Saturday 16 June 2012

"untitled" (Part 1)

Have you thrown a house party yet? No... A little advice, get a driver. Not, a mat, maybe a cab or just get a driver to pick everyone who is going to attend from their homes. Why? Cause people like to be fashionably late. I don't let them,  I switch off my phone cause at the party day, I want to have fun, if you want to call anyone call the driver.

I throw pretty mean parties...

"ati tuweke sofa sets nje?"

"yes..."

And there they are, maroon leather sofas standing magnificently at the back yard. The grass is so green, the tables are neat. The speakers are set. The barbecue is ready with makaa & the sauces. The wine glasses, spotless, the napkins, white neat. Beautiful. Weather perfect.

"wapi doom?"

"hamja spray nyasi, come on..."

"na houseflies..."

"spray haraka."

In thirty minutes, three things will happen. I will send everyone I invited a text that I am going to switch off my phone and the driver will not be late. So they better not be. Hakuna, maneno ya fashionably late. You show up on time. Serious about partying.

Three things will happen, I will text everyone I invited, then I will switch off my phone. I will have delegated all tasks, camera man takes the photos (the guy who milks the cows), the guy grilling (the guy who slaughters the broilers), the driver to pick up people & supplies that run short, the house help and her friends to serve drinks and stuff. I just have fun, I don't run around making sure everything is okay. There are like fourteen people who will be receiving a tip for making sure everyone I invited is well attended to. That they are happy.

"I've sent the driver, am going to switch off my phone now"

"but I will be a little late..."

"hello?"

"...sasa, just do this, talk to the driver dear"

"okbye."

Line goes dead.

"Bobby, hello? Bobby? f***** when I get there I will smack you, come on, am your ex am allowed to be late, Bobby, did you hang up..."

I switch off the phone. I place it on the glass table, under the tree, then sink on the sofa. I hold the gate remote. The only thing I will be doing is press it for people to get in, and press it to close it. I don't want anyone just walking in.

But thats where I got it wrong, that's where we got it wrong. There is nothing stuck up about exclusive parties. It's practical. Cause when you say invite-your-friends, come-with-all-your-pals, things get tricky. People hide drinks, come on. Things get lost, my golf gloves got lost, come on, really? Shoes. There will always be a girl complaining that her money was stolen from her pass. And I will be a good host, it's okay, let me just refund you. And her friends will be like No, but I will say Yes, and at the end they will all say, it's okay if Bobby refunds. I smile. But am like crap! Get the **** out of my house. But I don't.

Plus you can't control people. 

"whose at the door?"

"dammit. Cops?"

"whose at the door?"

"hide, hide stuff, hide haraka"

And since people came with friends of friends and half of the people there you don't know, those people you don't know don't really care whether the people at the door are cops. They don't bother hiding anything. They simply don't care.

"please turn the music down"

My neighbor is a problem. She got divorced, has two kids, always shows up in a leso at my door. She always thinks am drunk and I don't even drink that much.  She thinks I have dreds. Please, my hair is just long.

"ati, I know you are drunk so I can't even talk to you..."

"then why did you press the bell"

If you party is exclusive, that means, all guests are your pals, the ones that you don't have to tell to turn the volume low, but they just turn it cause they care about you more than the party. Then you good. But if you have thrown a party for all.

"wacha, anakwambia... Kwanza turn the music louder, let her cry if she wants to... You paid rent didn't you? What's her problem?"

Then the next day, when you call the house help to come clean up, she will be given a notice letter by the watchman. 

"sasa, Bobby, with that sly eye. Shika barua."

"...floor, clear, take out the trash I have constitutional class in six hours, so we finish by then."

I will leave her doing her thing. Then I open the letter.

:Dear tenant,
::::Warning, we had complaints from your...

I will fall on the bed facing up. Pick my phone and dial Babe!

"honey"

"hello, hi, morning"

"how was the party last night..."

"fine"

"how was the party last night?"

"I told you it was fine!"

"baby, why are you shouting."

"...am not shouting,"

"babe, what happened"

"argh & I hang up"

She calls again. I see her photo on my screen. I can't help but pick up.

"hey.,"

"party was horrible, I lost my phone."

"which one?"

"the blackberry"

"the new one?"

"imagine, plus, I have the third eviction warning letter"

"you friends didn't help you?"

I stand up from the bed realizing that the house has become too quiet, most probably the house help is eavesdropping  on my conversation. 

I walk to the balcony. Look into the cloud and kick an empty paper cup with some drinks and cigarette buts. She will have to clean that, how can she start eaves dropping.

"hello? Hello?"

"I just invited random people, just told them to come with there friends..."

"babe?"

She says the 'babe' with a question mark at the end (just try say it like that you get what I mean)

"but, you know when I come to this town for holiday I get bored"

"but you have friends there too babe..."

"they are all..."

She knows the answer.

"...ex girlfriends, and horny girls?"

"yes, and most of my friends here are... Except for some."

She gives me a speech on - I just need to relax, they will just come, people will just come into your life, people who care for you. Friends, people you let into your home and don't have to lock up anything, they will come. But she knows me, I always like things in my control. If they aren't crossing my paths fast enough she knows I will device some scheme to meet them faster.

"babe, why are you quiet?"

"why are you quiet, are you planning something..."

"no" (I lie)

"babe something's you just let happen... You don't interfere, imagine everything is not a court case, or law books, timetables and plans. Something's are like love, it just crosses your path, like friends do..."

"okay, okay, fine!"

I hang up not convinced. I know what I will do... It's a new town, but somehow I have to get a few real people, enough of the hundreds of fake one!

(...to be continued in Part 2.)