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"Why the bloody hell is my parcel opened?"
When do you talk like that? I bet you right it's not when you are in your faculty administration office.
"why the bloody hell is my parcel unwrapped?"
"a lecturer opened it, we are sorry, he thought it was his"
Dames and Sirs, you be the judge. Here is a parcel, wrapped as a gift, heck it even has the red ribbon on it and my name on it. Not Bobby, my full names on it. And then what? Some lecturer opens it... I was furious. My girlfriend was furious even more, cause she was the one who sent it. But what could I do? I had made such friends with the secretaries at that office. Had I said hi to them less often, I might have had the balls to ask...
"why the bloody hell is my parcel unwrapped?"
I let it slide... Since the last three parcels she sent to me through the office address I got safe and sound. Would you have let it slide? I don't think my girlfriend would... Cause she was almost eating me up on the phone, and not in the good way. I bet you right she would have scratched all their faces off.
As I said dames and sirs, this is the third parcel she sent me. It had Guylian know the chocolate? Yes... And a packet of Out of Africa. Then some other things I can't mention here. And what did I send back? After the three parcels she sent me? Nothing! Nothing Bobby? She has sent you three parcels of goodies and niceness and you haven't sent anything back? You think she will stay? She will leave you dude! I f*** you not she will leave you Bobby!
I had to give a piece of the chocolate to some girl who pretended she wanted to sleep with me them slept with my friend. Yes, the chocolates were in plenty, what can I say gift boxes are like that. I had to show her I found love and rub it in with a little chocolate.
Baby I love you. You not only bring bliss to my future, excite my present, you re-write my past.
I loved to see her look at me and wish bad for me... For me and my baby.
But it will never happen baby, I love you. But Bobby, three parcels, three gifts and you haven't sent her anything back? She is leaving you Bobby, I bet you right she is! Is she?
Instead of walking into Mr.Price at Cinemax, or Limitless Reload on Digo Road or some jewelry shop.. Or Galleria on Moi Avenue. I took a matatu to Nakumatt Nyali past Nyali bridge.
Yes, Bobby, yes... At least you are getting her something. At least Bobby... She would have left you.
Have you ever walked into a car bazaar that sells Range Rovers and Porches? No... Try taking a walk there and see how ignored you will be. You have to be old, yes, or with a big belly for most shop attendants at such to treat you like a customer. No... Don't believe me, please take a walk there. There are places where you visit and you just have to be annoying to be treated well.
"Excuse me... How much is this car going for?"
"Just go... Their is nothing for you here." loudly.
Or they will let the watchman walk you around the place, show you the cars. Really, they will ask the watchman. I dare you dames and sirs, I have been there. You don't like that? No... Okay. Try this...
"Why are your cars so dusty? This place has such awful customer care, I bet that's why you don't sell anything."
Then force the door open even when they stop you and scream you want the keys... Spill some coffee in the car if you have some, and ask the sales person to get Someone to wipe it off. No, don't ask the sales man, ask the sales man to get Someone. Don't apologize. Never. Or do but be loud about it, never timid. Be loud, noisy and sure even when unsure. They will send you the manager. Then talk to the manager like you were age mates... And that's how you drove your first range rover! I will send you the bill.
I walked in, and I demanded to be attended too. I don't have a belly, so my belly can't demand on my behalf. And you thought abs were good? Go with your abs and see where they will take you!
I demanded and demanded, as usual the shop attendant hesitated. I could see him try not to leave his seat to take me around. But I kept on telling him I was in a hurry and I needed to know what was what. So he had to show me around. I looked at him dead in the eye. He had a belly, I didn't have one. He was twice my age, I was half his. He wanted to laugh at my suggestion, but I looked at him dead in the eye. He thought otherwise about laughing and stood up.
Bobby? What is it you are getting your girlfriend?
Nothing. Nothing Bobby? She will leave you Bobby... Three parcels? She will leave you Bobby.
So he took me round. I looked at each bulb holder with him, the lamp shades, the chandlers, the spot lights, balcony lights. In gold, in silver, in bronze, like chrome and colored. He totalled it up, he asked me why I didn't total it up with my phone. I did that eye thing again. Looked at him dead in the eye, showing him how not funny he was. He did the calculations himself. Let's just say all of it had a couple of commas. Bobby? Are you going to send your girlfriend house parts? She sent you chocolates, she sent you Oarkridge shirts and Cufflinks... What do you want her to do? Wear the bulbs you were buying on her ears like earrings? You want her to eat metal? Even vampires don't eat metal Bobby... Bobby, light fixtures? After three well wrapped parcels, with ribbons and all? She will leave you Bobby? And we know you love her... She will leave you!
I had all my light fixtures noted down. They will deliver them, with an electrician. When you spend money like that, they better... They better do the damn calculations themselves too... Am getting my monies worth.
Sometimes you go to the bank, then go to the shop, and immediately you go back to the bank. Sirs and Dames, the day wasn't over yet. After the parcel, then the electric shop, now the bank. No I didn't go rob the bank, first of all even if I was going to rob a bank, I would rob it at night wearing black to match with the night. Think camouflage. I was wearing white pants... It was still day... The sun was such a spot light, so bright I could see the stitches on chics weaves and panty lines. I wasn't going to rob a bank during the day, and more less in white. I might just enter the bank in white and shout "freeze, everyone hands up." no wait that's in the movies... I would get into the bank and scream "everyone lie on the floor or I shoot."
And then everyone will stare at me, with paper bags from Nakumatt, written 'Please recycle' wearing white pants, loafers and a pastel colored polo shirt and they will all laugh. And go on with everything they are doing. They would, yes they would. Am as sure of that as am sure if you like my fan page, you will get updates on my post.
Thieves should terrorize, and what was I doing, I was in light colors looking like an angel... You would laugh to. I bet you right if anything they thought I was there to add a zero to their account balances. Not to rob.
Sirs and damsels, now that we have established, we should not rob a bank during the day, when the sun is like a spot light, so bright you can spot ladies panty lines; that if we want to rob a bank we do it at night, when we are in black and preferably after we have knocked down all our teeth so that even when we smile we can't be seen in the night of the dark, let's move one. But just before... if i may damsels and Sirs... I hate all robber and kidnappers and thieves I wish they lose all their teeth, and no am not taking that back. You shouldn't? No. Okay... I take that back, but am not going to erase it. My key board doesn't have 'back space'. Thats why i am not taking it back (the toothless thief thing) No, really it doesn't. So what if you don't believe me? So what?
I sat at her desk, I didnt seat like the guy who was last there sat. He was a shy guy, and probably he was more concerned about the stock he was buying rather than the stock broker. I was there for the stock broker. She is hot. Bobby? Your girlfriend just sent you three parcels, and what did you go buy? Not a hand bag, not shoes, lighting for your house. And now what are you doing? Seeing a stock broker, not about stocks but cause she is hot. Bobby, your girlfriend will leave you, and I know you love her. You think she will wear those bulbs you bought like they are earrings? As I said my stock broker is so hot Sirs you would look for money to buy shares from her. (no pun intended).
"you college kids have a lot of money these days."
That's what she said as she typed things into her screen.
"can I have your I.D?"
"come on, you don't know me after all this time?"
She laughed. The guy before had not made her laugh. I was doing well. I was doing so well, I lifted my leg folded it and let it lie on my lap. Yes, she saw my shoes. What do you mean she wasn't inpressed. She is a stock broker for goodness sake... she is not some random girl who walks on the street that thinks all leather is polished with kiwi. She is a stock broker, she knows some leather use suede.
Besides, when I placed both my hands at the back of my head relaxed. I bet you right her eyes left the computer screen and looked at me. Yes, chics love bosses, and those that don't have esteem issues. And no, I didn't say all chics who don't date bosses have esteem issues. Some bosses are dushes, and sometimes a loaf of bread is better than nothing. Bobby, you are one of those dushes...
"If you had not asked for my I.d card I would have invited you to my birthday party..."
Yes she laughed. Why, cause when bosses, okay men who seat like bosses crack a joke, you laugh. No... Okay, when a guy wearing suede leather loafers and white pants flirts with you cause he likes your beauty, you laugh at their jokes. She laughed at my jokes. She told me Mumias were a better bet, something... Something... Green energy and sugar... I bought some and left.
So Bobby, you get a parcel from your girlfriend in the morning, with chocolates and cufflinks, instead of going to look for something to buy her, you go get lampshades, as in things to decorate your house? And as if that is enough, you go to your stock broker to buy yourself shares? And now your pockets are completely empty? Your wallet has anorexia... What will she feel three weeks down the line? She sent you boxers of goodies, wait three... And you being the man you are, you eat the chocolates your girlfriend sends you, wear the clothes she buys you, and you don't return a favor? She will leave you Bobby, I promise you that...
A few months before I see my stock broker again. Yes dames and sirs, it's only billionaires that see stock brokers on a daily basis. Do I look like a billionaire, now you are just being mean.
"today I haven't asked you for your I.d, so am I coming for the party?"
And I will smile at her. Cause when a hot stock broker remembers your birthday you smile. Heck you smile even with your eyes and dic.
"change of plans... Am actually selling, am taking my girl somewhere for her birthday."
Opposite the bank is Kenya Airways.
"Baby, let me seat at the window."
"why?"
"why? Why Bobby? you are wearing the shirt I got you..."
"that's not a good reason..."
What can i say, girls get what they want. And the plane will take off. And I will tell her happy birthday. It will be a few hours before we land. And she will slide both my passport and hers in her hand bag. And watch the us leave for the skies.
"by the way baby... How did you get your folks to visit you so often?"
"bulbs!"
She will laugh. She will not ask me to explain so much cause let's be real. She is on a plane, with her boyfriend, sharing a blanket, and watching me die at how beautiful she looks. Why the hell would she want to ask questions? When love is in the air, you don't inquire, you kiss.
Dames and Sirs, I know what am doing, no she will not leave me, she knows I love my folks, she knows my pop's she knows that he has a Berber come to his office, no, he doesn't go get hair cuts, she knows my mom's body language. She might say "lovely place you got here son..." and repeat it so many times for me to notice she doesn't mean it but rather is trying to convince herself it is lovely. And she will make a reservation at the Club. And no, you don't make reservations at the club every three months. There are no billionaires here... Okay. Maybe my girl doesn't know that much about my folks, but I know she knows I love them, and I love to spend time with them, and if walking to Nakumatt and picking golden wall lighting, and warm spot lights, and lampshades what is going to get them to visit me more often, spend more time with me, so be it. Whatever it takes for pops to say...
"honey, why don't we just stay here instead of the club... Besides I have never tasted Bobby's food."
And when they leave. They will want to come back... Why sirs and Dames? Bulbs!
Dames and sirs, I might not do things like everyone does, I might not walk to the shop and send back chocolates bigger than the once I was sent to. I might walk to a hardware shop instead and buy bulbs. I might go to the stock broker afterwards. But in the end I know she will not leave, no my baby will not leave, no matter how many gifts I don't return on time. Cause she believes in me, and she believes in my plans even more than I believe them myself.
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