Thursday 3 May 2012

Everything but a Mind at Peace


I am powerless, I hate that feeling to be unable to protect those you want to protect. But everything is possible, getting that power is, but is that how to live, in readiness for war. Revenge is religiously incorrect, reasonably unwise. So am trapped.

Can I really protect the ones I love? The ones the same blood flows in their veins as mine. Can I talk about them to a beautiful outsider who has found herself as close to my heart to? Life is just something else.

Why can't I stop this mind, don't think, don't think, don't question, stop. Why can't I stop it, why can't I rest until I know. Why can't I just switch off the lights and sleep safe, peacefully in my bed.

Why do I have to wake up to bad dreams? How can one just have everything but peace of mind. 

But I got to stick to plan, wake up go to class. So I walk out of the house, and it's absolutely shocking at how I wear a face of happiness when am out in the world. I must have been doing this for years, cause it comes so naturally. I hide tears very well. 

"Why are you sad?"

"assignment..."

"you know it will be easier to create a job rather than find one during our time?"

"what do you mean?"

And I told her to calculate the number of universities that are up and running now as compared to ten years ago. She is shocked. Then I ask her to compare it to the number of business that have come up on Moi Avenue. Simply, the business industry is not growing as fast as the number of professionals the hundreds of universities are pouring out. And they are over a hundred with the branches and shit.

I can see her wipe sweat from her braw, and I can swear she isn't sweating, but you know what that body language is about, she put her cheek in her hand and slants her head.

"woiy, don't get stressed."

"you will do good, I could be wrong"

I try to convince her otherwise even though I think otherwise. Now I hate myself for ruining an innocent girls day.

"I know the job market might not absorb everyone...but it will absorb the best"

But how can you operate when you always looking at your back knowing, someone younger, someone more able is ready to replace you at lower rates? Tell me? And I hate myself for such thoughts.

"so...what do you think?"

She crosses her hands. 

"...not everyone is like you you know."

And I hate it when people say that. I cross my hands. But I continue...

"we have to create jobs, we have to start businesses, we have to produce, we have to be bosses, we have to be innovative...we have to be the ones who create jobs not look for jobs."

"am here cause I want to make money..."

"for what?"

She seems shocked I ask her. She almost wants to jump off the chair. But am serious. I realize she is dumb founded so I help her.

"if i gave you 500 million right now, you would buy a Mercedes Benzs to match your different outfits, move to a house in a good area code with regulated building designs and level of lawns, fences and gates. What else?"

"invest..."

"more money for what?"

I tell her she might even end up more lonely. She doesn't believe me. Aren't you going to come to school in your car. So, you will not be hanging out with your friends as often. 

"no I will keep them..."

What do you talk about with your friends? Your futures? Your ambitions? When you have 500 million would you be talking of the same things? You shop at different place, eat different foods...

She gets mad.

She tells me she will get new friends. I ask her, so you will leave the old friends! How would they feel? How would you feel about how the felt. Where will you get your new friends?

"from my new neighborhood?"

"come on, houses are so distance you could scream you heart out and your neighbor will not here you. Be realist."

You are driving your own car alone, you are eating at the restaurant on the roof top alone, and if you do in fact find new friends to hang out with you shop with at the same places you shop, what happens? What will you do when they start talking about the things they were doing when they were kids? Maasai Mara, hot air balloons and shit. You get into a group that accepts you? Do you fit in?

We in Kenya sweetheart, you will want to buy a nice car, you will not find a good enough shop that stocks one, you will want a castle, you might want to build one cause ready made ones will not be good enough for you. I love Kenya though.

She now gets really mad. 

Yes, you will have better health care, yes, your kids will lead comfortably, yes, you might meet people. Yes, you will help more people.

But what am saying is generally, you will do the same things you do today, that we did a hundred years ago. Eat, fuck, get entertained, shit, dance, talk to friends, arrange ourselves in family and want more and more...

Only difference is that we don't walk now, we fly, we don't use horses to move everywhere we use cars.

"if you had more dear, you would shit in a nicer loo, but still take a dump like everyone else, eat, fuck, play, love, want more and more..."

If you were way below normal standards, then you would be right in subscribing to the illusion that the grass is greener on the other side.

"but I really believe in the vision2030 thing.. It's fun to want better and believe in better..."

"how is that going to help me?"

"...you want to predict the future and place yourself at the right place, look at it."

"really? But you know our politicians..."

And I made a theory that, politicians went into politics years ago to develop. How? Build a dam, repair roads, generally nothing proactive but everything reactive. Development was, administrative centre, church, school, hospital.

What is it turning into now? Economic zone, Turkana spilling out oil like it's a golden mine and a town forming around it, Lamu becoming a port so large almost rendering the ships that go round up to western Africa through south Africa thanks to the plans for an electric train connecting Lamu and Africa. Gold mine! 

If some politician gets bored of the office and benefits and decides to work, she will not fail to find something to do, she will talk about development, and when she talks about it we give her Vision 2030. It's better than nothing, cause before no one could define development.

"...I should marry you, or hang around you more often."

"why?"

"you know so much..."

"you know I could be very wrong!"

I tell her. She hugs me, her friends call her. She leaves. I go back to my apartment. I try to burst my gym ball cause I don't know why I got it anyways. Then in the process I wonder how it would feel to have sex on it.

"you know everyone is not like you..."

I remember her words. She must be comfortable in her bed sleeping. I can't. I simply can't. So I play some classical music cause it makes me think without words to interrupt my thoughts. When I feel ghosts shaking my curtains I switch to a religious channel. That got to scare them off. Will you wait till am gone to tell someone I touched your heart?