I feel like I will have to replace the bedsheets we slept on for the three days we were together. Not so much cause we spilled a little cherry, a smudge of designer chocolate cup cakes and other pastries. A spill of delmonte mango juice or soda. I want to change the bedsheets cause they carry you in them.
Your sent, which is very strong on the left side of the bed. The left side of the pillow we shared. I want to change it cause it will be too much to sleep tonight. I have gotten used to the spooning position. I have gotten used to your beautiful face good morning. But even more than that what I have really gotten used to is speaking with closed lips, kissing with closed lips every time we wake up. Both of us very insecure of ourselves until we find the sink and a gaggle of mouth wash.
It's amazing how I forget to put a waste paper bin in my room, have a few wringgler chewing gums, at least for good morning. Sometimes when I have fresh breath chewing gum, I feel tempted to throw it into the champagne bucket that is on the bed after a few chews of fresh breath mints.
The whole point is not to get out of bed when we wake up baby. Baby, isn't that right? The whole point is to just stay in bed watching the sun rise as we cuddle and what not. Once you get out of bed the warm goes, once you head to the sink the dreaminess is wiped out of your face, no one wants to be very awake. Eyes half opened, kissing, pillow talk from 5 to 10 in the morning half sentences with intervals of dozing off, baby why can't we just make sure we have fresh breath tictaks by the bed? So that we don't have to drain the dream with having to walk to the sink?
We make sure there is a bottle of amarula by the bed, is having tic taks that hard? Am sorry you didn't get to taste the amarula, am sure you would have loved it. But you know my friends came over and they are alcohol thirsty people. We party, we won, we had to celebrate and you know about the Mututho law.
They approve of you by the way. They think you are absolutely awesome. They say you changed me, I lived a very wayward life. They say you brought structure in my life, I say you brought fun.
Its been a pleasure to have you, am still unsure whether changing the bedsheets would be a good idea. If I change them I will still remember you, if I don't I will still remember you. If I don't change them everytime at night in my sleep as I toss and turn and I end up on your left side of my bed I am afraid I will start calling out your name, and I might grab the pillow and hug it, and I fill not feel your curves and I will wake up and I will throw the pillow to the edge of the room, in anger. And I might break something and then I will crumble up in my bed remembering you aren't here and I will feel like dying.
But if I change them, it's no excuse, my eyes will still be heavy and even though nothing feels like a good night like very soft fresh bedsheets, the once that are tucked in at the edge of the bed so that it is smooth. And the pillow is left out in the wind during the day so that it doesn't smell like expired hair gel. Even though nothing feels like a good night like very soft fresh bedsheets that feels the best, having fresh bedsheets on the day you leave will feel like I betrayed you, like I didn't want your sweet perfume to choke me to tears in my sleep, so that I can let it all out, so that I can let me miss you, feel the presence of your absence and die in it.
I wish you could see me, and be proud of how sincerely I do love you.
I want you to be proud of me, like you are when I make that perfect golf swing in the house and knock that bottle I aim at with my friends down to the floor broken.
I am proud of you my love, I am really proud of you, am proud of the way you love and the way you will love, you will make the perfect mother, but this is not a passport to you getting ideas.
I am proud of the way you have started getting frustrated at the ways you screw up, cause that only means that you have found direction and focus, in addition to you have started to have even greater expectations for yourself.
Am about to write something, it is still in the kitchen, I want to have fun writing it, its going to have flavour, am not going to blog it, am going to wrap it up, print it out, edit and rewrite it once it is done, send it to a publisher and have it bound, i will send a ngunia of cash to follow it, then hope it will always be out of stock at the book stands, the demand never meeting supply. More demand than supply, I might be busy for the next year or so, and that will be what I will be doing. I would not have been this far if it wasn't for you.
I will not go that far if it is not with your support. In the end baby you know I will always come back to you.
I miss you. Wish you stayed longer!
Sent from my BlackBerry®
