I walk around my eyes noticing everything and everyone. I look at her and I look at her friend. I find a guy talking to a random chic and my urge tells me I should come between them. I need someone.
But I don't, I sit down and watch. I want to approach someone say hi and talk. But my pride will not let me. Screwed up complexity; thinking am better than everyone. But inside I am suffering.
Its annoying. It is saddening but ultimately it is plain right depressing. I live alone. Play golf alone. My books. And I and my blog. No wonder I do work a normal person would take a month to accomplish. But at what price. Truly speaking I am alone, not that I am really alone cause I have so many people around me. I am alone.
I trust strangers more than I do trust those that I know. I wish I would take sometime go to a place where my face is unknown therefore my reputation matters not. And at that place I will wear jeans like everyone else and probably canvas, I will wear a tshirt with jeans combined. Yeah... How wild is that, no polo shirt no blazer, tshirt worn out jeans probably sandals even. And I would seat at a place holding-shop for someone. As in just helping him out as he works, probably a guy by the beach that prepares shisha for people. Double apple or honey like the shisha at Nyali Beach. But not at Nyali Beach cause places like those people don't talk.
And I would be at some place like Pirates. And down to earth people will come to me. Ask me to prepare for them some shisha. And some will be women, and they will be hot in bikinis and short skimpy clothes. Some wet from the water. And there will be no name dropping. There will be no philosophized opinions on how the government should be run, or about the subscribers of the Kenya Concierge magazines and zen garden parties and fashion events.
I walk around this corridors feeling the most alone I have felt. I feel like I felt when I was in class one and in a public sch. I didn't last a term there, my kiswahili was not as great. My Swahili was mixed with kikuyu I think. And most kids didn't talk in English. Sheng was hard. And I played alone. Until no one could take it anymore, and I changed school. It reached a point they didn't care whether I would be influenced to other religions if I joined a private sch.
I played alone. And right now I walk alone. A lot of everything is in the toilet. But things are looking up.
I wish I could talk to someone. Someone I really don't know. Someone I don't need to keep a name with, someone I wouldn't worry about telling my secrets. Strangers keep secrets best. And I think that's what I need.
So I walk in the streets, I walk through the corridors. My eyes meeting everyone's eyes anyone who looks appealing to my eyes. And I almost smile, but I don't cause I feel too proud. I don't want to be seen to want but even worse I do not want to be seen to want anyone. Oh my god. Anyone? Are you kidding?
Any I bet you right if my friends read this post they would think what the hell, but you know, the good thing is that I blocked them out. They would be shocked thinking what they hell. And I would have nothing to say to them.
Cause, they are always with me. And they are the best, we have called car track together, we have gotten each other out of messes, we have done assignments for each other, we have partied together, we have made memories together. We are still together and we laugh together. And I net that's why they would ask, what the hell more do you want Bobby?
But let me tell you who would get most hysterical. My girlfriend. Oh she would get reading this. I promise you. She will tell me it is a good piece cause she knows it is. But there will be tears in her voice. I haven't seen her in weeks but I know how she sounds sad. She will be sad cause she will think she is not enough, but she is, you are. If I chose 50 hottest girls in the world they wouldn't be as what you are combined. You are the girl that I am comfortable with you are what is keeping me going even though I don't know what is causing me this aloneness.
Or maybe I am walking in the streets, through the corridors, desparate for eye contact, open body language, desparate for conversation. Not with me but with a stranger. Maybe that stranger is heaven. But it can't be, cause that relationship I for it sorted. I am required to build a house of water, easily put I am required to so the impossible for the last two or so weeks. And that is why every morning before I get out of bed I say a very heart felt prayer, for invisibility. That relationship is doing good. It could be better I could listen to heaven more, perhaps flip a page or two of the good book, probably watch a little family tv or even better continue listening to spiritual stations as I sleep. I talk he listens, he talks I hope I learn to listen more than talk. It can't be that that is making me feel alone, or is it that?
I don't really know what is wrong with me, and at this rate I think I am going to start acting like a nut case. In the aim of looking at random people I might fall into the wrong hands. And reveal things that will being me tragedy. Have history repeat itself, get caught and held tortured like was before.
My eyes closed for like 4 days, and those kidnappers, my captives watching kidnapping movies as I sit there holding my watch counting the pieces of it straps like a rousart and praying that I get let free. I can't talk to who I want. I can't handle this.
But I guess I have to stick to plan as usual, when times are hard like this, and my heart doesn't want to be still, my plans remain. Go to class. Read some law. Cook some ravioli. Watch some television. Text some friends email a publisher. Talk to my girl friend. Write a blog post. Go play some lawn tennis with my tennis buddies. Anticipate going to Naivasha for horses. Try to keep sane. Try not to talk to anyone you don't know. Buy the askaris at the gate some ham, lettuce and bread. They will enjoy the treat. But don't say hi to them cause they might develop an interest to end my life.
I wish I could have this moment for life. Fuck!
