Sunday 22 July 2012

...team heart & mind, no matter your temperament!

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

Am I a slave to my emotions? They say we make the worst decision when we are emotional. Did I make the worst decision yesterday?

"hello..."

"hello, baby leave me... Just leave me..."

"what's wrong? Do you really want me to leave you?"

I can tell her shock, I can tell the sadness in her voice.

"I love you baby, but you going to leave me..."

"why do you always say that?"

I've had such a long day. Am so depressed. Am so sad. And they are affecting all my decisions. Now why am I trying to push the people I care for the most out of my life. I know...

"I don't want to drag you in my mess baby, of late I don't think I have brought you any happiness, all the time we talk am complaining, almost crying, crushing..."

"but babe, am here for the good and the bad."

I am quiet, for a while. I feel myself thinking I want to hang up, but I don't. Am too numb. I start to wonder, how long can I stick with someone who is always complaining, always crushing, always almost crying... I can only take so much. Why is she here? She hasn't given up on me yet. I would if I was her.

"...but babe, am here for the good and bad."

And it just humbles me, puts me in a place I feel undeserving of her love, I feel am taking the most out of this relationship, and she is losing out. I feel like am not doing enough. Normally, it would be a good thing. But it's not when you really love someone, cause when you really love someone you are the one who wants to do more for them.

"...hello."

It's almost a minute since anyone said a word, but she still on the line. I hang up. She calls back, I don't feel like picking up. I don't feel like doing crap. 

Maybe it's cause I've been served a piece of hell of late by life, such stress am getting head aches, and I never, I never ever get head aches. My eyes are painful, I don't know what's up. My thoughts are heavy, am mad, am mad at the world, am angry at a lot of things, people. I cared, and was betrayed in the worst ways imaginable. 

But since am well read, I know what happens when that happens. One gets emotional, and that emotion clouds judgement, makes one make bad decisions. Am i intoxicated with too much negative emotion that I don't realize it's a bad thing am doing watching her call and not picking up? Is it that am making a bad decision by deciding to drive instead of taking a cab home? They say you shouldn't drive drunk... But I promise you it's as bad to drive drunk as to drive angry. It clouds your judgement, that don't care attitude makes you become more daring. I can see my legs loose on the pedals, its as if they are trembling out of anger but am trying to get them to press the break.

My body is reacting as if I have just been in a fight. So what do I do... I don't try to calm down, cause I don't want to calm down. Sometimes you don't just want to stop crying, right? I didn't want to calm down. I don't try to calm down. I just try to think rationally, what would I normally do if I wasn't feeling this way? I would call her back when I see her missed call, I would think about her beauty, it usually comes me down...

...calling babe.

Teeeeeeet. Teeeeeeet. Teeeeet.

...babe not available.

I try redialing.

Teeeeeeeet. Teeeeeeet.

"hello..."

I hear her voice. I calm down. It's like I was holding my breath until I heard her voice. Hearing her voice I can breath.

"...I love your eyes, remember when they reflected the ocean that day at that hotel in North Coast?"

"...babe are you okay."

I ignore. Cause this relationship cannot be all about me complain about my problems. So, I ignore what she said, go on.

"I have your pink tshirt, you sprayed it with your perfume when you wore it..."

"you wear it?"

"no, pink tshirt...are you serious, babe how the f would I. Wear a pink tshirt."

She laughs.

"I wear yours..."

"yes, I gave you a blue shirt, obviously you will wear it... But pink babe, I can't even try to fit it, it has glitters on the print, come on!"

"but it's to sleep..."

"babe, if I wear it, I might start having periods like a girl."

She laughs. She is happy.

"I put it on the pillow of the left side of the bed, when I wake up it's usually the first thing I see, sometimes I feel the scent soaking up as I take in fresh air in bed in the morning. It reminds me to call you."

"ohh, so sweet, so it just stays in your bed..."

"yes! When I make my bed, I crumple it under one of the pillows."

"wow!"

"it's cause I miss you, and actually love you..."

"but am sometimes worried, I used to be very lucky, of late I don't feel as lucky..."

"I know babe."

"but I know things will get better, I always win..."

I don't know whether am trying to convince her, or convince myself that I always win, that I will win, that the sun will shine & it will be blissful, like it was before, even better.

Bye. 

Bye.

At that very moment, I feel proud of not taking out my anger senselessly on the acceleration paddle, on the conversation with my girl. Emotion is a bad thing then, cause what if I just left her, or told her to leave me. Or made her leave me? What if... Wouldn't I be more f? Wasn't it wise to suppress my tragedy-generated emotions to keep this relationship working? Yes. I believe.



But that's just one side of the story.

"wapi pesa wewe?"

"lipa, kila mtu amaelipa!"

We were about six in the matatu, not counting the conductor, the driver and me. Mainly mamas, I mean big women, the ones you know have kids. The guy seated infront of me was clean, but he was wearing faded clothes. He looked like a thief, but he was too mpole to be one. He was the one who hadn't paid.

"lipa wewe wacha ujinga..."

The guy just sat there oblivious of what the conductor was saying. And he got louder when he realized that the passenger was a quiet one. He wasn't retaliating. Isn't that what people do? When you seem quiet and harmless, they try to exert there power over you?

He was doing exactly that. I was seated there. Watching all these,like everyone was.

"simamisha gari..."

The driver stopped. The conductor pushed the guy out of the matatu. The guy fell by the road side, after being pulled inhumanly from the matatu. He didn't resist imagine. 

And when he was on the ground, we all giraffed our necks to see what was happening. He was slapping the guy; a man on the ground! He was getting into his pocket; a man on the ground! trying to get what was in the mans wallet. The wallet of a defenseless man on the ground!

I felt a rush of anger. I felt my legs tremble, like I wanted to fight. 

"mwacheeee mwacheeee!"

"mwacheeee mwacheeee!"

"mwacheeee mwacheeee!"

"woiy."

"Woiyee"

The mamas in the car started yelling, complaining. And I was full of rage, I was angry, I had wanted to pay for him, but I though maybe I would look pretentious, or the conductor, the driver, the passengers might feel najiskia. But when we left him lying on the ground.

I felt disgust, I felt dirty, I felt angry, I felt my legs shake. I felt ready to throw a fist at that idiot conductor. What if that guy has sick... What if? Instead if helping him you just f slap him. What the f. That's what I was feeling!

They say making emotional decision is bad. It clouds judgement, I have read that over and over again. But I want to be original enough, and be smart enough to decide to think for myself things. And what I think right now, what I thought then, sometimes making an emotional decision is good.

I should have made an emotional decision, acted on impulse, which probably would have made me cause a scene, I would have given that conductor a piece of my lawyer mind, I should have shown him how much an idiot he was for doing what he did. Come on, the mamas complained! Why the f didn't I get involved? I still regret to this day, and I don't want to stop to regretting. Cause the next time I see such idiotic behaviour, I will fight back for someone who isn't fighting back for themselves.

Even if it is just yelling. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions. Team heart & mind, no matter your temperament, ama? 

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...” ― Nicholas Sparks

I will heal my heart next time, even if it means just yelling!