Have you ever been to a place where you had so many people around you but yet you felt the very alone?
"we had fun the last time we were out... Bobby, tonight we party, so I will met you there at 9pm?"
"I guess."
"what do you mean you guess... You're coming! don't dare fail us!"
And there I am. All guys seated around the table. Like knights knowing very well we run the world, anyone of us can pick and take home. In addition, they know the bouncers so we can get in free. If I started a fight, if they started a fight we would be okay.
"Do you want to dance Bobby?"
"stand up and dance Bobby..."
"have some fun Bobby."
"drink up Bobby..."
"why do you take sminoff Bobby? Baileys Bobby? Really?"
And every night I watch them. Boys being boys. Boys that have read magazines and embrace confidence. I watch them move their chairs close to a table with three random dames sitting together. I watch them attempt to make conversation. I watch them getting touchy.
I watch them get rejected.
I stand at the door with my blackberry. The rooms dark. The club is music up. And the mood is loose and friendly.
It's a good night for everyone.
And some girl in a green dress passes by and knocks me. Down stares some two hot dames in a maroon and a black dress brush on me. A sign?
It's a good night dammit.
And I have done this for years. Let's go party, let's go out. That's how to start this semester. Let's do this, let's be young let's party.
Why do I do this every night? Every weekend? Why do I put myself through this? Watch hot women dance and get picked up? Why do I watch people connecting with and networking without me? Say hi to who say hi to him say hi to her, she says hi to all of them but me. We don't know each other?
Exactly the things that make me hold the steering to that Mercedes at the parking lot and drive it home until the exhaust pipe bursts out.
Do we have to work for everything? I feel like sometime all I am doing is acting right, doing things to hold it together. Everything needs my actual input to survive.
And sometimes my phone has 30 texts unanswered cause am too busy trying to keep away the spam on my blogs. Sometimes my phone rings and I put it on silent, don't want to pick the phone seated with friends at some lounge.
The worst part, in me, I feel like for some reason, if i don't text back, if i didn't make an effort to call back, if I didn't wear my watch, if I didn't buy those shoes, if I didn't hug back those who hugged me. They would walk away and I would be alone.
I feel like if i didn't go out with them, one time, they will forgive me, the second time, they would be mad, the sixth time I would be out of their lives. So keep a smile. Hug everyone, drink up, throw your glass up, cause it's a good life right?
Hate the place, but let them pick all the girls, leave you with none, let them show you how confident they are, bold enough to walk up to random people and open their legs. Watch them walk to the dance floor, dance with a number, every time leaving it and holding their phones the lights from their screens conspicuous showing that they are exchanging contacts. Win! Enjoy that, considering I have two left feet and I always remain to watch the handbags, lest I be brave, show up on the dance floor like rock-October festival and watch people sneer at how ridiculous I conduct myself with my two left feet. Oh how I love the night life.
Head home cold and alone. At least I have a girl right?
But aren't I holding the relationship together, with a steady supply of love. What if I run out? Everything I hold together falls apart right. Left alone like a grave.
Drinks are one me, therefore love me. This shirt is worth a smart phone and I hate it, but look up to me cause of that. Here is a text message I sent you describing how beautiful you are, enjoy my charm. My perfume always smells nice so hug me. Wear a sad face even when am happy, the guards at the door to your apartment have to see that in spite of the perfect life you have been living you are sad. Have their sympathy cause if you don't they will report you for the noise you make all night with chics screaming your name, random ones.
"Huyo kijana ana ishi hapa ana make noise sana..."
"ehh Huyo sijui Bobby."
"there is nothing else he does rather than shopping."
"he doesn't know what hardwork is he wakes up late... Always."
"but he always seems so sad, he has a lot of problems."
"probably we should just not report him he seems too stressed"
"sawa, lakini if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't keep up with his behavior"
Yes, there Bobby. Don't snap, don't you dare. Don't dare update that, everyone is watching you now, people now talk about you, smile, say something witty, tell a joke. Wear a happy face, smile, don't be a snob. Let's party.
When everything you hold together, the image you keep, the relationship you have, the relationships you have, the people that listen to you, the hundreds that started looking up to you, don't dare snap. The life you have you created for yourself, the moment you snap it will all come falling down. The demand and everything else is there cause you put work to have that. Snap, get out of control and everything you hold together comes trembling down.
Isn't it every billionaires story, make a million is easy, but once you do that you have to protect it, suddenly you have everything to lose, you have to make sure you dont blow it all up. And you get trapped. Sometimes it is more painful not to cry than to actually cry.
I am never here really for everyone. This words are just my hobby, my way of fun. And I have had my release. Am okay now.
Drink up Bobby, wear that smile, hold everything together, cause everything is working out for you cause you make it work out. When you let go of everything you will fall off from the clouds. Letting go of everything you hold is your fastest one-way-ticket from grace to grass.
