I don't like bad people, I don't like them at all. I know it is easy to be bad. Sometimes being bad is simply being unable to put yourself in another's shoes.
I haven't gone a day hungry. I haven't been without a roof over my head, I have never. And sometimes that makes you arrogant. When you have everything. When a beggar tells you, hey I have nothing to eat. You sneer at them and think in your mind, if you had worked hard, if you had acted smart, you wouldn't been here by the road side begging for food.
So, I admit it, I have been heartless. I have been careless, I have played with women's hearts like they were toys. I have manipulated people. I have used peoples weakness to serve my own pleasures. I have been nasty, not too nasty cause I think am a good person by all standards. But I feel proud saying that, and pride is not a good trait. It comes before a fall.
I don't want to be the guy who raises up his hand when they ask for the most humble person to raise his hand.
I have walked the streets without a care, I have done as I please with total disregard for everything & everyone. But life has happened. And I kind of now get what it feels to be hungry. Even if I was not more than hungry for a day, I get what it feels.
I get what it feels to be not loved, I get what it feels to have no one to give you her heart. I get what it feels, and I wish it upon no one. Okay, maybe I wish it upon some people. I can't believe that now I have enemies. And am supposed to treat them like my friends. NkT!
Let's leave those heavy thoughts, let's look forward.
I am not myself, I have not been myself. Has stuff ever happened to you that robbed you of the bliss you have when you don't have a care in the world. A simple day where you have tea with your loved ones, worry about exams, the simple stuff. Have you had days you would crave such mundane stress? I have, it's like a piece of hell I have been feeling for the past few days...
But you know what?
Am crying now. Am on the ground now, am ruined now. I am feeling what going mad might feel. But am holding on. I am so holding on I don't have time for anything else for holding on.
Have you ever had such heavy thoughts you landed on your bed, you tried to cry yourself to sleep but the tears don't come out. And crying is usually a relief. The relief is not here.
But do you know what I do in spite of this all.
I do everything I am supposed to do. I fight on, I don't crush. Even if I crush, I stand up like a stone, I take a shower even if I can't tell the difference whether the water is hot or cold. I eat my breakfast even though I can't find pleasure in the taste of chocolate choco pops cereals mixed with weetabix without sugar to try keep the diabetes a bay. I can't taste them, but I still slice the bananas and soak them up. Cause I got to be healthy, even though am dead inside.
I got to pick my perfume, I got to spray it on me. I got to pick my tie tuck, or tie pin. I have to wear it just right. Comb my hair, apply gel but hope to apply mousse cause I hear it's better.
I do this things, cause I can't let myself stay on the ground. If it is to crawl I will crawl. I know the days will be better in the future. Seven months from now, even shorter. Seven years from now, seventy years from now, I will still be hear. And I will wish at this time, I didn't break down, I didn't break my routine. Pray in the shower, start thinking about how to solve my everyday problems when I start on the shampoo. Right now am thinking of a water bottle, this bed is too cold. The best ideas come while I am in the shower. When Eureka was in the shower.
Get good music to play in the back ground as I write on my blog. Head phones, the tune comes me down. I don't want to crush, I am holding on. Cause I know the path for my life.
Am not shallow like you are. I don't just have big jobs as my dream. In fact, that is not as important as dreaming of how I intend to be a better person. Dreaming of how I can be an angel. Maybe it's cause I don't understand that when one is hungry for things they tend to become heartless, and things become important. I never wish to be like that, if living in the oblivion of believing that it's better to be an angel than all else. Don't wake me up!
I don't dream of having a good attitude more than I dream of having a good job. Cause I have wanted to learn and I've learnt a lot.
I've learnt that the more friends you have, past a certain number, the more shallow your relationship with them is. The less friends you have, the more likely you have a deep relationship with them. The more dependable you are to them. The more important they feel, and everyone want to feel needed.
But I have also learnt that, all that may be incorrect. And my mind is opened.
Life is quite something. Don't you agree?
I have hurt. Am not sure I will recover.
But I will not let my life die. I will do what am supposed to, I will change the music on my iPod to happier music, cause I said I will do that in my last post. I will prefer Jaguars to Range Rovers cause I don't like to be everyone. But I will still love to get my girl diamonds, yes, I know, it's a cliche, but isn't that the point. That guy actually gets his girl diamonds.
I want to stand for what is right, I want my charm to be being good. Being the good guy. I want to be the guy who will be driving alone on the high way at 2am in the morning. I want to be the guy who will ask you...
"hey, can I help?"
And you would be there stuck on the road for over an hour. At a dark place, afraid. And I want to be the guy who will let you in his car, take you to the nearest town, rent a towing truck for you. Drive back with the towing truck.
Get out of the car, ruin my suit trying to help the break down guys to attract your car to the towing truck. While you will be seated on the passengers seat of my car calling everyone you love you okay. I want to be the guy who will make sure you are okay.
I want to be the guy who will drop you and your car at hotel nearby. I want to be the guy who will be powerful enough to get ex-Dt Dobie mechanics to fix your car during the night as you sleep in the hotel.
I want you to wake up in the morning, find you car fixed, your hotel bill cleared, and my name missing.
Why? Should my name be missing. Cause I don't want you to feel indebted to me. I don't. I want you to remember that, hey, there was this guy. He was a perfect gentleman. He was almost like an angel.
And the next time you are on the road at 2am, probably you will not stop like I will, cause not everyone decides to give up his life for another. I would only wish you at least get the stranger some help.
So what if today has been a long day? So what if I don't edit this post? So what? So what it no one reads this? So what? So what if everyone reads this? So what? So what if I am not there yet?
I have strong conviction. I know what I want. It took me maybe ten years to know what I want, and am still revising those conviction. But the themes is the same, the idea is the same.
I believe anyone can do anything, provided they choose to do that thing and stick with it. Cause no matter what you do, no matter how bad you are, if you put time in it, you will make a mistake, but you will learn, next time you will do it better. How many years do we have? So many. Now imagine making such mistakes for ten years? Can you persevere? Do you have the patience? It's going to happen.
I know what I want, am just revising it, but the theme is just the same. You can't break me, I will be on my two feet in a second, and be on my path, and I might just become such an angel. I take the risk of stopping for a stranger in need, if he is going to suffer, let me suffer with him. Misery loves company anyways.
Tomorrow is another day, aren't we bullet proof. Shooting stars. Am aiming for the stars. What are you doing?
