Why is everything so hard? I just want. Why can't I just have? Is that so much to ask. I planned it right. Why can't everything just fall into place? Ever been so disappointed in something everything felt disappointing?
Am at that point when am in my room. The lights went off again, you know, shitty electricity companies. I made a blunder today. I was too much out there, I exposed myself a little too much, and some people just walked away. I am supposed to be okay without, cause now am just a writer, cause I have fans, and no one is supposed to be too attached to their fans. Its like am an object, i can be dumped without a phone call, email or even a text. Its okay though. This is what I wanted, to become an object right? An object of perfection. I make mistakes, wrong decisions, and when I make one, everyone is in your space. When everything is okay it is as quiet as a grave, up to a point you think everything is wrong.
The lights are off, but I know they will turn back on like hope does. I get out of the bubble everyday, the one that gets everything, I am attempting at the real world, and the real world out there is mean. It doesn't always tell you you are on the right path young man. It just let's you find your way yourself, or lose it, no one cares. But maybe if I write some more, I might cut through someone's heart and stay there forever, and they will care, and tell me that oops that's the wrong path, but hope more that most times they will pat my back, kiss my cheek and tell me am their hero.
I want to be someone's hero, that's why am here. But being a hero is empty, making heroes is a more worthy cause. The fastest way you can find peace within yourself is find away to make someone else find peace. Is all this worth it? Why do I always lose my path? I want to build. I came here to build, never to destroy, but it's okay if am destroyed, if my destruction will build someone then it's okay with me. Nothing feels greater than raising a child. Can't wait to raise one, and give it all the love and comfort this world is about. Then make sure it finds eternity, cause good lives find religion, they find Heaven. The religion I subscribe to.
Sometimes I drift off my path so greatly and I get rooted to my bed building my ulcers. The only way to destroy them is building castles in the air. How does everyone else does it I wonder? Am I too detached from everyone to notice that I am the only one that suffers? Or is it that I actually suffer than everyone else? Or is it my sick bipolar mind that makes me ask all this depressing thoughts? I wonder sometimes whether I am being dramatic... Am i too detached from the world? All these problems I have. First world problems, you know, reputation and all, success and stuff, depression and all. While there are other people who are starving out there, they don't have the energy to get depressed, run to work and all.
I am seated here, and maybe I have too much time in my hands. The first job I ever had was telling people to work. Then seating down and sowing what they ripped. Maybe if I was busier searching for my own I wouldn't be too depressed. I love where I am though.
I promised myself once, that with every negative thought I will think two positive, for that's how you develop good attitudes. That's how you find opportunity, being ready for positive, you look at opportunity in the world and when you look you find. I want to see more opportunity but you know how had that is. My mind always wants to analyze the reasons why things aren't happening as I want.
Enough talk, let me preach water and drink it.
Am happy that am here, and even happier I will be further, am happy that I am here. But I remember listening to Lupe's song. One that brought out the fact that he is not yet there. And you know what I got depressed, cause there are some people you look up to (I don't look up to Lupe by the way) and for a moment they state that they think they could be better. And some stop being fans.
I don't want those people that look up to me feel like am not perfect even with my perfect imperfections, but what can I do, I break down a big one. I need hugs, I need love, I need all those things that sound mushy, cause at times I feel drained and hopeless.
I have so many people around me, sometimes I don't get me, cause I try to push them away when am like this. But those that stay I reward.
I know going to Heaven is a good thing. I will end once, I know it scares me stiff, but I like to be prepared. If a good deed was a coin in heaven, I would love to be a billionaire in heaven. That's where we spend eternity! If hell is more painful than what I feel right now, I want a relationship with Heaven. So one good deed a day, one prayer a day, for me and for a random person crossing the street, until I am a billionaire when I die... After I die... Both.
And since we talking of me being dead, I wouldn't hope to find the right words to form a book when am dead. I don't want to turn into a book at my death. I want to turn before my death. I want my funeral to be that of a loved person. I am too embarrassed to define it, cause the worst thing you could do is hope for something in public then it doesn't happen.
Sometimes things are so messed up in my life I can't pretend that I am okay. There are days am on it, as in I feel like I run this world already, and sometimes I actually feel everything in my plans fall into place. You know love, books, even the simple things. But then probably I crush like this when one thing goes wrong and my mind goes all negative attitude on me.
See, I can't even balance two good thought with one bad one yet...
I have convinced myself that I should not be too positive in my thinking, cause there is a place called utopia. Dangerous place my friend. Things might take a bad turn, things I can change and I ignore them cause its negative energy, then no sooner than later I find that if I had just listen to haters, to critics, i would have become better.
But again if I think about them too much, I die. Then you know you think everything you are doing is wrong. So, I thought three thoughts, one negative to keep myself to reality, and two positive to keep me hopeful about the future.
It's time to be positive. I have tasted good things too long to not be able to have them for myself. Let's be real, how can I not explode this little hobby of mine into something big? How? How can I fail now? Is it possible? No.
Okay. It's tiring. I just want to sleep now, or talk to my girlfriend hoping that tomorrow I will wake up with such energy, I will try to make everything right again.
For now, hugs anyone?
