Your greatest strength is your greatest weakness. I love words, they are my strength, I throw them around and make those I write about weak, and they through back words at me, and I become weaker. How dare you throw it to my face, I am weak to your complements. Those names you call me in private that if found themselves on this blog the whole blog I will shut down. That, that you use to charm, is what will completely charm you. Just epic how life is.
So don't damn tell me what to write about! What I wrote on these pages has meaning and purpose to me, if I wrote something else then where will the purpose and the meaning be? I should betray what I feel so that I can be like some other writer? And all I see is other writers trying to speak in my voice? How would you feel if I told you you should try to be someone else? Yes please go screw yourself. Is it a reserve for dames to say stuff like..go grow yourself a pair? Yes, no. Okay, go grow yourself a pair, am writing what I want to write. Let the right reader come, like the right girl came. (pun intended very much)
But arrogance is the beginning of everyone's down fall. So, talk, give your opinion, we are in a democracy, listen to all the advice, pick what you want and run with it, but listen. If I picked everything everyone told me, I would lose my heart, which I have been losing over time. Yes it jumped of my chest and just quit, I saw it. I swear. It had two legs and it looked like a heart on cards, not that thing in biology books.
There was a time, remember troubled teenage hood. Oh those were the days, hair was growing at strange places, people were swelling and those swells made you swell, swell ain't it? toys turned into toys of the naughty kind, hide and seek turned into show you mine I show you yours, chamama became more practical and boys started liking it again, where did our balls go? I know, I know, they went slamming back on, back then I had a big heart, I would literally put myself in trouble to save someone undeserving, I would put myself in people's shoes and try to make them more comfortable, when everyone attacked a dying course, I would side with the dying, I would stand with the outcast, the stranded, save them, somehow I was able to still run the show which still puzzles me, even though I spent my time trying to save losers. Birds of a feather flock together.
And there was something extraordinary about it all, when someone called you an angel, knight in shinning armor, I remember that dame I met at some remand centre for kids I was making a donation to, and you know, i heard it so much until I believed it, I looked at people as people, I pained when I imagined that guy selling newspaper had a family, and I tried to make sure his kids went to school. Sometimes I suffered doing this, sometimes I had nothing, sometimes I was sad and angry, but those I was sad and angry at, I still rescued them from whatever it was they were facing, if it was shame, I took it away, I put it on myself, I didn't want anything in return, first cause I flipped the pages of the Good book, and second is cause I got people, I got people's pain.
But life changes, and people change, you always have shoes and bags, and when you start liking them so much, flipping pages of magazines to much, trying to become someone so much, it all becomes about you. And there is no fun in that. There is fun in trying to save a life, and almost losing yours trying to save another. Adventures...stories...
There is deep pleasure in secretly knowing you are the reason the people around you are okay, you watch them laugh, you watch them talk, and the feeling you get inside when you know if it wasn't for you someone would be a mess, is a greater feeling than walking into the shop and buying everything nice for yourself.
I miss those days, when I drove a town away with a boot fall of shoes, clothes, food, foot balls secretly, and I got into gates and donated stuff, and the kids would surround the car, they would say hey to me, and when they gave me the book to sign my name, I ignored it, I didn't want the show, I wanted the smiles, I want that for them, for everyone, and the more reason I had not to act like an angel, the more compelled I felt to be one.
The paths we walk, the books we read, the words we hear, the food we eat, we become, and I have been feeding myself junk, I have been walking the wrong streets, and I have changed into something I don't want to be. I want to go back to being larger than life.
I miss standing for the right things, not in a Lukewarm way, in an extreme way. The extremes are the kind that seize us, in a world were everyone wants to be a bad boy, I want to be a good, like I was, and everything came, I suffered yes, but everything I reached for came my way. The worst thing you can do is not reach out, cause that way you can be sure you will not have...do you want to be sure you will not have? Then my advice to you is do not dare reach out.
Besides, if I can't have, simple, just buy, it's bad manners to talk about money, but mom isn't looking so, the thing about it is that money is like water, imagine putting water in a container, whatever container you put in, it will take the shape of that container. Open your wallet, cause wallets turn everything into whatever you want.
I know travel changes assents, changes customs, changes ideas, changes people, alters relationships, that's why this words are very dear to me, cause when I read this later, I will remember, I am not trying to be a bad boy, cause it's benefits don't last long, am trying to be a good boy, like angels are.
And not just a good boy, cause that's boring, that's ordinary, am trying to be an angel in the extreme, the effects aren't felt in the present like bad boys are. The effects grow like a stable father, see what I mean?
I have three empty flower pots in my balcony, and I bought them cause at the worst place of my life years back when I had better handwriting, I wrote something in my journal, which I call Miss.D...
'...you put seeds in the ground, you can't see anything for a long time, but you water them even when you don't feel like, cause if you don't you might kill something that was meant to bring you beauty, and it will become a routine to hope and to water them, but before you know it, all the hope, all the wishes, all the sweat pays off, and the plant sprouts out up from the ground.'
...if you want to hear the craziest stories, ask anyone who is someone what words made them something. So, babe, when you are here again, leave my house plants alone, I am the only one who will water them, care for them.
I just don't want to be a little good, I want to get back to where I was when I was at my peak which was my lowest, when I was a teenager which defined me, if living at the edge, will be what it will take, to get everyone who is at the edge to a safe place, so be it. And that my friends, will be my charm.
The beginning starts at the end.
