I came to the world in the nineteen eighties, I was so lost in my teen hood, I had identity crisis, sometimes i thought i was a lion, sometimes i thought i was my favorite cartoon character. post teen was okay. But now I am here. I failed before, I won. But I will not win like I will win from now on. Someone toast to that!
We get into this world undefined, a certain path is forced on us. We have to wear a rubber band tie from class one to three. Class four we learn to tie a tie knot. At the same time we realize we can pretend not to know how to tie a knot so that we can get a chance to ask a girl to tie one for us. At class four we are allowed to use fountain pens. Pens with ink, and we are worried sick about what that means. You can't erase when you use a fountain pen... Until we get to use them and realize that by the time you are in class four, you are most of the time sure of what you are writing no need for a pencil & an eraser.
Life happens, we associate, we find friends, we learn to study to do well in school, we realize the better our grades, the better chances of getting a good job. We are just kids but our back packs are packed with books so heavy, what happened to playing?
But it's all good. I had a very confused childhood, while kids went to play football. I watched them more than played. I often wondered what was the point of chasing an air-filled leather bag between two posts. How mindless... Then one day I got into the field, I was playing for the blue team, there was a blue and a red team. I was in the blue that time, at some point I got hold of the ball, I kicked it running across the field heart pumping, excited, very excited, everyone had stopped to watch, I could see them from the corner of my eye. Even the goal keeper was surprised, surprised at what? How good I was, given half the chance I take it? I scored in our goal. I was quietly kicked out of the team.
Someone should have told me that we had a goal to protect & another goal to score to. Come on, not everyone is born in an estate!
I thought a lot. I liked girls alot when I was a child, I gave my teachers rose flowers after break, I was completely innocent and oblivious. I winked at my teachers, especially the English teacher. When I was in class two. She used to melt. Until I learned what winking meant from some idiot girl, that made me stop winking. Ignorance is bliss isn't it.
But in some way it wasn't. I used to look at my hands & wonder what they were for. Yeah, to eat, drink, protect myself when I fell, cause that's something that happened to me often, I would just be walking, then trip on myself. No, don't lie, don't laugh, you also toppled over by yourself when you were kid. Walking was something you had to learn.
As everyone did everything they were asked to do. Read, study, play, jump, change, dress up, shower, I thought. For what? And I needed answers. Why was I here? Why was I on this planet? At some point my mind couldn't even concentrate in class, I couldn't do assignment, back then it was called homework but we finished it in school.
"daktari, are you listening?"
Those days I used to be called that. Put that on my genes. If I had known how it was going to end I would have corrected my teachers and told them.
"teacher, teacher, ni wakili... I want to be a lawyer, not a doctor."
I wasn't listening. Trust me, science, especially that class where we were being taught about how cats turn there ears to face the direction where sound was coming from, I wasn't listening. Who cares how cats hear! I want to know why am here...
I don't regret a thing I did when I was a kid. Except for that time in class six boarding school when I slept during preps and susu-ed. I was stocked wet in piss. Comfortably sitting. I can imagine my classmates watching it drip from my shorts and my chair, me lying on my desk completely asleep not knowing I was killing my standing in society.
But imagine my girlfriend didn't dump me, that's what built myself esteem to arrogance. If I could wet myself in class, no one dumps me, in fact I was called to the staff room by my dorm master and told to...
"daktari, oil your buttocks..."
"pardon sir?"
"who are you sagging your shorts for?"
"what does that have to do with my buttocks I've tucked in..."
"daktari..."
It was a rhetoric senseless comment. Oil your buttocks. But then that was primary school. When the teacher says, the teacher has said, and it is correct.
"you know everyone is now sagging there shorts walking with there hands in your pocket and dragging there shoes..."
I wasn't sagging my shorts, I lost my belt. And to hold my shorts as I walked I pocketed, I swam with my shoes then asked my folks to send me new ones via courier. They didn't know my size. We used to be told, it's okay to buy new shoes bigger than your size cause you will grow. So my shoes were big that's why I dragged my shoes all over the place, no belt, sagged shorts. And the teacher had called me to tell me boys had started mimicking me I should stop influencing them to bad behavior.
"oh you don't know what that did for my ego at that time..."
So somehow I got to the papers as one of the top students in the country. Somehow. I guess the teachers taught really good. And perhaps as much as I was struggling wondering why I am on earth, how to live my life, some science, geography, music and that sh got into my head.
That was then, but now am alive more than ever. I know exactly how to live my life, I know exactly what success means to me. Ask me I know.
"you should lock yourself up and study... Don't go anything else... You need to do well."
That's what they tell me.
But I know what's most important to me, death, yes. Death, I want to have a perfect exit from this world, cause at the speed I drive at sometimes, no matter how many air bags the car has, and the automatic seats that make sure you don't burst your back, I know one day I will die. Then I will go somewhere and stay there for eternity. That's like forever, I could die tomorrow, turning this blog into an instant success. Or I could die at a hundred. But one thing am sure is that I will die some day & people will cry. And where I want to go is heaven. So as I live my life I have eternity in mind, I will leave in style. I promise you. I will live ready to leave, and have fun with it.
The moment I discovered that that's the most important thing in my life, my grades short up. I started living in today, I started living more than thinking, cause I had found my peace.
But not quite, I was still defining my life, and the simple things such as family, friends, love. People came around. Man isn't an island. People are more important than things. I had things, lots of things, but not so many people. Again, I wasn't born in an estate. At some points I had more staff making sure I live comfortably than friends. Those demographics have changed since.
When I got my own apartment, I realized that there are certain things that don't just fall from the sky. I mean food and stuff. There was a time I woke up, I had nothing in the fridge. I was hungry, it was 4am in the morning, or 3am? I had no water, I had wine. It donned on me that, someone went out of there way to make sure I had breakfast ready. And it just doesn't happen!
So, I decided that when I have my own. I will make sure they have something to eat on the table, a backyard to play ball. A driver to drive them to the club for tennis.
When I say I want success, people think I am talking about a big job, big bank accounts. And most times, I dont have time to explain to them, cause they change the topic.
Success to me doesn't mean big job, big bank account. It means healthy relationship with God, family, friends. Obviously big job, but not one that eats up my time with God, family, friends...no not even hobbies. And big job is shallow, I don't want to have a big position. I want to enjoy the work I do, if I am going to get paid doing it, I better get paid for doing something good. And don't tell me running bullets through peoples heads is good. Don't tell me embezzling is good. I want to kill two birds with one stone.
"so, bwana wakili, here are the documents..."
"am your lawyer, just tell me, did you kill that guy?"
"no."
"it's okay, am your lawyer, you are protected by the law if you tell me, attoney-client confidentiality"
"okay, I killed him..."
And I take the papers, the file and throw them to the corner of the room!
"toka hapa, toka hapa saa hii..."
I chase my client out. I call in the secretary. The secretary is really hot. I tell her to take those files out of my sight. I don't defend murders! I have defined success, I know how am living, every action I take is planned. Even this.
