Sometimes I think we don't know ourselves as well as those that observe us know us. No, you disagree? You think you know yourself?
"have you eaten? Bobby, have you eaten?"
"no... What does this have to do with this?"
"everything, when you are hungry you are usually such a pessimist"
It hits me like a stone. But I can't react back, cause thinking about it a fresh I realize, oh my she is right.
"why are you drinking so much?"
"am not drinking so much Bobby."
"okay."
I look at her, and shake my head.
"you don't believe me Bob? Kwani why do you think am drinking too much..."
"I know you, you have make-up on, it's a bit heavier than usual, you have bought new clothes, your skirt is a little shorter than usual, you are very friendly, you always chatting on your phone these days...are you lonely?"
"no."
She laughs a little louder than usual. The laughter one does and looks out of the window, as if to evade the conversation.
I change the conversation.
"so how is school by the way?"
"fine."
Still looking out of the window.
"how is your boyfriend?"
"fine."
"how are your periods?"
"fine..."
I laugh as I shake my drink to stir it. The bubbles fizzle.
"wait, what... What did you last ask?"
"nothing."
"Bob come on."
"...you come on, am trying to talk to you and you so absent minded. Are you still thinking about the lonely thing?"
She smiles.
"yes, I hadn't looked at it that way."
Yes, she hadn't looked at it that way, I think most of the time we act before we think. I know that too well. Wear short dresses, chat more than usual? It's time we asked ourselves why our habits have changed all of a sudden? What are we spending so much time on these days? Sometimes we act before we think, don't we?
Cause some nights, you just too horny, you spend the whole night chatting to people, texting, it's 10pm, it's 11pm, it's 12am, it's 1am, it's 2am, you aren't talking about anything nasty. But you are only talking to women. And you dont realize what you are doing. Just like when you wake up at 5am in the morning, you find yourself in the kitchen shaking an empty carton of milk, trying to look for a fruit to eat, but your mind is thinking about other things. But when you actually observe your actions you realize. Hey, I want to get laid. Hey, am looking for something to eat without knowing it.
That's when you stop.
Life happens, money you waste you can make up for it, but time, time just goes. Stuff has been happening to me, and I lost my way.
I find myself in bed more often than not, maybe it's the cold. Yes it's the cold, am waking up at 2pm, that means i have less hours of day light, am speninf too much time on television, and I don't like it. If you like to watch television, if that's the plan for relaxation in your life, it's not wasting time. But when it's not, and you are spending so many hours on it like i have been lately, then you wasting time. Wake the f up!
I consider my life a movie, so I watch less of movies and live more of them. What I want to do less is watch less of television, spend less time chatting compensating for the horniness I have, these online relationships are good, but they aren't the real thing, especially when I start to feel I have more a presence on screen than in real life.
A good business person will ask you to conduct a financial audit, a great business person will tell you, conduct a time audit! A smart person would advice you to look at your day, and how you allocate your time. Conduct a personal time audit, if you want to live the life you want to.
I want to go back to traveling with my girl, seeing the country, eating out, I love eating out, nice places. I love sports, lawn tennis and squash, horses and... But I haven't been doing that, cause usually am so focused on my horniness, or the weather is too cold, it's inconveniencing to go to the club for a game. And a sweaty game at the squash is what makes me happy.
So it's time I sat down, it's time I decided, becoming a great lawyer is important to me, that means I have to put a certain number of hours to be good at it. I must put that in my schedule. I must look at Monday as an opportunity & not as the worst thing that can happen to my balls.
Sports to me is more entertaining than television, but doing sports has been very inconveniencing, so maybe tomorrow what I need to do is go rent out a locker for my gym clothes so that when am in town & I have some free time, I don't have to drive home with the intention of picking some sports clothes and a racket but end up switching on the televison in my room & lying in bed. 3 hours down the line, I hit my head.
"shoot, I was supposed to go for a game. Argh, I will go tomorrow."
And tomorrow never comes.
It's time I slept early, cause its better to work during the day, if you know that by eleven no matter what you are going to have to sleep, you will spend your day better, prioritize. When you have no defined sleeping time it simply means, you will always procrastinate.
"what are you telling me..."
"my day ends whenever I want it to, four, five, six in the morning."
And that's when you realize, you spent the whole day in the house, you didn't go say whatssup to your friends, u stood them up, new eating out places have been opened in town with glass swiming pools that you haven't sampled, your friends have started getting new friends cause you never get out of the house, you aren't having fun cause believe you me, holidays are planned spontaneously even, you find the guys at court have missed you.
"where did you go?"
"am around."
"you used to come seat here and write in court, ama you gave up?"
No, I haven't, I got out of my track a little. It's allowed, I want my life back. I want my f life back! And it starts tonight, sorry girls, am not chatting with you to dawn tonight. It's time I became a little unavailable, I hear that makes one charming. And raises your 'value', hehe want to see me, make an appointment!
