, I don't know where they are coming from, this is not creativity this is disaster. It's pain, it's tears that don't fall but linger behind the eyes, a choking cold sensation on the throat that makes me feel like am choking but never quite choking.
It's just sad, swallow some of the water in my mouth to cool it all down, no mood to eat, these are the moments where I screw up. A few years ago I would open that door go buy another DVD player, probably a BlueRay player cause this one isn't working. I would send stupid texts and kill friendships I have built. I would update shit. I would break stuff, I would want to do bad things to myself.
But I dont. I maintain my sanity, I write something, I write until it stops, but it doesn't, it's like these feelings were sent to fuck up my life. That I can build so much then all of a sudden I can screw it all up at a moment of emotional handicap.
I remember I used to be afraid of ghosts and monsters. When I was a kid, in the old house where my loo (potty) was at the other end of the house, I would finish my business then run out like a bullet, I was sure they were coming after me. I still see ghosts and monsters, my description is as good as my imagination. Does it feel real when I describe stuff? It feels as real when I see such. And it's torture. I have to stick it out like a man.
I hate all these to tell you the truth, but I love it, I found a solution to my eruptive emotions. Stick to plan, don't drink, it will spoil you liver, besides I want to live forever, don't call a girl to keep you company, you have a girlfriend, don't update shit or tweet the same, you must hold yourself with the demeanor of a lawyer, dont jump off the balcony, a lot of people will be sad.
Don't think you are alone, they say it's a well known disease on the internet, to feel like everything is sad, to all of a sudden feel like death, to have your mood swings independent of your circumstances, there are people who are up up to 3am every night feeling like they are about to suffocate. Lying to myself.
Who never sleeps? Who plans everything? Who is as ambitious? What am I running from! What am I running towards? Who is afraid of closing their eyes cause they might not wake up?
Yes, happy me, well doing blog, law school, jobs waiting, perfect girl, perfect life, drinks are on me, let's race, lets travel, yes, yes, living the life. Living the fuckin life. NkT! And now it rains outside, and am alone.
