Tuesday 31 July 2012

Before too late.

What happened to her? What damn happened to her. She used to be the most beautiful girl. What happened? Did she add too much weight? Lose to much weight? What happened to her?

Her genes happened I guess. Her fall came after her pride. I wish I could still not be shy to hold her hand as we walk the streets. I used to, I promise you I did, even after her beauty faded. That's the problem with growing up, you don't know what will grow what will not. If your going to have large ones, if you not. If he is going to grow bald. No one knows.

I tried to walk holding her hand, I actually did. But everyone started looking at me like I could do better than her. They started to wonder why I had choosen her. While there were so many prettier fish I could choose from. But as much as I tried not to think that, as much as I tried to hold her hand. I gave in to public pressure. We all do sometimes, don't act all perfect over here. You want to tell me you have never thought you are better than some people. Shame on you, shame on me!

I didn't even write the letter. It was written for me. My friends wrote it for me. And it described her fading beauty in detail. I wondered why they were so eager for me to damp her. I didn't care much, I liked her. But I had so many people around me, so many people throwing advice at me.

So they wrote mean things to her on my behalf. They asked me to sign at the end of the letter. I signed. They left it in her desk, or her desk.  I don't know. I forgot about it.

Her eyes were red for weeks.

But I was young, I was a boy, I didn't understand. But it all comes crushing on me now. I know how it feels to be heart broken, I know how it feels to be scared. And I scared her. I didn't know I did. And when I got older, more mature, I stopped not knowing what I did. I suddenly knew how hurtles I was. But then I chose not to think about it. And I can do denial very well.

But when am here, or writing in my journal, I am forced to think through things. A word appears, after another, and it's a sentence, when it's a sentence before you know it, it's a paragraph, before you know it is a whole story. And it's a story of how you played with peoples' hearts, like they were toys.

"my heart is not a toy Bobby..."

She cries. I kiss her. I hold her. And we f*** No big deal. Make up s** brilliant! Years and years. Until one day when the worst happens.

One girl, just one, one girl that makes you change your ways after hurting her endlessly. You realize, she loves you. She really does, and all that time you have been treating her like trash. 

You change your ways for her. Not realizing its too late; You change your ways. But it's almost as if you have exchanged roles, your hot when she is cold. So you surprise her with cappuccino with caramel from Java at work, you call her for parties, and declare she is your girl. You give her a relationship, the thing she has always wanted for the last six months that you been nini-ing her. You start to remember anniversaries, you start to remember her birthdays. She doesn't wait for you to pick up her up, you always early. You pick her calls before it rings.

You trust her so much, you exchange facebook passwords. She says she doesn't want to go through yours cause she doesn't want to break her heart. She knows I have changed, she trusts me. I have always trusted her, always, she has been the angel, I have not been an angel. She is pure, and she is the one who finally inspired me to become pure. And I had changed for her, finally. But it was too late.

Cause after the inbox treads to her friends where they discuss me in detail, where she declares her love for me to a third party. You can see the date stamp, years ago. After those messages, at some moment, you find a message about a guy, and a bathtub, and her opening her door with her towel on. And them doing it. Then the guy leaves and goes to work. Then immediately after, there is some other guy at her door. She isn't even done showering, she lets him in, as in she really let's him in, two in a day. Come on.

That's got to kill a man. It had to be over.

What happened to her? What damn happened to her. She used to be the most beautiful girl. What happened? Did she add too much weight? Lose to much weight? What happened to her? I know. I just started to hate her, and now I see everything wrong about her. But am too blame, aren't I? Am the one who hurt her first?